Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 9 years ago

Can our marriage work?

My husband is an abuser.Now he wants to change. Do abusers really change?

My husband of 4 years has been abusing me physically(beating me,pulling hair,slapping etc),,emotionally(eyeing other women in my presence,comparing me,putting me down)sexually(telling me to tell him stories of him,having sex with other women,watching,enacting ****,raping me),..recently the the violence got worse and he even hit me with an iron rod which made me unable to walk for few days..he even tried to choke me.I somehow managed to escape out taking my 2.5 yrs toddler and closed the door from outside.i was treamblng with fear and he shouting me to come inside.he threatened that he will consume poison if i dint open door.I went inside then he started saying sorry that he lost his temper and he wont do it again,but I've lost faith in him.this is what I am seeing for last 4 yrs.He went to psychiatrist when i threatened to leave with our child,and is hopeful that it will work.His own parents had an unhappy marriage and he also used to get beaten a lot by his mom who he loves a lot.I am really confused should i continue living with him with my child who watches everything or should i leave as i feel no love or respect for him.

I am well qualified and can take care of our child well..need honest answer

Additional Details

I used to love him which started abruptly on lust then i found him two timiing me he said sorry and we married after few oppositions.But I think he may not have respect for me coz he got me very easily .He is quite handsome and i too am very good looking.

i often find other guys trying to hit on me while he hardly ever appreciates me even which he feels he is habitually not very vocal in his feelings .i have never spoken about all this to anyone while he tells everything to his mom.who has treated me very badly

He claims That he loves me a lot and will die without me but then how can someone hit so badly to his love

I agree I've been rude at times as i felt if he never gave me what i want i should also do the same.It pains a lot when i see others' husbands showering love on their wives.while being a romantic i did everything initialy for him but never got what i wanted in return(little appreciation,respect,care)

9 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago
    Favorite Answer

    always be affirmative .make him trust you and you too trust him. God bless you both

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Wow... Big Hug

    He will not change without something really hurting him and making him change. He may change for a short time but will return to what he is.

    You have put up with him for too long and must realise you deserve much more than this man. You have put up with his awful treatment of you and this is not right. He treats you badly and it is not right. Find someone else who will love you for you. His actions are not your fault - he should be locked up and the key thrown away... beating you with an iron bar!!! You would be better off living by yourself in a cardboard box than being with this man.

    You do not deed this guy... you can do without him. Do you want to live like this? how about in 2, 5 or 10 years time? Come on... You are better than this and deserve more. His actions are his own and you have done nothing to make him behave this way - And we both know he is in the wrong.

    It may be hard for him with his upbringing but this is his problem and not yours.

    You may be able to try counselling and things may be better if he is motivated. He really needs to care about you and your child. I think any counsellor wort their salt would recommend you get out now and make him prove he can control himself and respects you enough to stop this horrible treatment of you. Do you want him to lash out at your child? It will happen! Yes it will at some stage and you can do something about it NOW! Get out while you can. If he gets help and proves himself then maybe you can get back together.

    He is using emotional blackmail saying he cannot live without you - This is bull! he would not treat you this way if it was true.

    Make up your mind and go fo it. Start with a timeframe of something like 6 months - make up your mind that no matter what he says or does you want to seperate for this length of time so he can get some help - and he will if he really loves you and wants it to work out between you.

    You also need some support so look after yourself and find someone (or an organisation) that will support you and listen when you need to talk or just have a cup of tea.

    If after 6 months you both feel you can try again then do so - but make it clear that if he so much as lifts a finger to you you are out of there so fast he will only see dust. And I mean the first time he does something... even if you have to go to a motel for a few nights - let him know you mean business. If he doesn't stop you will tell everyone you know how he has treated you.

    Go back to your parents if you have to - I am sure they would not want their daughter treated this way just as you do not want your own children to be treated so badly.

    I think you already know what I am saying... You just need the confidence in yourself to make the break. You will be a much stronger person for following through with your decision and a much better parent to your children.

    Huge hug... and good luck

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  • Woka
    Lv 6
    9 years ago

    Of course it is possible for anyone to change, it doesn't happen often though. There needs to be a reason why he should change though, when his life is the safe and things go the same, and you always stay and he always gets his own way, why on earth should he change.

    I would suggest you move out with your son and get a job and support yourself and him, and tell your hubby you are leaving so that he can get help when the help is starting to work and there are very big differences etc, and you have spoken to his doctor etc, then you will consider letting him move in with you over the weekends first and will then take it from there.

    He is not going to like it at all and might even decide to beat you, then it will be clear to him and yourself why you need to leave, he is never going to change unless you change and leave.

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  • 9 years ago

    If you do nothing and stay with him your child will grow up to think that beating is what happens in a normal relationship. My mother grew up with a physically and verbally abusive step father and saw him beat my grandmother until she was 16 when she turned around and beat him kicking him out of the house. She is 56 now and still caries a lot of anger and hatred, my grandmother never trusted another man and has been alone since he left. If you stay it will only get worse, he may end up killing you and then where will your child be? You could tell him you were moving to let him get better then never go back to him. Wife beaters rarely change.

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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    People never change , may be he is going to change for a month or two then he is going to be like that only after sometime , if he truely loved you he never would have beaten you so badly ,thats the fact if he truely loved you he must have only thretened you , not beaten you like that , your marraige wold never work out , this is really hard to accept but it will be good for you if you accept this soon , this was my problem too iam a 16 years old boy my father used to do all this from my birth nd one day when i was 12 my mother commited suicide nd died , my father also used to beat her abuse her nd gauranteed to change but never change ,, so it will be good if you leave him for a better future of you nd your child

    Source(s): Personal Expierience
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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Honestly after reading ur story, found that U both love each other but somehow balance in life is lil lacking, dont leave him rather make a small gap between both of U and see the reaction with no words. aftersome times, U will find the result of this, I m sure.

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  • 9 years ago

    Please know that I am answering your question based on my own experience. My ex was verbally abusive to me for the eight years we were married. I can't tell you how many times he said he was going to change. He never did. My advise is to move on. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much better. My divorce was hard, and still is because he is still dragging things out a year later, but I wouldn't change it for anything!!

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  • 9 years ago

    Hi honey,i can understand how u must be feeling,i have been to the same situation but bit different case well i found out many different and nice ways to come out of this and m sure i can help you out with the same feel free to contact me on lostiam13atyahoo.com i will be waiting for your reply on my mail..hope to get in touch with you soon. :)

    Source(s): self
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  • Anonymous
    9 years ago

    Why not,if you work.

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