Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 decade ago

Living together before marriage? Thoughts?

im undecided on whether or not to move in with my boyfriend after our leases are up. As a background.. weve been together over a year... were 23 and 24 (we will be a year old at this point though).. and we are madly in love and planning to get married in the next few years.

I see good and bad points of moving in and not.. and btw.. we cant get engaged now... for financial reasons (im kinda old fashioned and do want a ring and nice wedding)

Pros of moving in:

1. Get to wake up next to him everyday

2. "Trial run" for marriage- see how each other really are (although.. were together all the time now anyways)

3. Financially it just makes sense

4. Me and my current roommate dont get along at all

Cons:

1. Parents are very old fashioned- and im afraid of being judged in general

2. Scared of the whole "why buy the cow when the milks free" concept- afraid we will put off engagedment

Thanks guys! I guess im looking for personal views/experiences on this matter!

23 Answers

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  • LB
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    ok, you can't seriously claim in the same question that you're "old fashioned" and be asking if you should live with your BF before marriage can you? (sorry, just have to give you a little crap about that) But what's wrong with a long engagement?

    FYI I lived with mine before and wouldn't have done it any other way.

  • 4 years ago

    There a few bad things about moving in with each other. People that move in together before marriage tend to break up. Seriously. The one time I did it I broke up with the girl after a few weeks because it lifted "the veil" on how she really lived her life, and emotional breakdowns behidn closed doors, etc. I know several other people that moved in before marriage and it also ended up badly. Historically, people that live together before they get marrried tend to wait longer until they actually do get married. Because why get married when you already live together? SOme of the incentive is gone with either one or perhaps both individuals. I'm not saying it can't and won't work out with you two moving in together, but it will seriously challenge the relationship in ways you've never thought, mainly being because there is no long term commitment

  • 1 decade ago

    Seems like to me that you already know the ends and outs of moving in with this guy. Over all thing you need to realize is the world is always going to judge you babe. Regardless of what you do. Even if its a good thing in your mind its a horrible thing to someone else and they will always judge for it. As for that second con there about the whole cow and milk thing. I say if you aren't already having sex now, then I'm sure if you have your head on straight you will keep it that way. So it would make more sense to buy a place with seperate rooms. I mean sure you can be boyfriend and girlfriend just don't have to be all that sexual like that just because you live together. In my personal view moving in together just for sex is a weak excuse on anyone's part. And another thing too, if both of your leases are going to be up why can't you both move back in with your families or maybe with friends til you find your own place? It would still keep things more old fashioned and you won't feel so pressured into having sexual relations with him before your wedding. That is assuming that you don't already have them. Thats just my take on it all. No personal experience yet. But just a few suggestions.

  • 1 decade ago

    as a guy, I say living together beforehand isn't good. I heard a story on NPR (National Public Radio) that did a survey that said most people who cohabitated were not as happy with marriage.

    Also, as a guy, your con point 2 is really a big issue. A guy would think, well, I'm getting all the conveniences of marriage now, and on top of that, it's not COMMITAL! why would he want to marry you and spend all that money on the ring and etc? Also, there would be nothing new after the wedding, just the same old thing.

    Furthermore, for guys, it's easier to walk away at an older age. say you live together for 5 years. He's 29, and you're 28. You feel your biological clock ticking, but he's still not interest in marriage and kids. You'll probably end up pushing him a bit, and he might say, hey, no, I just want the other benefits, and refuse, and even maybe walk away. Now, you're older, and you have to start over, and you compete against younger girls, and it's harder to find another man. Say you move in with another guy for 3 more years... you see where this is going.

    Also, as far as trying to get to know the other person, see how he treats his family members. I've heard, and this is true, b/c I see me doing that w/ my wife at times, you end up treating your spouse like your original family, particularly mother or sister. If he's disrespectful of them, and not caring, don't expect him to be all loving just to you. It's only romance. Once the romance wears off, you'll be treated like how he treated others.

