Living together before marriage? Thoughts?

I'm interested in hearing people's views on living together before marriage. Personally, I think it is a mistake. I don't want to share finances or a home with anyone but my future husband. Breaking up is hard enough; I can't imagine breaking up with my live-in boyfriend. Now, my boyfriend thinks it is a normal progression of a relationship. Dating, living together, engagement, marriage. On this we just disagree. What are your thoughts?

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  • Anna
    Lv 4
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    I did it and let me tell you it was a very bad mistake.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I never used to think you should live with someone before you are married. BUT I had a boyfriend who lived far away from me and the long distance was really hard. It was a tough decision but we decided to move in together. It was amazing for the first 2 years or so. The "honeymoon" period was up after that. It began to be a little more difficult and we were having to work at getting a long and not letting the little things about each other drive us nuts. I think living with someone is just as difficult as being married to them. I am torn though because I also think that you must live with someone before you truly know them.

    I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years now (we are both in our mid 20's). We don't share finances. We just split the cost of rent,food, and bills and I think that is an important thing to do. This summer I will be moving back in with my parents for a few months. I guess I didn't realize moving in with him was so similar to a marriage. I need to take a breather and think this through a little longer before making it permanent and getting married.

    You have to think hard before moving in together but I think all and all it is important to do before you get married. You sure learn a lot about someone by living with them!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    It sounds like you have a great deal of morals and I commend you for it! Living together is a super responsibility, and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

    Sharing expenses, cooking, cleaning, and laundry are harder to compromise if you are just living together. Someone will feel used at some point for 'doing more than their fair share' of the load and problems will arise from it.

    With marriage, the day-to-day operations of a household aren't seen as who does what, but just getting it done. No one feels like they are being used as much and the relationship can only grow stronger when the kinks are worked out.

    When someone feels used and they are just living together, the one who seems to think they are getting the short end of the stick can just up and leave with no warning or consequences for their leaving.

    On the other hand, I think that if you do want to marry this person, you should see how they live daily. I'm not saying move in and compromise your principles, but spend as much time with this person as you can to see how they operate. It will give you insight as to whether or not you can deal with the way they live.

    Personally, I don't have a heaven or hell to put you in, so if you decide to live with him b/f you get married, just make sure you have that ring on your finger and a definite date as close to your move in date as possible. This way, you won't have the moral guilt of living with someone so long before marriage.

    Best of luck to you!

    Source(s): 11 year marriage to a man I lived with for 2 months b/f we got married
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  • 1 decade ago

    You brought up an interesting point about the thought of breaking up with a live in boyfriend, it is impossible. I truely belive that I wouldn't be with my boyfriend right now if I knew about him what I know now and we weren't living together.But at the same time, I don't think I would know what I know now about my boyfriend if we didnt live together. If I wouldn't have lived with him now, I would have married him and soon wished I hadn't. Maybe living together should come before marriage, but not before engagment. That will give you a chance to get to know his habbits when marriage is on your mind. I also think you should have your own list of how you want things to happen. Set goals for you both as a couple, and don't let him influence your opinion of things, do what you think is right. I also suggest that when you do live together have your own separate bedrooms so you have your own space and place to go if you want to get away from one another.

    I hope this helps

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  • 1 decade ago

    I think that the stupidest thing that a woman can do is to live with a man before marriage. Leaving aside moral questions, it is a big financial mistake. Either the relationship is a commited one or it is not, and there are legal implications to living together rather than being married. My husband and I did not live together prior to marriage and I advise my daughter not to live with anyone either. We have friends who have lived together for over 20 years and now that they are nearing retirement age, they are realizing that neither of them is entitled to a Social Security Spousal benefit or a Teacher's Spousal beneft should the other one die. So if they get married now, they have to wait another 10 years to qualify. Had they married, they could have each qualified for both Social Security and the Teacher's Retirement (one of them on the main benefit and the other on the spousal since the teacher never paid into SS and the other one only paid into SS). So by "not needing the piece of paper" they have done themselves out of about 30K+ per year of extra retirement money.

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  • 1 decade ago

    It takes about 3 years to fully know someone. Living together is a good idea, because you will really see what he is like. You two can have your separate bills. And don't share a checking account or anything. It is easier to break it off if you are just dating - you have your stuff and he has his. But if you move in AFTER you get married, and you can't stand living with him, all your stuff is now his... and it is way harder to end a marriage. Living together first is the smart way, in my opinion. Good Luck :)

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  • 1 decade ago

    I agree with you, I don't think it's a good idea. I mean, what's the point of playing house when you can be living the real dream? Plus, it's rare for people who live together first to actually get married - I have a lot of friends who live together, then they break up, and in their next relationship, refuse to move in together until they are married, and that relationship always seems to work out! I think the whole "trial run" thing is bullcrap. If you're ready to live together, then you should be ready to marry - just my opinion!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    well from my point of view i disagree because i just just broke up with my man because we could not get along living with each other we were supposed to be married right now but it never happened but now since i moved out everything has been so much better since we don't live we each other anymore. But really it's all on you if you feel that you shouldn't stay together then don't. If you do stay together before marriage it could be a good thing also because everything comes to the light and you get to see what it's gonna be like staying with him before you get married

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  • Blah
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    I think your points are very valid. I heard somewhere that people who lived together before marriage are more likely to get divorced. I would think it would be just the opposite since you're actually "trying on" the relationship in its entirety. Who knows?

    I "shacked up" with a guy before I married him, and am still married to him 6 years later.

    The other concern about living together is where do you live if you break up? If you were living in the other's home and he/she got mad, you could be tossed out right then and there. If you are both on a lease, one party could leave the other high and dry.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I personally don't believe in living together before marriage you no the saying if i can get the milk for free why by the cow, the Bible states if a man cannot contain him let him marry , If he loves you he will want to do what is right , young lady you already no that its wrong do what is right and you will be Bless , Good Luck

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I think living together before marriage is an eye opener, There are two guys ive been with that i thought about marrying and im glad i lived with them first, got to know their true nature cause if i would have married them before that id be stuck. its a great way to find out if they are financialy responsible or if they just want a new mother figure to take care of them, if they are honest, cause all those things are easy to fake when you dont actually spend 24/7 with someone.

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