Seriously considering leaving husband, but worried about financial aspect. Any tips?

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 1/2 years, during which, he was deployed to Iraq for 15 months. He's also a wonderful father to our 16 month old little girl.

Since he got back from Iraq 9 months ago everything has been different. I realize that after 15 months of separation we wouldn't go back to the same little life we had before the deployment...we magically became parents somewhere in there too. But we changed it ways I didn't anticipate. He's become more easily angered, closed off, and just plain mean. I find myself looking forward to him leaving for work. And when he come home I become immediately stressed and extremely emotional. He didn't used to say things just to be mean, but now its a daily occurrence. I've been miserable for months and not one day has passed without me thinking of leaving him. I've been seeing a therapist for a reason unrelated to this, but have been talking to him about all of this hoping it would help. My husband, on the other hand, has repeated told me that we don't have any problems and doesn't thinks counseling is necessary. He knows I'm on the brink of leaving him and asks me not to go, but does nothing to show me he wants me to stay. I don't want to raise my daughter in a home where her parents are constantly fighting or ignoring each other. I'm currently a stay-at-home mom and about to start school in next semester. My husband is the sole source of income in the family and my family is all over 1000 miles away. I know at this point I should leave him if he's not willing to fix our marriage.

What steps should I take? How do I do this with school starting in a month? Can I do it and school too? Do I get my own cell phone plan or just pay half of existing family plan? I guess its just the financial part I'm worried about...I'm just a high school graduate who hasn't had a job in a long time since being a stay-at-home mom / Army wife. I really don't know what I'm doing. How often should he see our daughter? How often to call him and let him talk to her? Any tips?


Yes, I have talked to my husband...many times, over many months. I've done it calmly, I've gotten angry, I've cried...nothing I say to him seems to get through. I tried again the day before yesterday and was so calm it surprised even me. I told him how miseralbe I am...I have been. I told him I'm highly considering leaving. He looked shocked, but said nothing. I just felt nothing...not sad, angry...just tired of having to tell him the same thing over and over again and never have it sink it. Actions speak louder than words...maybe he'll finally get it.

16 Answers

  • 1 decade ago
    Best answer

    You could always leave him and see if that gets him to realize "oh crap I just lost her." But then you run the risk of him not really caring you're gone and actually having to follow through, which could be bad if you're still on the fence. Or you could hold out until you're done with school. Yes, you could be completely unhappy for a couple years. But you'd have a degree and be able to support your daughter then too. Good luck!

  • Wiser1
    Lv 6
    1 decade ago

    You have resources on his base. Use them. This is not the man you married and you know it. He's suffering post-traumatic stress disorder, I'll bet. He doesn't realize how different he is. You, on the other hand, admit to having other emotional problems (for which you need a therapist). You are both in turmoil. You do both need couples' counseling. Tell him you love him and want to make your marriage work but it takes two to make a marriage. Tell him that unless he is willing to work on your marriage WITH you, it won't work. I would go to see a military counselor about your problem. They can shed light on this for you so that you can better understand him for now. They can also help you figure out a way to get him to get the counseling he needs so that your child will not be without her father growing up. Unless he is physically abusive to you (in which case you must leave with your child at once), please try to stay for another few months to give him a chance to get better. What he went through was horrific. He is never going to be the same because he has seen horror over there. You need to understand this and help him forget or ignore what he saw and did, so that he can have some semblance of a normal life again. 9 months isn't so long after 15 months of terror. You married him "for better or for worse." This is worse. It can only get better. Give him a chance to adjust. Instead of complaining, try a new tactic. Tell him you really want to make your marriage work but that you are afraid he's changed too much and you need him to SHOW you that he cares for you and the child by deliberately trying to be kinder and gentler, when he is able. If you are going back to school, you need his income. Stay. Get your education. By that time you will know if the marriage can survive, and if it can't you'll be able to get a better paying job and your child will be older.

