Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Entertainment & MusicPolls & Surveys · 1 decade ago

Am I a good writer (another original poem)?

*I need feedback. It would be formatted differently but I can't do that on here. I'd like honest answers and ways to improve. I posted it here because I get more honest answers. An original poem By: Joanna. I haven't come up with a title for it yet though. *also sorta long. I wrote this in like 10 minutes so don't be harsh!

They sit there smiling,

just little kids.

They laugh and talk about how they can't wait to grow up.

They lick their popsicle stained lips.

They are best friends.

That was back when they were eight years old.

Now they're sixteen and have grown older.

They know there is evil in this world,

they know that life is not perfect.

They confide in each other about things they regret.

Mistakes they've made,

things they've done.

Their innocence is lost.

They aren't those eight year old little girls anymore.

They don't play tag anymore,

or play barbies,

they don't have a secret handshake anymore,

they don't put clip-ins in their hair,

or worry about cooties.

Instead they talk about what they are gonna do with their lives,

what the latest gossip is,

what the latest style is,

the party they're going to that weekend,

and who their new boyfriend is.

At this age they've come to regret a lot of things they've done.

They wish they could turn back time.

They wish they would've made better decisions,

and wish they would not care if they are popular or not.

They aren't little kids anymore.

Update:

ya I couldn't think of a good ending... :)

10 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago
    Favorite Answer

    Honestly, I thought it was amazing. On this site when I read people's poems it's usually just random lines filled with words and phrases that don't make any sense but sound cool.

    This, on the other hand, actually had a point, one that was original and deep. And you made it under 10 minutes apparently. I'm impressed.

    My one criticism is that the ending really isn't that powerful. It has some cliche topics like past regrets and stuff. If it was a bit more original and dramatic, it'd end this great poem magnificently.

    It's really good, honestly.

    It made me think about being a kid and how I've grown and what I regret.

    I miss my childhood days...

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  • 1 decade ago

    Well I wouldn't agree that the internet is the best place to get this type of feedback. People could steal your poem or say its bad just so that you'll give up writing. I'll try to be as honest as possible with what I think of it. And I like to be harsh in my criticisms so don't be hurt.

    It doesn't seem to have a set form or any poetic devices so I read it as prose. But I was still disappointed by the repetitiveness throughout. Sentence form is repeated and ideas are repeated. But my biggest problem was the superficiality of the poem. The idea could be implied on a deeper level, but you would have to use deeper words. That's about it other then proofreading.

    SO. Are you a good writer? You could be. This poem is not definitive about that, especially considering that you wrote it in ten minutes. I would suggest not to be judged by your ten minute poems. That's all I have to say. Keep writing. It's the best.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I'm going to echo the detailed comment above (i.e. stronger)

    not trying to cop-out - you have something here with the poetry that is good, but you need to nurture / hone / not finding the right word ...

    try using a thesaurus (which is a bad idea in some ways) or make the visuals / feelings / etc come alive deductively - if you want the reader to think, then don't be scared to MAKE them think. If you want the reader to feel something, then don't be scared to write something that will make them cry, laugh, etc.

    EDIT (to show example):

    Instead of "they don't put clip-ins in their hair" why not explain where those items are (a box of treasures from childhood?)

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  • Anonymous
    1 decade ago

    Not bad in places, but truly good poetry is more subtle, leaving more to the reader's imagination to implicitly glean meaning from the diction and imagery, rather than prosaically and explicitly explaining the themes.

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  • 1 decade ago

    unlike the other this one will be short

    i think this is a wonder full poem with great technique from te writer you may become famous with your artistic (or poetic if you wish) abilities

    also to those thinking rhyme is poetic you are wrong look up what a free verse poem is,

    also look up Haiku i write them

    Source(s): me
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  • 4 years ago

    Its like a song from the 60's.. Yummy-Yummy-Yummy-I got love in my tummy/..!! It made me chuckle-- Hope things work out for you/.

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  • 1 decade ago

    7/10

    Good and true but you need a stronger and more convincing ending.

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  • 1 decade ago

    YOU ARE SO SUPER ! SUPER GIRL !! YOU ROCK !!! HOW CAN YOU DO THAT IN JUST 10 MINUTES ?? AWSOME ! WELL DONE !! GOOD GIRL !!! IF I ONLY COULD,I WOULD GIVE YOU 50 POINTS FOR THIS ( YOUR INTELIGENCE ) !!!!

    Source(s): LOVE YA & YOUR WRITTING !!!!!
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  • 1 decade ago

    I think it's better than your other one.

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  • 1 decade ago

    I like it!

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