Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesBooks & Authors · 9 years ago

Please tell me what you think of my story so far?

Hello everybody out there. I need some advice on this story, and I appreciate any help or advice. Also, this is only a draft of my story, so if you don't like it, I won't be offended.

I’m 14, and I’ve been through 9 boyfriends since the age of 12. The first few were a bit like just playing around and thinking ‘Awww! Let’s hold hands! Let’s kiss, so everybody notices us’ but then by the age of 13 I actually started liking some of the boys who I came across. It was more of a game, to impress my friends, before. A month ago I met a boy called Kevin, and I truly, truly liked him. There was a time where he was about to kiss me… he was so close I could feel the warmth of his breath and the tickle of his hair against my cheek. My eyes flickered shut, right before a girl walked in and told him the teacher needed him. Typical. That day he discovered he had to move, and he was swept away from me. I used to text him and all that sort of stuff, after he had gone, but his texts were mainly about this cute girl sitting next to him, and one day he told me he started going out with her. I was crushed.

Ive practically given up in love… it never lasts.

Monday. It spells school stew and grumpy teachers. Schools are always full of kids who paint their nails at lunch break and teachers who don’t know the difference between good and bad. I hate it. I walk down the corridor, and head straight for the storeroom. People shout my name but I ignore them. They already know exactly what I'm planning

“Amber! Hey… err… why don't you show me your bag?”

“Hey! Amber! Come down here, no need to go down to the storeroom…”

It’s only until I hear this “AMBER BLACK! GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE IMMEDIATELY!”…that I stop and turn.

“WHAT?” I shout back. “TOO SCARED TO SEE THE BROOMS?”

Mrs Preesely explodes then. She shouts at peoples in her way, shoving others forcefully to the side to reach me. I turn and sprint down the corridor, dodging teachers giving my grumpy looks, and startled students, clapping wildly, as if they're in a circus Mrs Preesely’s voice dies away as I run down the path outside. I head straight for the gate, right up until a voice says from behind me, “You’re falling in trouble again?” I jump and spin around. It’s the boy from the year above me, who’s always quiet and mysterious. I sigh and start walking back up towards the gate. He hurries up to me.

There's a lot more, but I feel I need some public advice, just so I know what people think of it.

Thanks a bunch! xx

5 Answers

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  • 9 years ago
    Best answer

    It is really good, gripping in a good way. I love the character but like another person said slow it down a little about the mysterious boy remember you may know the boy but the reader doesn't and I am so intrigued. Maybe tell the way he is mysterious not just say it like for example: It's the boy from the year above me who knows how to nail the look of pure nonchalance as he leans against the lockers, he doesn't talk much but when he does his voice intrigues me. This shows mysteriousness and quietness but gives the reader more of an image to hold onto.

    i hope I helped

  • 9 years ago

    it's really good up to

    “Amber! Hey… err… why don't you show me your bag?”

    “Hey! Amber! Come down here, no need to go down to the storeroom…”

    It’s only until I hear this “AMBER BLACK! GET YOUR BUTT DOWN HERE IMMEDIATELY!”…that I stop and turn.

    “WHAT?” I shout back. “TOO SCARED TO SEE THE BROOMS?”

    first, what does "too scared to see the brooms?" mean? second, you end it too quickly with the guy talking, slow it down at their enconter

    hope that helps

  • 9 years ago

    Amazing story I would love to publish it call 1323 568 5689 and also fax it at that number.

    xx

  • 9 years ago

    THE BROOMS ARE ATTACKING! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

    KILLER BROOMS!

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    It wasinteresting...

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