Have you seen the latest Royal Proclamation from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II?

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN! ALL RISE ...

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

2. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or consulting with a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

3. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler, although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

4. You will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. Also, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.

5. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitters will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brand beers will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that it can be sold without risk of further confusion.

6. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

7. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

8. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

9. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

10. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as colour, favour, labour and neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up “vocabulary'”. )

11. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter “u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

12. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4

Update:

p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

10 Answers

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  • 1 decade ago
    Favourite answer

    Hmmmm.....

    Since I am ancestrally English (Seymour, you know), but my family fought on the American side in the Revolutionary War... that puts me in quite a bind. I am an All American Euro Mutt, and my family has been here for over 400 years-- so this is the land I pretty much call home.

    Will you tutor me in the old ways, my chum?

    Or better yet-- let's just laugh at this and promise to turn a blind eye to the political foibles on BOTH sides of the pond...

    Source(s): Love ya, Sweet Friend!!
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  • Anonymous
    4 years ago

    They have all claimed some sort of divine right, since medieval times, and it's as obscene an insult to the rest of the British People as I can think of. The office of supreme governor of the Church of England is nothing to do with divine right, either, it's just another aspect of constitutional law and practice, and it ought to be changed. We, the people, can change it through Parliament, but first we need to secure the people's control of Parliament by wresting it from the present gang of criminals, irrespective of party. It's time for the Roundheads and Levellers and Diggers to rise again, kick the rump of the Rump, march our masters to Tower Hill and elect some Plain Russet-Coated Captains who never heard of one man born booted and spurred to ride another. And then keep a close watch on them, too! He who would valiant be, let him come hither! Charge your pikes!

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  • 1 decade ago

    Thank you for the wonderful laugh. Part of me thinks this might not be a bad idea. God Save the Queen!

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  • 7 years ago

    iLsa the pooch, you couldn't tell if you were trying to cover up a beautiful girl underneath your image.Stephanie Seymour is royal bloodline.She was born in Scotland by count and countess verses the over envy of model friends ilbreed. hyprocracies bio's......anyway the Queen is proabably tired.

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  • 1 decade ago

    God Bless the Queen.

    I do like your sense of humor, bet it's annoying so many Americans, the one about the spelling, well I would in force that, it's awful having spell-check telling you you have spelt colour wrong, when you know it is correct.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I think Budweiser selling out was a sign of the end.

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  • 1 decade ago

    You just may have something here..

    it certainly is wourthy of consideration...

    ( did I get that right?)

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  • 10-T3
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    NOPE. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN . I LOVE HER .

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  • 1 decade ago

    Darn...

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  • 1 decade ago

    I think she should shove this proclamation up her royal ****!

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