ok theres ALOT
You're so dense scientists thought you were a black hole.
If some1 says,"U r a piece of sh*t!" or whatever, then u can answer,"Stop talking about yourself that way!":
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Some gurls r pretty and some r ugly, but ur both………preety ugly!!!!!
I thought DVD Players weren't allowed at school?
Then why am I watching Starwars revenge of the Geeks
You got more rolls than a bakery
you don't have enough brains to get a headache.
other person: "What are you staring at?"
you: "Not much."
What crawled up your ar ** and died?"
Good lawyer joke....?
A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains $8 a pound and another sign that says Paramedic brains $12 a pound, Nurse brains $30 a pound, Truck Driver brains $40 a pound, and Lawyer brains $90 a pound.
So he asks the man behind the cash register, "How come the doctor brains are only worth $8, yet the lawyer brains are worth $90?"
The man replies, "Do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a pound of brains?"
The last time I saw something that looked like you, I flushed it.
you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster looks dead.
If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
I've been called worse by better."
There are only two ways to describe the appearance of a girl, pretty or ugly. In your case, your a bit of both. You're pretty ugly!"
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water??
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your door?
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a ditch??
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your wall??
Read this joke and tell me what you think of it?!?
Mexican Electric Chair
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning -
though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf Of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of Justice
to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says,
Well I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering,
nd I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
Blonde joke? Please star if you like it?
Once upon a time 2 blondes went to a concert and the driver accidently left the keys in the car.
When they got out to the car the first blonde tried to open the lock with a coathanger.
While the second blonde was waiting, she said, "Hurry up it's starting to rain and the top is open."
-.what is more powerfull than God.
- Is more evil than the devil
-. A poor man has it.
- A rich does not.
- and it you u eat it u die.
A man and a woman?
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at he bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn,
that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to
become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his bestfriend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking
about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either......His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his
A joke for you all lol?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.
Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.
The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
These are really funny!!.... Thing that makes you go hmmmmm....?
I had to admit, I pondered some of these questions...
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to
smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you
going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why
can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point
to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
What do you call male ballerinas?
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
A Panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. He eats it, then pulls out a gun and shoots a passing waitor dead. Then he gets up and walks out of the bar.
The next day the panda returned to the bar, but is confronted by the bartender, who asks angrily "Why did you shoot my waitor? What did he do to you?" The panda replies "Look up panda in the dictionary." The bartender does so, and reads:
Giant panda: large black-and-white herbivorous mammal of bamboo forests of China and Tibet. Eats shoots and leaves.
THE FLY THAT COULDN'T FLY:.......joke?
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you're full of ****.
Why blonds don't make good co-pilots...?
(I know how cheesey and overdone blonds are, but this made me chuckle.)
A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport but the only helicopter available was a single seat helicopter.
The instructor figured it would be all right to let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes and he could instruct her via radio.
So up the blonde went. She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor continued to talk via the radio.
Everything was going smoothly. At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly, skimming the top of some trees and crashing into the woods.
The Instructor jumped in his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out of the wreckage.
"What happened?" the Instructor asked, "All was going so well until youreached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"
18 minutes ago
"Well," began the blonde, "The higher I went the colder it became so I decided to turn off
the ceiling fan."
One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this amazing jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He takes a look at the puzzle pieces for a moment and begins to laugh hysterically!
He says to her, "No matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these puzzle pieces. Put these Frosted Flakes back in the box!!"
Why did Tigger look in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh.
This dumb guy walks into the library, looks around, then gets in line for the counter. Once he gets to the head of the line, he loudly says, 'I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke.' The librarian looks at him for a moment. Then whispers, 'Mister, this is the library.' The man nods. Then he WHISPERS, 'I'd like a Big Mac, large fries, and a large Coke.
2Cannibals eating a clown?
1 says to the other "does this taste funny to you"
You are stuck in a room with no windows or doors. a solid room. Only things that are in this room are a mirror and a table. How do you escape?
I saw it on myspace and it confused me soooo much please help me!!!!!!!
Look into the mirror to see what you saw.Use the saw to cut the table in half.Two halves make a whole (hole).Put the hole in the wall and climb out.
'A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
'For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver.
'I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Have a Nice Day!