Sex life with my Wife has fallen of a cliff...what can I do?

My Wife and I have had sex ONE time in the past 8 months (last 4 months of pregnancy, first 4 months with child). I'm aware that the pregnancy/child has a little to do with it, but this just doesn't seem normal.

I had a child several years ago with a different woman, and she was horny through the whole pregnancy and was back at it one week after giving vaginal birth. My Wife had a c-section, her scar is tiny, and she went back to her normal weight of 110lbs almost INSTANTLY, so I don't think it's an issue with her feeling unattractive.

I'm making fewer and fewer advances towards her because I know 10 out of 10 times, I am going to get rejected. After awhile you just give up. I still try on occasion, but she just makes me feel like I'm a perv for wanting my Wife.

Here's some things that worry me or don't seem normal:

1) I can't TOUCH her anywhere near a sexual zone. Period. I used to sleep with my hand on her boob (it relaxes me). Haven't been able to do that in around a year.

2) Sex started to decline before the pregnancy, but it was a normal decline (1-3 times a week). Now it's completely fallen off a cliff.

3) She did cheat on me as recently as a couple years ago. I'm worried that might happen again.

4) We moved to her hometown in Michigan. (I'm from Kentucky). I'm worried she may meet someone up here. She goes out to her friends house quite a bit. (She offers for me to go sometimes, but I usually turn her down)

5) We had an argument last year, and I brought up the sex situation (it was starting to decline) and I asked her why. She said it was boring. Which cut me quite a bit. The weird thing is, I've always felt SHE was the boring one. Very vanilla sex. (3-4 positions, not much interesting foreplay, not into kinky stuff or porno, no head in at least 2 years.) I did get her into public sex a little bit, but we got away from that. She did say after this argument that she didn't mean it, but I don't buy that at all.

Reasons why I feel she may be less attracted to me:

1) When we met I was in the Army Reserves, had a nice job, and in a rock band. Now I am out of the Army, haven't had a good job, and no rock band. (I feel like these are superficial things, but to women, maybe they have to have them)

2) When we met, I was a fit 180 lbs. I now weigh 220. I've asked her if the weight is a problem and she denies it. Says she likes my butt. Still, I have to wonder.

3) I was in an accident with a drunk driver in 2008. My back has been terrible ever since. I still give it 100% in bed, but I just don't have the energy I used to. I'm 30 and my back is worse than a 60 year old's. I'm sure there are plenty of guys who are worse, but I'm not at the level I was.

8 Answers

  • 8 years ago
    Favourite answer

    My advice is always talk to your spouse. Instead of asking why you weren't having sex, you should have asked if something is bothering her. The manner in which you address something like this is important - its not all about you. She isn't interested, and she has a reason - you need to find that reason (silly or not) and see if you can properly address it.

    First off - the cheating thing. It sucks. I personally would never go back to someone who cheated on me - that's it. Finished. But here it is, you know she cheated, and you chose to stay with her. You had an out - if she wasn't worth it, then you wouldn't have stayed, right? Keys to marriage, honesty and trust. Either you trust her that the cheating is over, or you don't. If you don't trust her, you have bigger issues than whether or not you guys are having sex regularly. Maybe she feels this - and it has effected her sexual drive. Remember, women are like 90% brain, 10% loins when it comes to sex, men are the opposite. If something serious in your relationship is bothering her, shes not apt to want sex. This all could have been spurred by the pregnancy too - it was OK for a while that the trust had to be built up again - but after you started a family together, she wanted that trust to be there. If she doesn't feel it, she might think you have one foot out the door already. Remember that her world has changed to being all about the baby.

    Every woman is different with pregnancy and sex. Some can't get enough, some want nothing to do with it, most fall somewhere in-between. By the way, 1 week after giving birth is foolish for your other partner (which by the way, most women, and men, don't' really like these sorts of comparisons) because of the risk of infection. Anyway - her body is different. She looks great to you, but she feels different - even if shes popped right back into shape. That takes time to get used to.

    She may also be simply afraid to get back on the horse, so to speak. It's been so long, she might be insecure and unsure of herself.

