More jokes...(LONG LINE OF JOKES)?

One day Jesus and Moses were on the golf course and decide to have a contest over who can make the most outstanding shot. So, Moses goes first. He settles up for the shot and hammers it straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball falls into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raises his arms to the sky, and the water parts where the ball dropped in. The ball rolls out of the water and onto dry land, only a foot away from the hole. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "Hey, Moses, that was a pretty good shot. Now let me see what I can do." So Jesus settles up for his shot and sends the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus has the same luck as Moses did. The ball heads straight for the water hazard. Jesus holds out one hand and, instead of dropping into the water, the ball bounces on top of it and rolls onto dry land only three inches from the hole. Moses says, "Wow, that was an incredible shot!" No sooner has Moses said this, than the skies grow dark. The wind starts to pick up, lightning and thunder crackle through the sky. Suddenly, a ball falls from the heavens into the same water hazard where Jesus and Moses hit theirs. A fish swims up and swallows the ball. An eagle swoops down, grabs the fish in his talons, and heads for the now darkened sky. Lightning strikes the eagle, and he drops the fish onto the green. The fish opens his mouth, the ball rolls out, and drops into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says, "Man! I hate it when your dad plays!"

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets.

Ugly: You had a

vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants

a divorce.

Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's

involved with the

woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your

wife can't find

her birth control pills.

Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's

a cross-dresser.

Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to

your 10 year old daughter.

Bad: She keeps interrupting.

Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's the pet dog. Ugly: The dog is pregnant now.

8. Good: Your 15-year-old daughter got a new job. Bad: As

a hooker.

Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly:

She makes more money than you do.

A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!" The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down. As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?" The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me." The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel.

I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one ****.

I tella her I wanna two ****; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no

understand, I wanna two **** on my plate. She say you betta no **** on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch.

Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH!

Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock -

She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, Iwanna fock on table.

She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch.

So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet.

So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say

you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch!

I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

New inventions by blondes:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chairs

Water proof tea bags

Wate

Update:

cont'd from blone inventions...

Water proof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alchohol

Reusable ice cubes

See through tiolet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

Helicopter ejector seat

the underwater hair dryer

Update 2:

Like??? Star if you do :D

also... share what jokes you have

if you can

:)

x.

7 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Barrack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane.

    Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

    Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

    Michelle added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

    Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot,

    "Such big-shots back there." I could throw all of their asses out of the window and make 56 million people very happy.

    Why do blondes stare at the Orange Juice containers for hours at the supermarket..

    A: Because the cartons say Concentrate on them.

    SO a barman was about to close the bar when a blonde came in, came up to the bar and started chanting "91 days, 91 days" over and over again.

    another blonde came in and started chanting too, and then another.

    soon there were about 30 blondes in the bar, chanting "91 days, 91 days", so the barman asked the first blonde who came in, "why are you all saying 91 days?"

    she smiled at him and said "well we are trying to prove that blondes are not stupid, so we did this puzzle. on the side it said 2 - 3 years, but we did it in 91 days."

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    A politician dies and goes to St. Peter. St. Peter says that he will have to choose between heaven and hell. This is after he spends a day in each place.

    The first day he goes to hell and there are all his old friends, drinking, playing poker and having a great time. There is a buffet room with caviar, champagne, all kinds of goodies. A golf cart propels itself over the course and the caddies serve you mixed drinks as you wait to tee off. The politician has a great time.

    The second day he spends in heaven. There are a few people gardening. A chorus is sining over there. A organ is playing over there. Lunch is peanut butter sandwiches, oreos and sparkling water.

    The third day St Peter says, "What's your choice." The politician says as politicians do, "Heaven is a wonderful place, it is so peaceful and calm, but I hope you don't mind that I have chosen Hell."

    There is a zap and the politician wakes up in a dry desert like place, it is hot, there is blowing sand. The people around him look like they're starving and there is not a blade of grass in sight. "What's going on," the politician asks Satan, "what happened to the golf course and the champaign and caviar. Satan said, "The other day we were campaigning, this morning you voted."

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    I love all these jokes. Especially the good the bad and the ugly...\And the one about the Italian... XD

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  • 1 decade ago

    i loved the good,bad and ugly jokes!

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    hahha,

    i love the good, bad, and ugly ones.

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  • 1 decade ago

    funny!

    especially the good bad and ugly

    :-]

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  • 1 decade ago

    I loooved the good, bad, and ugly!

    Hilarious.

    :D

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