    I hope this helps. But good luck in your relationship. Best wishes. But really, living together, men like it b/c they get all the benefits on the cheap. Don't cheapen yourself like that, and I hope your man is dignified enough and respectful enough to stay with you even if you decide not to live together.

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  • 1 decade ago

    To be perfectly honest those were the reasons I didn't want to move in with my husband before we were married. However, I believe that everyone should do a "trial run", just to see if you can handle living together. Marriage is way different than just being together everyday. When you finally do get married you'll quickly find out that everything that you do and that he does affects you both. I never understood that concept fully until I was in that situation first hand. At least you'll get the general idea beforehand, if you live together first.

    Best of luck!

  • 1 decade ago

    I lived with a man once, and that was the first and last time. Yes, all the pros are great, but the biggest Con is the fact that after all that, it's too easy to walk away. And believe you'll be tempted to walk away. If you're planning on getting married, why not get married sooner than later? And saving money should be one of the LAST points to consider. Lots of people move in to save $$ and find that it's not worth all the drama. Think about it...but that saying about the cow...it's not tooo far off (in my opinion).

    The only way I would move in with someone at this point, is ONLY if we are engaged. I've seen the other stuff happen WAAAAY too much to believe anything else will work.

    Also, as for the part about you don't "really" get to know them until you live with them...it's true yes, but wouldn't you want to know your partner before you get married anyways? Living doesn't automatically constitute getting to know each other. AND look at the first lady...been living together since were together, is STILL engaged and has kids with him...hhhhmmm...bet if you asked her, she's RATHER be officially married. Think on it.

  • My advice - don't do it before you're actually engaged. Because if you really want to get married at some point, it seems like a lot of women make that mistake and then five years down the line are wondering why their boyfriend won't ask them to get married. There is a big difference in commitment between "bf/gf living together" and "engaged couple living together".

    Case in point:

    http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AutBF...

    Also, moving in together for financial reasons generally isn't the best idea. Because if it turns out that you DO want to split up, then you run into the "I can't afford to make it on my own so I'm stuck here what do I do?" problem.

    Source(s): Lived with my fiance before the wedding, but only moved in together after we were engaged.
  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Don't buy into that whole idea that if you two aren't married its that much easier to walk away....while from a legal standpoint that is true, why would you want to be married to someone if the only reason they are sticking around is because of legalities???? That is STUPID.

    While I do not have an answer fro you as all situations are different, me and my man have been living together for three years, and are planning our wedding for next year. We will stipulate "No Gifts" because I think it is tacky to expect wedding gifts when you have already been living together- we just would like the pleasure of celebrating a new chapter in our lives with those we love.........

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Listen, I'm a guy and we did the exact same thing you are about to do. Wow! What a freekin' mistake.

    After about a week of that, we both felt a little..... uh.... I don't know..... dirty or guilty or something like that. I can't really explain it. All I know is it just did NOT feel right.

    One day we just decided it would be best if she went back and tried to get her apartment back.

    Also, our families didn't really say anything, but there was this weird thing with them. They just seemed not to look at us the same and didn't really seem the same.

    Anyway, we "undid" the whole thing and eventually got married about 18 months later. We were together a lot, but we kept our own places. You probably should keep separate places too.

    We're still together after quite a few years!

  • 1 decade ago

    I say Con #2 is enough reason to say no.

    I know too many girls who did that around your age, and at 25 and 27 are... well, still at that same spot - living together.

    Guys get comfortable easily. Playing house now will only mean you're playing house for ALOT longer than you want to before you are married.

    I say, wait until you are engaged before moving in together for a trial run.

    Whats the rush? If this is for real, you will have the rest of your life to wake up next to him every day.

    And don't do it for convinence of having to find a new roomate.

    Financially it makes sense... sure... you'll be kicking yourself in the teeth in 3 years when the engagement hasn't happened.

    I've just seen this too many times.

    Don't do it.

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