I have been struggling with religion, how can Christianity preach about being kind to one another but yet there are so much judgment?

Update: I was baptized Catholic, but struggled with the fact it took two priests to baptize me because the first one denied me because I was "out of wedlock". I grew up believing how good God is, but yet I have nothing but misery in my life and I just never see an end of tunnel to my misery. My grandfather, who... show more I was baptized Catholic, but struggled with the fact it took two priests to baptize me because the first one denied me because I was "out of wedlock". I grew up believing how good God is, but yet I have nothing but misery in my life and I just never see an end of tunnel to my misery. My grandfather, who loved God, was made to suffer in the last year and a half of his life. I just feel so lost and confused to the point I have been exploring other options and I can't believe God would be hateful.
Update 2: I had a family member who committed suicide and I was raised to believe that if you do such a thing you go to Hell. This person was also a good person who was also very sick and I just have a hard time believing that God would punish someone that was sick. I don't understand how God can come across as... show more I had a family member who committed suicide and I was raised to believe that if you do such a thing you go to Hell. This person was also a good person who was also very sick and I just have a hard time believing that God would punish someone that was sick. I don't understand how God can come across as vindictive and cruel but we all have to trust him.
Update 3: I'm not an atheist, I believe, I just have questions on what the bible preaches, how I was raised to believe, and what I have learned with life.
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