If the queen ruled the USA?
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth IIIn light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
effect:-----------------------1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').------------------------2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' -------------------3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ----------------------6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. --------------------7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Piss, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. ---------------------11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty bloody seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of poofters).
---------------------12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
- CliveLv 77 years agoFavorite Answer
Well done for reposting something that has been going round the Internet for years and remains funny because there's so much truth in it. I feel sorry for all those answerers who didn't notice that. What fun to see them fall for it.
You might like to know that the Oxford English Dictionary states that the suffix -ize is correct, though of course every true English person totally ignores this as not even the OED has authority over the English language. But then, nobody does.
- keelingLv 43 years ago
The Treaty of Tripoli, in 1796, replaced into reviewed by technique of George Washington, signed by technique of John Adams and ratified by technique of the finished Congress reported in paragraph 12, "because of the fact the government of america of a isn't, in any experience, based on the Christian faith." Please do not confuse the recommendations of the founders to the activities that have transpired whilst they have been long previous. The founders have been specifically deists with some atheists sprinkled around. They knew the risks of incorporating faith into the government. I actual have not something against a flesh presser that believes in a god, yet he greater suitable not attempt to tension that thought on the individuals. in basic terms 7% of the colonists in 1776 attended a church, so do not assume what those people meant. i be conscious of Christians on right here latch on the using author interior the assertion of Independence, yet Jefferson's author replaced into not the god maximum Christians think of of. He believed in an suitable author that had not something to do with daily existence.
- jotacarLv 77 years ago
Excuse me. Elizabeth II doesn't *rule* anything.
She's a "constitutional monarch", with no political power at all.
Prime Minister Cameron with support from the Liberal Democratic Party, runs
the United Kingdom.
The Queen reads a speech, when Parliament opens, but it is written for her
by Cameron's people.
It's a better system than the American one, where the president is also the
head of state. Half the people hate his guts, when he represents them on
Veterans' Day. They must feel great despising the man who is thanking
the nation's veterans for their service to their country.
- Anonymous7 years ago
The Queen doesn't even rule England.
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- CephalopodLv 77 years ago
You do know that plagiarism is a crime, don't you?!
This is quite old (atleast 10 years to my knowledge) and you do know there's a a well known rebuttal!
Oddly enough the cucumber question was atleast your own!! I hope.
- WUtangkarateLv 57 years ago
The queen my patriotism won't even let my mind pretend she does
- qwertLv 77 years ago
The queen can't even change her own diaper anymore.
- usfirstgovLv 67 years ago
I read it all and strangely, it is funny and makes sense.
- wrfineLv 77 years ago
We Would Be In Deep Chit!!!