Should I stay with my boyfriend?

Question

I thought my boyfriend (let’s call him Jake) was the perfect guy. We lived in the same city the first part of our relationship, but then I moved and he is planning to move after me in a few months. But the last couple of days I found out something I wish I didn’t.

First; we are both in the middle of our twenties.
I’ll tell you from the beginning. I met Jake about 9 months ago. We started dating and became a couple pretty quickly. He is a really nice guy and both my friends and family like him. When I met him he told me that his last relationship ended about 6 months before he met me. After about a month together, Jake spent the evening with me and received a phone call from his ex (let’s call her Lisa). He didn’t answer it, but got really upset and told me he had to go. He told me that he hadn’t heard from her in a very long time, but he had to call her to talk things out, to tell her about me and to tell her that he didn’t want to have any contact with her.

And from that day he told me that he didn’t have any contact with her. Jake and I spent most of our time together and sometimes he would receive a text or a missed call from her. Every time he would be really upset, but he would never call back and he would let me read the texts. The texts said that she missed him, loved him and wanted him back. Jake told me that he didn’t have any contact with Lisa and that he couldn’t do anything about the fact that she contacted him. And when I asked him why he always got so upset when he heard from her he told me that it was a bad realationship, but that he didn’t have any feelings for her anymore.
And I believed him, of course, why would he lie?

But then this summer I caught him writing an email to her. I asked him why. (The problem is not that he has contact with his ex, but that he lies to me about it). He said that she had written him a good summer mail and he just wanted to respond. I didn’t believe him and then he told me that he had written to Lisa all the time he had been seeing me (about 5 months at the time). So then wasn’t the texts and phone calls from Lisa something to wonder about, of course Lisa would send him texts, emails and call him if he did the same to her.

I said that I didn’t tolerate lies and he told me that the emails mostly was fighting and begging from her side to get him back. He deleted all the emails he got from her, and blocked her from both msn and her email address. And since then he has not heard from her. He did all this to show me that I was the one he loved, not Lisa. He promised me to tell me if he heard anything from her again.

So I forgave him and all has been good until now. I don’t think they have had any contact. We are planning to move in together in my home town but he is still living some where else and is planning to move to my town in a couple of months as soon as he finds a job here.

So now the problem; he visited me this weekend and on Sunday he received a new text from Lisa. He didn’t tell me right away, but I sensed something was wrong and he told me eventually. It was a goodbye text that said that she deleted and threw out all that reminds her of him. And that she was going on with her life. He got really upset about it.
I also found out that they broke up about two weeks before he met me, not 6 months.

All this doesn’t sound that bad, but then I did something I shouldn’t have done and found out something that told me that almost everything Jake has told me about Lisa is a lie.

He forgot to log of his email account before he left and when I was opening my mail I got his mailbox. Just to check if he has kept his promise I looked through the first couple of pages in his inbox to see if he had gotten any emails from Lisa. (He deleted all of the old ones while I watched, so I would know if there was any new one.) There wasn’t. But then I clicked on his sentbox just to check there too. There wasn’t any new emails there, but he hadn’t deleted the ones he sent to her, just the ones Lisa sent to him.
I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I looked through the emails he has sent to her while he has been with me and a lot of Lisa’s emails was also included they way they are then you press reply. So basically I read all of his emails to Lisa, from the day he met me to the day he blocked her email address.

The emails weren’t just arguing. He told her that he wanted to be with her, but he just wanted to find himself first. He told her that he loved her, thought about her all the time and dreamt about the day they could finally be together. But since she lived so far away he knew that it wasn’t possible. That he was miserable and needed her love. That he was all alone. He told her this repeatedly.

So here is my question: I know I did something wrong by reading those emails and that there is a chance he won’t forgive me if I tell him. But he lied to me for such a long time, so now I don’t know if I want to be with him. If I confront him

Additional Details

He never met her face to face while he has been with me. She lives to far away, so I know that for sure. But he has been calling and writing emails and texts.

Answer 1

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

I understand that you feel like you did something wrong for reading all his e-mails but I don't believe you did. You were doing it because you felt suspicious that he was lying to you. You should not have that doubt in a person. I think you should confront him about it. He made the mistake of forgetting to close his e-mails. Maybe he was looking for you to find it - and if he wasn't well then tough. You read it.

You can only forgive a person so many times. He lied from the first day you began dating. He didn't date her for two weeks and it sounds like you were a rebound. When she started to contact him again he realized that he loved her. At that point he probably didn't know what to do because he enjoyed spending time with you.

It's not a game - playing with a persons heart. Right now, you live as far as Lisa did at one point. Who's to say he hasn't picked up another girl to take your place while you are gone?

I know it is hard because you are in your mid-twenties and looking to finally settle down with someone. I know it sucks because you really thought you finally found that guy. He fits into your family perfectly and that your friends like him. If your family and friends knew that he was doing this do you think that they would still have the same feelings about him?

