Two things stand out for me in my reading, take them for what they're worth...
1) A bit of contamination from the world of advertisement. The fact that poetry is often written in short sentences doesn't mean that you can write slogans. "The damage has been done" and "Here I stand" sound like slogans to me. Beware of "jingle" phrasings like that. Too easy on the ear but without enough content. You starve my attention. (In contrast, think for example in this verse from Captain Beefeheart: "She's too much for my mirror". A few simple, everyday words, and yet, so much connotations!)
2) All the elements are too vague, too generic. A pinch of contrast is required somewhere. "The storm" can mean anything. A tree tells its experience but there's no surprise, no "hook" there for the reader, it just does what trees are supposed to do. A great thing is that you have attention to detail and use concrete elements (the branches, the fruits...); that's essential, and a lot of poets have a problem with that. But I as a reader miss some kind of emotional connection with what you tell. Everything is described in a too neutral tone. We don't know if the speaking voice is happy of having survived the storm, if surviving the storm is just "business as usual" for a tree, if storms come often or this one was unexpected... We also don't know how long until spring comes again, (for example, if you say "I know spring will come again one day", or "I want to get to live one more spring", or "spring awaits somewhere" or "now the long wait until spring comes", suddenly you're introducing elements like the passing of time, speaking of hope... human emotions that the reader can relate to).
Criticizing is very easy and writing is very hard, this is just what was in my mind.
And don't demean yourself, you're on your way, like I say you have very promising qualities (when I've tried to write poetry it comes out abstract and twisted, I don't have your observation qualities). I just think the text needs more development. Saying your writing "is trash" is like saying that the egg is "trash" for not being an eagle yet :)
· 1 month ago