  • 1 decade ago

    Don't give up so easily. I have been in your situation before, and let me tell you this...once I gained my own independence everything changed. You won't have as much time to think about your husband coming and going to work, and all the little stuff. I have worked all my life, but after moving to a new state, I had a hard time and became depressed. My husband treated me like crap, told me I was lazy, and made things worse. Then...I went to school and started nursing and he complained the entire time I was in school, but when I graduated and was pulling in the bucks...suddenly, everything was fine. Now I am close to my Bachelor's but this is what I think about the most..."if he didn't support me when I was down, then he doesn't deserve me when I'm up." I also think about how much better it feels to be able to take care of myself. Try to work it out, but if you feel that strong about leaving him, because you have no work background I suggest trying to make it work until you educate yourself. This is the real deal not some bubbly answer that will make you feel better.

  • 1 decade ago

    War changes people. It takes time to adjust back to civilian life after seeing what he has seen. Am I sticking up for him? I am a veteran also and I have seen this many times. He needs help readjusting to civilian life again. Ask him to go to a local VA med center mental health Professional.

    If you are adamant about divorcing him and he is not a threat to you or your child then let him see the child as often as possible. You should receive child support and you need to get a job. Yes, That means work. Talk to an attorney. He or she will advise you.

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  • 1 decade ago

    If someone spent 15 months in Iraq, you should expect that they are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. It take a while to snap out of that. You said it has been nine months... it might take longer.

    My husband went to Iraq and many issues when he got back. Years later he still has intense night terrors and it is frightening for both of us.

    I know the military has made an honest effort to try to help vets when they come back... and help families readjust to life after that kind of separation. It definitely changes people. Sometimes the injuries are more than just physical. I am sorry that you experienced this at such an early stage in your marriage.

    I think he might need you though. Don't talk to him about marriage counseling though. That's not his problem. He needs to talk to a professional about himself. He clearly is suffering from the things he saw/experienced. Get him to talk to someone! If after a couple of years he doesn't snap out of it, than you have to make a tough decision. Try to take a supportive role. Be strong. Don't think about yourself right now. If you can help bring him our of this, he will love you forever. Its part of being married. Don't give up on the one you love.

  • 1 decade ago

    sorry but i wouldnt do it. how do u know that he doesnt want to fix it. in the army every thing has a plan they know how things work but when it comes to family that is when it gets hard for them. me and my husband are going throught the same thing but we arent leaving each other it just gets rough at times. but in the end i know we will make it. i dont let the thought of leaving coming to mind cause once u do u have pretty much made up your mind and that is what will most likey happen too. so think of your little girl and of your husband that u once loved so much that u married him and have spend two year with him. and had a little girl with him. doesnt that mean something. if not then leave him and break his heart. him may not seem like he cares but he does. it is the army that trains our husband not to show or say what they are feeling to save their butts. u might want to talk to him chaplin or to the unit chaplin they can get u help and him help.

    Source(s): army wife for two and half years. two deployments under my belt and pcsing from KY to CO for another three to four years of this.
  • Hollis
    Lv 4
    4 years ago

    leaving husband worried financial aspect tips

  • 1 decade ago

    Oh hon, what a sad story. You have no idea what happened to him over there. But l5 months of it could of really hurt him inside. I wish you could get him to see someone, alot of soldiers come back with pain they need to unload before it explodes inside of them.

    Thank you for your love and support of him. Being a military wife is quite a sacrafice. I appreciate that so much.

    You do have to take care of you and your baby. And since you are in counseling Im sure you have thought this through carefully.

    The military always pays the child first. So you will get taken care of.

    Talk to an atty. They can talk to you one time for free. You can get your answers from him.

    You will get through this. And youll do ok. Lots of women have been there and done it. Its not easy but it can be done.

    good luck.

  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    That is such a sad story. Just remember, you have to do what is best for you. You can do it. Do you have friends and family that would be willing to help? And trust me hunnie, I had a three year old and went to school and worked two jobs and we survived! In fact, my son has soooo much respect for me because of everything that I did for him.

    So, if you're sure that you're not in love with your husband. Get out and get your life back together.

  • 1 decade ago

    I recommend you read "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrence Real - it's about male depression and how it shows up very differently than depression in women. Women internalize depression, while males externalize it. Men are more likely to be violent or angry or have trouble in their marital relationships when they are depressed. Try to get him to read this book too. Depending on whether you want to stay with him or not, offer therapy first before you go if you would like to stay with him and work things out. Then stick to therapy even if it's difficult. Good luck.

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