You need to give him a call and tell him you read all the e-mails and you can no longer take his lies. That you don't want him to pick up and move to you so soon because you need to realize if this relationship is worth it. He's been lying to you for too long. You can't give your heart to someone who isn't worth it. Take your time, date other people. Mr. Perfect is out there somewhere and unfortunately, you haven't met him yet.

Answer 2

I don't feel like reading this brick wall.

Answer 3

You need to GROW UP and leave the relationship. Its just going to get worse. Find someone else

Answer 4

I don't know why you'd still want to be with him anyway. He's lied to you the whole time and it sounds like you're a rebound relationship for him.
You deserve so much better than this. Lots of men out there would cherish and adore you and only you.

Answer 5

he was lieing to you first..you had the right to read those if he had told you something and was doing something else, obviously he doesn't really love you, sorry....you should sit down and talk about it. id dump him before he gets the chance to dump u

Answer 6

'Scuse me? He cheats on you, and you find out. So you "might not be forgiven" for finding out he was lying to you? Dump him!

Answer 7

I would simply tell him that it is over! If he asks why and he probably will, tell him u found out that he doesn't really love u the way that he should. Obviously since he tried hiding the messages from u he knows that they were wrong. He will fill in the blanks for himself. You deserve better!

Answer 8

im going to tell you the straight out truth, everything you need to know.

so let's start with the main points.
1. he lied to you.
2. he said he loves LISA.
3. you obv cant trust him anymore.


trust and communication come together to create the essential foundation of a relationship, correct?
both have failed.
honestly, if i were you, id boot him in a second.
and i understand you must love him, i really do, but youre really just putting yourself through pain.
if hes lied from the beggining, whats going to stop him from lying again and again?

i could make this long, but ill put it short and sweet.
honey, you can find someone so much better.
and i highly doubt its him.

good luck girl.

Answer 9

Let him go. His heart is not with you. I don't even think it is with her. He is right in what he said he needs to find himself . When he is ready to have a real relationship he will either go back to you or her. He may even find someone new before that. The main point is you do not want him if he does not know who he is and what he wants.

Answer 10

Why are you asking this. Like you said yourself...the problem is he lied. And apparently he doesnt want to be with you he wants to be with "lisa" so why stay? Why waste your time? and why waste your time on this long question...you know the answer. Jakes a freakin loser

Answer 11

Oh my....yes, you can look through his email after what he put you through. i wouldnt worry about him never forgiving you. its already over. he used you as a rebound, and i think you know it. DO NOT move in with this man. he is using and playing you. confront him with all of this. then punch him in the face

Answer 12

confront him and tell him you need time to find urself just like he told his x and just leave him alone he so led u on and ur eventually going to get hurt again or backstabbed if u dont put ur foot down

Answer 13

Ok it feels like you did something wrong by reading his email however I really believe that sometimes God throws little clues in front of you to make you realize that something is wrong or someone is going to hurt you...same thing happened to me as well...I have never looked at someone else's personal stuff before in my life and one day when my ex was on a trip (we were still together) I had this weird feeling and this little voice told me to check his email and he did not have a password and there it was the email proving that he had a one night stand with this girl on his trip...My advice do not try to find excuses for him or try to forgive him...If you really want to forgive him then please forget him at the same time...It is so shady what he has been doing behind your back...it does not matter if that girl is his ex or not..he has been lying to you about it as well as telling her that he still loves her..Please do yourself a favor and break up with him...He is not good for you I can smell it from a mile away..

Answer 14

well do u love him? if you do then maybe u cud let it slid bcuz he did just break up with her and he has been trying to keep this away from you so you wont get hurt, the guilt of him leading you on is probably crushing him and him not being with this Lisa person id probably hurting him more. If all you want is his happiness help him out to get back to her bcuz then you both can move on still be friends and be happy with someone else

Sometimes when a relationshipis going wrong, it'll help if you picture the situation from a third person POV. It can help you find an answer thats right for both of you and you both can have a healthy relationship.=]=]


GOOD LUCK!!! =]=]=]=]=]=]=]=]

Answer 15

wow almost the same thing happened to my boyfriend and i, I knew i shouldn't have read his texts but, i needed to look out for myself. I confronted my boyfriend and he kept saying that he loved only me and blah blah blah. It is really hard to just believe someone after all the things you found out i understand. You need to ask him what he really wants, You don't want to stick around and end up getting hurt later on because you were just a rebound girl or something. I honestly don't think you should stay with him. He obviously is not over his ex, Maybe one day one he lets go of his ex he can be in a relationship, but you can't have a realtionship without trust, it doesn't work. He probably is a really sweet great guy, but you deserve someone that you can trust with your whole heart...this guy sounds like hes just going to break it.

sorry to be so negative....good luck