Dad has 2 years to live - i don't feel anything?

Just found out my dad has really bad cancer and has anything from 2 months up to 2 years to live. My family are upset but I have never really got on with my dad, and I feel pretty much indifferent and i don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I would like to fully explain all my dads problems and why he... show more Just found out my dad has really bad cancer and has anything from 2 months up to 2 years to live. My family are upset but I have never really got on with my dad, and I feel pretty much indifferent and i don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I would like to fully explain all my dads problems and why he has them but to put it simply he has a few emotional / mental problems including anxiety attacks and depression, but I don't really know much about it and there are other things as well. I've never really got on with him or liked him except when i was a little kid, but then all kids look up to their parents no matter what. I've never needed him either, he is pretty immature and my mum looks after me and my three siblings (I'm the oldest and im 19) and is there for us. She also is the main income earner. Dad is a drain on the family resources, he only works a few hours a week and will nag and whine at mum to buy him sweets and other goodies like a child. He has stolen money before, once or twice tried to hit her, and barely brings in any income and expects mum to do all the houswork as well as a full time job. I would also like to point out that my mum treats him like another kid, and he has next to no responsibility in our home because of all of the above and he is rarely successful when he tries to get his own way.

My siblings are upset that he is going to die, and I figure that the reason I'm not is because I was the only one old enough to realise exactly what was going on when dad was going through some of his worst 'episodes' (by this I mean he is not violent and angry all the time, but these days he is less and less, but in the past he has been pretty bad and i was young and didn't understand and feared for me and my mum). I used to wish he would die so my mum wouldn't be upset all the time, and so we could live our lives without worrying about tip toeing around dad if he is angry, or trying to reason with him when he wants to blow all our money on a new tv or something. Mum never leaves him with my baby brother because he is so irresponsible.

My mum doesn't seem majorly distraught about my dad dying, and i think when he does go it will be a liberating experience and she will be happier without him. Then again she doesn't usually show her emotions unless they're really extreme. I think even if she will be somewhat relieved, she will still be upset because its the end of an era - they have been together for so long.

So all in all i don't like or need my dad, and i avoid speaking to him in general even though i live with him. Now that he is dying and I'm still indifferent im scared that im a bad person - and im not usually like this, its just iv learnt not to trust him and he is not a trust worthy person what with him stealing from his own family. Other charming memories include him reading my diaries as a child and teenager, which I was very upset about at the time, and him smashing up my belongings after i gave him cheek when i was 14.

Please help, why do i not feel anything?
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