What is the best "walks into a bar" joke?

I am partial to these two

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks. "Why the long face?" (possibly the funniest joke ever0

A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."

12 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    this is the funniest one I've heard......

    Monkey at the bar--?

    A Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

    The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes & eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see whatyour monkey just did?"

    "No, what?"

    "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

    He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

    While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

    Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

    "No, what?" replied the man.

    "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

  • 1 decade ago

    This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.

    About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "Oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!"

    So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."


    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!" About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

  • 5 years ago

    A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Larry?"

  • 1 decade ago

    This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, "I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove."

    So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, "Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here."

    The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. "Anything else," he questions. The hippie replies, "Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove."

    Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, "Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!"

    So the barkeep returns to the hippie. "That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?" "Yeah," the hippie says, "but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove."

    Additional Details

    2 weeks ago

    The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

    "You can kiss my a5s! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!"

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  • 1 decade ago

    A string walks into a bar and the bartender says " We don't serve strings in here" String says " I am not a string, I'm a frayed knot.

  • 1 decade ago

    Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar...

    Bartender says: "is this some kind of joke?"

  • 1 decade ago

    Guy walks into bar and says ouch!

  • 1 decade ago

    The one above about the monkey is freaking hilarious. Superman, too.

  • 1 decade ago

    a dog limps into a bar and says Im looking for the guy that shot my paw.

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