    Rather than assuming that women prioritize money and your body, perhaps you should consider that you have done something wrong in the relationship. It seems to me that because she doesn't want sex, you are jumping to the worst conclusions about her. She doesn't want to have sex because shes cheating on me, or because shes going to meet someone here. Shes cheating on me because I don't make enough money. Shes cheating on me because I'm not in the same shape physically that I once was.

    I mean honestly - if shes a cheater who is only into money and your band, why are you with her? And consequently, if you don't think she is these things, why are you painting such a bad picture of her to other people. Are you that angry about it? TALK TO HER.

    Also I read a study on the effects of children on marriage (peer edited, reviewed) about a year ago, and it did include some information about sex after childbirth. I don't remember the exact statistics - but it was something like 50% of the men and women questioned said they didn't go back into the bedroom with any regularity for 4-6months after birth. Just some food for thought.

    From what you've said, I would assume that your wife has probably figured out that you don't trust her or think very highly of her. Cheating sucks, but what you've said makes you look just as flawed - and its the picture you've put out! So I can only imagine the truth of the situation.

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  • If the lack of sex has occurred mostly/only during and after the pregnancy then just give her some time to recover and 'take care of yourself' for a while (if you know what I mean). It takes at least 4 weeks for your body to fully recover from a c-section. It may look like a small scar from your point of view but a c-section cuts through 7 layers of her body, starting with the skin (the layer you are seeing) and ending with the uterus. I had muscular pains for weeks after my c-section and I still remember this 10 years on.

    I doubt that it has anything to do with your appearance and more to do with your behaviour and her tiredness of dealing with a newborn. Is this her first child?

    Don't compare her to another woman, everyone is different and it is irrelevant to your situation anyhow.

    I think if you bring up the whole sex thing with her now it will start an argument, she's probably tired from being up all night with the baby, and is she also doing all the baby care and housework? Maybe she resents you for not doing more to support her? Also, how are her emotions towards life in general? Could she be suffering from post-natal blues? If she is depressed her libido will diminish.

    Do you know what I think is the best way to rekindle the sex?

    1. Let her get some rest, offer to stay up nights with the baby (or get a babysitter like your/her Mum to help).

    2. Clean the house, tell her to put her feet up for the day and tell her she's doing a great job as a mother. Ask her how she feels about motherhood. (If she is sad/depressed she may have the baby blues).

    3. Assuming she is not tired or depressed, treat her to a special day/night. If she doesn't want to leave the baby with a babysitter you can give her a special day (like a date), at home, make her her favourite meal (or her favourite takeway if you can't cook), hire a movie, popcorn, chocolates and a really good bunch of flowers (not the $5 servo type).

    4. After your date, tell her how beautiful she is, and how she looks just as beautiful as the day you met her.

    5. Start with a back massage, then tell her 'let's go to bed so that I can massage you properly'.

    6. Use lots of foreplay.

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    If you can't talk to her, and make her understand that men need sex, I'd consider divorce. Sorry about the back. Try to lose some weight. It usually helps. She sounds like my ex-wife. Every body we knew, was enjoying sex with her, except me! She came home with STDs twice! If you are not ready for divorce, then just have an affair. I found that there were a lot of women in our situation. You might meet some wonderful women. I did.

    Good luck. You're going to need it.

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  • 8 years ago

    well sir i cant say i know what your going through all i can do is tell you what i think. i think she wanted you badly back when you were the "hot" guy to most girls but now that the military thing and band thing went away she has slowly lost interest in you (not saying its your fault) now i don't know you or your wife but from what i see now a days most relationships are based on looks and money. maybe your wife is different then most girls but that's what it looks like to me sorry to say

    Source(s): my opinion
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  • 4 years ago

    I answered this very question not long ago...but it was the man that fell asleep...and I got clobbered because I said that if it wasn't something that he made a habit of let it happens sometimes... I find it rather amusing that when the situation is reversed and it is the man that falls asleep....women will beat him down on answers.....but when the woman falls is because she is tired....

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  • 8 years ago

    The obvious answer is try new positions.

    The less obvious is try new things. Send her flowers at work. Do the dishes after dinner. FLIRT

    Remember when you were dating. Give her (and yourself) something to look forward to.

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  • if you're from Michigan, then why the hell are you asking from "Y!A- Australia?"

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  • Anonymous
    8 years ago

    Ask a coworker :)

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