Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Pregnancy & ParentingParenting · 1 decade ago

How can I know if I will ever be ready for kids or not?

I am 20 years old and hope to one day find the right person and get married to the lady of my dreams. Now the problem is that I do not know what to do about kids. Last Friday I was watching Oprah live and my mom came into my room to ask me something. All of the sudden she sees Oprah and she says oh- can I watch with you and I said- I guess so. Right after that Oprah started talking about that girl that had been raped by her dad. After watching the whole thing my mom says to me- we need to talk and SERIOUS! So I said what's wrong? She says- I know that one day you will find the right lady and get married but to tell you the truth I don't think you can ever have kids in your life. She said- you can get married and have a perfect life with someone but no kids allowed! She said that I could have a traveling partner or something. I said why no kids? She said- you will never be ready. Even with all the help in the world you wont make it. I was so shocked and surprised at what she said that I asked her to leave and give me some time to think. I got angry and upset with tears of madness that came along with it. I don't know what to do. How can I tell if kids are for me? Ever since I was little I would tell my parents that I was never going to get married but now I have changed my thoughts about it and want to find someone to be with and get married. What can I do? If I really wanted someone for just traveling I would just ask a friend of mine to travel or become my room mate. Why get married if I can't start a family and have kids? This is the only reason that I was considering getting married someday.

While I disagree with what my mother has said- she is my mother and she is just trying to look after what is best for me. I can't just say to hell with it and not listen to her. Doing so would put so much pressure on me as a person and I could never raise kids like that. The idea is that I want to be a good successful parent that can raise kids and watch them grow up. When ever I go to the store and people see me with my dad they say- is that your brother? He is 36 but looks like he is 25 or something so people ask if he is my brother. I want to have this same experience with my kids one day where I can go to the store and people say is that your big brother?

What can I do? also- I am NOT a rapist for those who thought so. So think again before making comments on me being a rapist! thanks

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  • 1 decade ago
    Best answer

    Pretty wierd that someones mom would say don't have kids usually its the other way around normally there begging for grandkids. I think your mom had that reaction because it sounds like you parents are still pretty young, and it sounds like she wants you to do the best you can before you have them i just think she didnt know how to say it and the way she did was the easiest way for her to tell you how she felt. With that i should tell you that i am only 29 and i have 2 kids already ages 11 and 9, I started very young and i wouldn't have asked for anything better in my life. I had them when i wasn't ready. Now being 29 i can tell you that i do know what it feels like to really want one i do want one more if i can i would like to have a boy cuz i have two girls. If you feel like you want to have kids later do it dont make a decision based on your mom. Just don't rush into it or feel like it needs to be done now because it doesn't. the thing is you wont be ready and it will be alot harder for you if you go bone the first thing you see and get that pregnant. I guess the point im trying to make is your still young so dont be in a rush bad things happen that way. When you meet the right girl and if you REALLY fall in love and not that fake stuff (you will know the diffrence when it happens believe me) then you will know your ready for kids. Just let it happen try to take care of yourself for now and get your act together and you will be ok. Kids really aren't that bad there fun and there going to look up to you for EVERYTHING you will be ok just take your time and be patient

    Source(s): Lifes lessons
  • Erika
    Lv 4
    3 years ago

    No one is ever capable for children. It seems like he can have different explanations for no longer being capable. Find out his truly explanations for announcing no longer but. It could also be some thing as practical as doubting that he'd be a well dad. Try speakme to him in some way that would possibly not make him shielding. Avoid making having a youngster the difficulty. Let him understand that you simply wish to recognize his emotions at the discipline. You do not ought to resolve some thing on this dialog. Make expertise every different (notably him) the target. Bridging the hole (compromise) will come later. Good success. PS. Financial readiness isn't as principal as you would feel. We have two children. The oldest used to be born even as my husband used to be operating on his BS. He then went onto get his MS. He's simply now establishing his first 'truly' task and our oldest is three a million/two. Besides, whilst you are on medicaid, the federal government pays for the whole thing. Some folks do not approve, however I'll spend the relaxation of my existence paying taxes. I'm definite I'll pay all of it again after which a few.

  • Power
    Lv 7
    1 decade ago

    Your mother has her life & you are entitled to your life. Some times parents say some really dumb things but love them anyway. We have to discern. That means we have to figure out what is right & trust that inner voice/guidance system within. You are a fresh new unique person so I don't know who your mother thinks you are but you are not McKenzie Phillips father or whoever the show was about. You deserve a chance at having your own kids & living your own life. So dream the dream that is meant for you..Many people are choosing not to get married or have kids cause it is hard enough to just take care of themselves. You are young enough to give yourself some time. Gosh, I think Jerry Seinfeld had this whole career & ended his show before he got married and had kids & he know has a wonderful wife & 3 kids. I think he is in his late 50's so especially for a guy. You have a lot of time. I don't know what your mother was thinking but forgive her she probably means the best but has her own issues that poured through in that conversation with you. As an adult she has no right to tell you not to have kids. Build up mentors in your life so when you do have kids if your mother doesn't want to be part of their life you will have lots of family by choice who can fill in as grandparents. Yet,she might also end up not at all meaning what it appears she said or she might change her mind & she might end up being the best grandmother to you kids that you can imagine...she might not have meant you would do something bad but she might think the girls are liars or just the grief that comes at times from being a parent is something too painful to risk.

  • 1 decade ago

    I am surprised your mom talked to you that way. I believe in people's ability to change, grow up and become better human beings. Whatever was your mom basing the fact that you won't be ready for kids? I would seriously question that. I think you should talk to an unbiased person, a counselor or a minister who can evaluate you without having a stake in the issue. Your mom has stakes in you and she may not be a clear judge. Also do not have kids based on people thinking you are their brother and not their dad. Raising kids is a much more complex thing than that.

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Your mom only has that motherly instinct. She can't decide whether or not you can have a child and she may of just said that because she wants to make sure your mature and responsible first. If you never thought that you wanted to get married but now you're changing your mind and thinking about kids then your growing up and maturing and trying to find out whats right for you. I would make sure though that you have a steady income and that you feel that you're ready. Don't let your mom tell you otherwise, ultimately its your life and you are living that life so if anyone knows whats best for you, its you. You just need to determine what paths you want to take in life.

    Good luck.

  • 1 decade ago

    I think that no matter what your mother says that one day when you find the right person you will know whether or not you want children. Right now you sound like youd be a great father because your thinking about how they would feel and how you feel. dont worry when the time is right and you and whoever youre with make the decision i think you'll be ready

  • 1 decade ago

    whether you have kids or not is none of her business. that will be a decision for you and your girl when the time is right, you can provide for a family, you have sewed your wild oats, and you have settled down in life. Not your mom's choice to decide, you and the wife's decision.

  • Malia
    Lv 5
    1 decade ago

    i watched that episode too..but anyways..

    thats mother talk..it translates to..get your crap together before you settle down, go to school , get a career, get settled down in life before you get married and have kids...

    BUT

    if she really was serious, you should tell her that you do might want to have kids someday and when that day comes its going to be your choice and not hers, but to answer your question, i dont think youre ever really 'ready' to have children..my best advice to you is to go to college, get married, get a good job so that you can provid efor you rfamily

  • 1 decade ago

    Just go for it.

    Wow! you typed a lot!

  • 1 decade ago

    do what u want to do and dont type so much!

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