I posed online to chat to girls while i had a girlfriend. What is wrong with me?

It started 3 years ago when i was with my first serious girlfriend, we'd been together almost 1 Year & 6 months and had been living together for around 6 months. April 2010 i created a fake facebook account, using photos i'd found on another website. I already had very low self esteem and when i was 13/14 i... show more It started 3 years ago when i was with my first serious girlfriend, we'd been together almost 1 Year & 6 months and had been living together for around 6 months. April 2010 i created a fake facebook account, using photos i'd found on another website. I already had very low self esteem and when i was 13/14 i used to self harm although not in a big way or for very long. Me & my gf were having serious arguements and problems and it felt like an escape from my real life almost. Me & gf split up in July 2010 and i continued chatting to these girls on facebook most nights of the week.
I then went on a date with (I'll call her miss X) in december 2010 after a work party and i totally fell for her. She was beautiful, funny, amazing. I felt like she 'got' me and that i 'got' her. I didn't feel i needed these other girls in my 'other' life so i stopped. We had the most amazing relationship and i got butterflies everytime i saw her. Then we began having problems around a year later and although i felt very guilty, i logged back into the facebook account and began chatting again. This then went on for a year. I would chat with these girls most nights but the worst thing was while chatted with them, i'd then be texting my girlfriend at the very same time. It was almost like i could disconnect from any emotion and just block out the guilt. Fair to say these talks involved rude chats and a few rude pictures here & there. Miss X then found out after i text her instead of messaging one of the girls on facebook! I tried to lie my way out of it but the next day she dug deeper and discovered more and the lies all came tumbling down. Clearly we have now split up, she can't trust a word i say or believe that i ever did love her and says shes wasted the last year with a lying cheat. But she also says she still does love me and wants me to get help if there is anything wrong with me and that she doesn't feel ready for zero contact just yet. I really did love her and still do. I have had my first counselling session and the Counsellor said it seems like i have an addictive personality, hence my almost compulsion to keep logging in and checking what the girls were saying etc. and that i seem to have Psycho-Sexual disorder, which sounds scary!
I've since deleted the account in front of Miss X and any messengers i had to chat to people.
I'm now on a waiting list to see the specialist counsellor in PSD.
Suppose i'm just wondering if anybody else has experienced the same thing or knows of something similar?
1 answer 1