Dear New Vampire,
Thank you for taking the time to read this introductory leaflet which we hope will help you to adjust to your new lifestyle as one of the blood-sucking undead. We hope that it will help to answer some of the frequently asked questions which people often ask at this difficult time.
Can I go back to being human?
No. Sorry, but from now on you’re a vampire or you’re dead. And no, that ‘genetic cure’ thing is just a fictional plot device in ‘Blade’
Am I immortal now?
Sort of. You will find that you are faster and stronger than you were as a mortal and that you can absorb more damage and heal from that damage more quickly than you could before. However, you are not indestructible and if you choose to stand in front of a moving freight train things probably won’t turn out well.
Will sunlight kill me?
Yes. We’ve only had one vampire who doubted that sunlight was lethal to our kind. He’s currently residing in our Overlord’s office, inside an hourglass.
Is silver deadly to me now?
Yes. Silver is indeed toxic to vampires, so we try to avoid it as far as possible, especially when it’s travelling towards us in small pieces at about 2,800 feet per second.
Is there an alternative to drinking blood?
New vampires often have difficulty feeding, as their ‘residual humanity’ makes them reluctant to bite humans. This is usually an interim stage and most vamps come around to the idea in time. While seeking alternative food sources is encouraged, savaging poodles is considered to be bad form.
How do I pass myself off as human?
Most of our kind choose to adopt a ‘Goth’ look, since the majority of Goths look pale, thin, and occasionally a bit insane. Although we have to put up with lots of fashion jokes and listen to some rather depressing music, we find that it’s an effective disguise. Some of our kind have adopted a rather more flamboyant and Byronic look, which is still acceptable, but the less said about the vampire who decided to become an Elvis tribute act the better.
How do I earn a living?
Well, since a day job is no longer an option, we advise people to seek employment which allows night working, indoor work in locations without light, or work underground. Alternatively, business conducted over the Internet is a safe means of earning a living. However, the simplest way is to make sure that when you drain the lifeblood from your next human victim, you take his wallet and car keys at the same time.
Where can I live?
Preferably somewhere which is completely shielded from daylight and secure enough so that you won’t be disturbed. At a pinch you can get a van and live in that, but some kind of safe house is better. Although a few of our kind have taken to living in ancient castles, that’s generally regarded as a bit pretentious.
What about human servants/familiars?
It’s difficult to find someone who can be trusted. Lets face it, most of the people who’d volunteer to be servants to the undead have got to be f*cking idiots to start with. You’re best bet is to hire either the educationally subnormal, the mentally deranged, those who are already minions of evil, or people from East Anglia.
Will the people that I bite become vampires?
No. You have to drain them fully, then use some of your blood to ‘turn’ them. Due to pressure on the food supply, we strongly advise you not to create a new vampire without the permission of the Ruling Council. The last person who did finished up wearing a sun-bed.
Is there anything which vampires are forbidden to do?
Using Y!A to find dumb teenagers who want to meet vampires is frowned upon, and sleeping with werewolves is also considered something of a social faux pas. Doing anything which helps to convince the public at large that we exist is a bad thing. Like leaving this leaflet on the train.
Who can I contact for more information?
The address, telephone number, fax number, website address and e-mail of our support centre can be found at the bottom of this leaflet, written in vampire glyphs. If you can’t see them, you don’t need our help.