In love with my soul mate...who's already married...what should I do?

A few years ago...I would have laughed at this or perhaps not taken such a sentence seriously. I have experienced differently now.

I've known this other person since I was a boy and we were always just friends. Buddies. Connected but not a super-deep connection. I mean, she's gorgeous but I never looked at her like that. She has the much talked about "smile that could light up a room." And she's silly, goofy....fun. I went to this friend's wedding and was happy for her...I have pictures in one of my photo albums. We've stayed in loose contact over the years after she moved away but nothing that would suggest a deeper connection.

About 2 years ago we started emailing and chatting again. I was involved with someone at the time and my friend was still married. We talked, talked some more, emailed frequently....and something changed. I'm not sure what it was but it did. An frankly, on paper, I had the best girlfriend in the world. We had a lot of fights, but some good times as well and her family was (is) great. And yet...the missing piece I found in my longtime friend. It was more than a missing piece. It was almost like I had been living in a dimly lit room all of my life and was used to it and suddenly someone showed me the sun. Cheesy, right? I swear it to be true.

This was more than the standard getting reacquainted with someone. I know, I know...it's been said before. But all I can really say is that it was different. I've been in love before, had my heart crushed before...and it's surprisingly hard for someone who's supposed to be good with words to express this feeling, this connection. I was honestly a bit scared, and she admitted so was she. Where was this before in our lives? Did we have to go through everything else to get to this point?

But it's not all about us. She is not in a place to simply readjust her family. She's not that type of person. And I THOUGHT I was not the type of person to suggest such a thing. I broke up with my girlfriend at the time....it was horrible, but I was living a lie: I thought I loved her (girlfriend) but had never felt such a connection as I did with my old friend. Or anyone else. Ever.

In truth, I hesitate to use the phrase "soul mate" as it gets thrown about a lot and how on earth could I know such a thing? I've actually asked my friend if I should stop contacting her as it's making her life more complicated. It's very, very hard for me not to think of her and I swear I can feel her from my desk here. In fact, I don't really actively "think" of her but she's there in my heart.Yet she has a lot going on and I struggle with trying not to be selfish about this; she has her own things to deal with and I'm not helping the situation.

I actually haven't physically seen her in just about a year. I've dated other people since...but again, I honestly was thinking of her when I kissed a woman I was seeing. Could I be with someone else? I could...but it would be like the proverbial gay partner staying with their straight spouse because they love them as a person but not that deep, emotional, spiritual connection. Bad analogy, I know, but it's the best I can do.

Is it infatuation? Been there before and I don't think so. Could be. But for all of this time? And if I could only express the depth of this feeling....it's literally changed how I view the world.

I confessed to someone close to me about this and was shocked to learn it's something he's known for years. He asked me directly why my friend and I never got together as he's seen us interact before and could tell. He then told me another person who knows us both wondered the same thing. Have I been so blind?

This is going to sound selfish, but...she's not happy. Not truly. But who would change their family life just on a feeling? People could be seriously hurt. I know I should just leave her alone until she gets things sorted out but would you stop talking to the love of your life?

I don't know what to do.

Update:

HI!: Thank you for your supportive words. I don't see her as "mine" but I think we both feel something...new to both of us. Better late than never?

Mitt: In a way I hope I do. It's more than a bit melodramatic, isn't it? And I definitely have written better than this.

sheloves_dablues: I would have agreed with you not that long ago, but I'd be curious to know how many people feel they've truly married their "soulmate"

Eric L: I have no illusions that things would be "perfect." I've made plenty of mistakes (maybe putting this all out there is one of them?) and have more than one flaw as far as I can tell. Where there's a will there's a way, but at this point, you're right: I have nothing real to base it on other than having known her over 2 decades

bruce d: You have me cracking up at my desk. It is silly, isn't it? And for the record, I never really watched Oprah

They Don't Like Me: Sometimes there are o

Update 2:

They Don't Like Me: Sometimes there are other things that need to be taken into consideration. Believe me, I know too many people who've been divorced and moved on: family, friends, etc. But I wouldn't want her to get divorced just for me if that makes any sense to you.

6 Answers

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  • 7 years ago
    Best answer

    You sound like a silly woman. Man up, there's millions of 'em out there.

    There's no such thing as a soulmate and you should wash your mouth out with soap.

    And quit watching Oprah.

  • Anonymous
    7 years ago

    Understand. Although I do not want to,as soul connections run very deep,and they do not occur regularly although people like to say that they do. Your right the term gets thrown around alot. But the reason soul connections are very rare and do not usually come into a life time as they extend way past here,hard to put into words. When they do show up,it is because one of the two,is in deep trouble and the connection between these two must find the other,come through anyway it can the love is that deep. As well can cause great pain,as the two were meant to complete something now,without the other But cannot resist coming to,yes the love of all time,a braided pair they only really know happiness when connected to the other,they usually end up alone,completing there path best they can. Very hard life time. Some do not even make it through,all the whys and hows are deep,best I can really put out there for you,and to answer how do you stop talking,you cannot....

  • HI!
    Lv 4
    7 years ago

    Normally I would not say this or condone this in any shape or form, but you yourself said she is truly not happy, and from what you wrote here, it is not infatuation....it is much deeper than that. Infatuation is a feeling that goes away as quickly as it comes. You have known her for years, you two have been good friends, and still are in contact with one another even though you don't see her physically. Very few people actually get to experience what you are feeling, and fewer yet get to be with that one special person because fear gets in the way. When you marry someone, that couple is suppose to be truly happy. Yeah, they will have their ups and downs, but at the end of the night when they are laying next to each other in bed, they should be thinking that I am so greatful and happy that we get to spend the rest of our lives together!! I say, keep talking with her, stay close with her, be there when she needs you to be, show he what life will be like with you and how you can make her truly happy. Life is too short to sit back and watch someone be with the one you truly love....especially when that other person is not making the other happy. People often lose out in life due to fear. Don't go to the grave always regretting not going after what you know should be your life partner. Fight for what is yours. It is impossible to break up something that is already broken. Good luck!

  • Eric L
    Lv 5
    7 years ago

    You grow up and move on. Its always easy to fantasize about how wonderful it would be with ____. the thing to remember is that it is just fantasy, nothing more. if she was single and you started dating her, you'd start seeing all the flaws laid out one by one and be starting to look at other people again.

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  • 7 years ago

    If she really wanted to be with you, she would get a divorce and be with you.

    There is nothing to do until she gets a divorce.

  • Clint
    Lv 4
    7 years ago

    In a few years you'll read this drivel and laugh again. Move on.

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