Damaged soul? Can i love?

so i'll try to keep this as short as possible. i was molested when i was 9 (something i never got to tell my parents), my parents died when i was 13 and 14…before that i had lost a little sister i hadn't even met. And after that lost a brother same time as dad, lost a close grandmother when i was 11 as if... show more so i'll try to keep this as short as possible. i was molested when i was 9 (something i never got to tell my parents), my parents died when i was 13 and 14…before that i had lost a little sister i hadn't even met. And after that lost a brother same time as dad, lost a close grandmother when i was 11 as if that wasn't enough, i lost two brothers when i was 19 and a good stepmother when i was 20, two close family friends when i was 23… i'm now 28 and have lost at least 10 close people by this age. I don't even know what it feels like to have parents and sometimes i watch grown ppl being mean to their parents and i only wish i had one last time to tell mine that i loved them. I don't think i have ever had time to grieve b'se ppl in my family were dying back to back. Fantasy world is my escape and i try not to deal, i taught myself not to "feel" long time ago as a shield to protect my heart but now it's working against me b'se i don't seem to be all there when i get into relationships. I'm always the first to leave when and if i sense i'm gonna get hurt and i know this is not good for me but i don't know how to overcome it. I want to have a normal relationship but i always feel like i'll lose that person so i don't put all my heart in it. i thought i was finally in love when i met this guy who i told everything about my childhood (that i never talk about with anyone), i opened my heart to him but in the end he hurt me, i thought i was finally in love but if ppl who claim they love you end up hurting you then what is love? Will i ever love or am i destined to be alone?