I can't stop thinking about suicide?

I'm a 25 year old college student studying anthropology at a state university. I've recently become disillusioned by the fact that my degree I'm pursuing will probably be fruitless when trying to enter the job market. I'm not doing bad in school but I'm not doing good either. I haven't made... show more I'm a 25 year old college student studying anthropology at a state university. I've recently become disillusioned by the fact that my degree I'm pursuing will probably be fruitless when trying to enter the job market. I'm not doing bad in school but I'm not doing good either. I haven't made any friends since attending school. I used to be pretty friendly and outgoing but depressed even in grade school. After highschool I joined the Navy and they placed me into a school to learn how to operate nuclear reactors for submarines. I did pretty poor in school and even worse in the prototype training. Even though I did so poorly in prototype training they pencil-whipped my qualifications and sent me to a fast attack submarine in Guam. On the submarine I was constantly yelled at for poor performance. I also never could sleep and would often hallucinate on watch. The guys on my crew could see I was mentally distraught and kept telling me not "to go sad". Eventually I cracked one day and cut my self and swallowed a bunch of sleeping pills. I didn't intend on killing myself but I knew it would get me off the submarine. They gave me the choice to stay in or get out so I opted out because I was always nervous when adressed by a higher ranking person. I got out of the Navy and got a job working on wind turbines. My doctor prescribed me adderall and then I started buying extra prescriptions and quit my job in what was pretty much an amphetamine psychosis. I stopped taking it and saw a variety of different doctors for depression but none of their drugs work. The other night I took 30 10/500 vicodins 60mg of clonazepam and 3000 mg of seroquil. It didn't have much affect other than make me sleep. I hate going to college but I'm trapped in my lease of my apartment. I know when I finish college there won't be any jobs available and I'll never be able to pay off my student debt or buy a house or start a family. I've never had a girlfriend and can hardly look other students on campus in the eye because I'm so ashamed of my history. I smoke pot but recently got put on probation for that. I sometimes but rarely use other drugs like LSD and shrooms and I usually am happy for a few weeks afterwards. I've been pretty much drug free for the 4 months except for the pill-salad I described earlier. I'm never happy and somewhat paranoid and angry. Most of the people that know me don't suspect anything because I can be pretty glib and humourous. Most people who know me knew me before I was in the in Navy would either describe me as a complete buffoon or a genius. Either way its not helping me socially and now I kind of come off as a creepy loner type. I have no desire to keep on living and my main preventative measures has been the thoughts of my family. Mostly how my mom would react because she is deeply Christian. I hold no religious beliefs myself and honestly the way I've been treated by Christians I wouldnt want to spend the afterlife with them and I dont believe in Hell. I have no meaning or place in life. I go to sleep hoping tommorrow will be better and wake up thinking I should of killed myself yesterday. It's no longer a matter of if I kill myself but when. I've never tried heroine but my ideal suicide would be an overdose of some narcotic. Otherwise I've got 9mm handy but thats not the way I want to go. I can't go to the hospital because they would just trap me there. I feel like I'd go even crazier without suicide being a viable option. I don't know what to do. If I do decide to to do it I'm doing it right. I wish my gun was a higher caliber because I would hate to end up in the hospital because I missed the brain stem. Any advice? This is an obsession and it is all I think about.
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