Has anyone seen this doing the rounds?
As most of you know I am neutral regarding America and the UK but this has come to my attention and it's quite amusing....What are your views?
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as Taggart will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is Devon. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become shires e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as Men Behaving Badly or Red Dwarf will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.* Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called rounders, which is baseball without the fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
*QUICK NOTE: Baseball is, in fact, a popular sport in Japan and its surrounding countries. However, as their teams are never invited to partake in the 'World Series', your point still stands.*
7. You will no longe
Just me - It's called freedom of expression
Part 2 coming soon at a local forum near you.
The only logical solution, thanks for seeing the humour in it, part 2 has posted.
- Anonymous1 decade agoFavourite answer
I've seen variations of this for the past few years. Hey, it's humor, no harm done.
Arrgh! Point # 7, we will no longer what?
As an American through and through, let me be the first to say that I know that the sole purpose of this is humor. There is no hatred, "bigotry" or "racism" here. So I'm going to do a preemptive, "lighten up."
Dude, you got it with American football. I love the game but they have to stop every two seconds and then walk around the field for ten to fill the time needed for commercials. It's always when I'm just getting into the action when the game comes to a screeching halt and then they have to tell you what you just saw.
The first point is well-taken. We lacked wisdom on that one didn't we, and it's coming back to bite us.
I've been to Netherlands, Croatia, and San Blas Islands as well as Mexico. It is a big fascinating world out there.
Wasn't Sir Alec Guinness a good guy? But the British are so good as being bad. Who doesn't like Alan RIckman's role in Harry Potter.
""You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh.""
Now that would sound cool, "Pittsburra." We have a "Newburra" road near Detroit. ( Detroy-it)
And the US Southern accent did come from some forms of Irish and British English. And I for one dig bagpipe music, as well as the two British Invasions of music, the 60's and the New Wave 80's. Good stuff.
Edit: Dear Englishman in Kentucky. You forgot "tyre" instead of tire, and how we say "garage" as opposed to the British way of saying it "gare-raj." ;c)
- 4 years ago
Don't know but Isaiah was informed by God it's round Isaiah 40:22 God sits above the circle of the earth. The people below seem like grasshoppers to him! He spreads out the heavens like a curtain and makes his tent from them
- 1 decade ago
Not only did I notice it, but by-your-standards evidently, my triple major of Economics, Government/Constitutional Law and History at one of the oldest universities in America, while young compared to Cambridge and Oxford and 'unfortunately' seated in Washington, DC, "only" taught me to look at written statements with a critical eye. So lo and behold, I must take you to task for posting some slightly humorous piece that was written when GEORGE W. BUSH was elected. You know: when BLAIR was your P.M.
Unless, of course, we have tricked Marty McFly into going "Forward To The Past" in that tasty DeLorean.
What a sick trick THAT would be: 8 years of Dubya were 9 too many.
But thank you, ma'am, for at least trying.
Failing, but you went down trying nonetheless.
Pip-pip, be a good lass, stiff upper lip, good sport, take one for the Queen, cheerio and all that rubbish, eh wot?
NOW who's your Uncle Bob?
- Smug LiberalLv 61 decade ago
And do they tell the Aussies to quit playing Aussie Rules? This yank has watched AFL for years and it is a great way to learn Australian English and how it differs from the British accent.
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- Anonymous1 decade ago
This amounts to plagiarism and misrepresentation. You must be a Republican!
It was directed at Bush and the Republikkkan party, not the Democrats or President Obama!
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Yes - I got that email back in 2000 and again in 2004.
- Anonymous1 decade ago
Are you trying to divide America ? Are you trying to take the revenge of the loss in the war we gave a few hundred yrs ago
Are you an UK government spy ?
- justm399Lv 61 decade ago
Yes, I saw this not too long after gw was elected...
- El TecoloteLv 71 decade ago
"Revocation of our independence?" LOL
WE BEAT YOUR @SSES BACK IN A WAR. YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING OF OURS TO REVOKE. WE TOOK IT WITH MUSKETS AND BAYONETS. TRY AND "REVOKE" ANYTHING FROM US AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
(Not that England is going to try to "revoke" power from its biggest ally in the first place.)
- Anonymous1 decade ago
That's funny :)
I want to read the rest of it.