How can I improve my relationship with my mother?
This is pretty heavy, but I thought I would throw it out there on yahoo since nothing seems to be working. I have spoken with my school counsellor etc
I'm 16 & when I was 10, my stepfather started molesting & raping me. It was reported to the police & it went to trial & he was convicted. During the trial and after I went to live with my grandmother however she has since passed & I am back with mom.
Our relationship has always been strained. I always thought it was because she felt guilt, but I was so wrong. I asked her if we could talk about what happened properly now that I am a bit older and because we have never talked about it. She refused but after I persisted she ended up losing her temper & told me that she blamed me for ruining her life by reporting it, that she loved him & she has never been with anyone since. I was totally shocked and tried to explain that we are both victims of his actions but she said she just wants me to leave and she can't stand to look at me.
This happened two weeks ago and we have barely spoken a word since. I thought maybe she would calm down and apologise but she just scowls at me. I don't know what to do. I have no other family. My father isn't a part of our lives, no grandparents are alive, no cousins/aunts/uncles etc. Apart from feeling like I really want family, it hurts so much that something I am still traumatised by and trying to work through is something my mom blames me for. I just feel lost and need advice.
- ZLv 55 months agoBest answer
I'm actually not surprised about your mum's behaviour. Many psychologists will tell you that when child sexual abuse takes place in a family, it is always with the accomplice of the mother (whether through willful blindness or active encouragement). You will usually find a mother who is weak and ineffectual in the picture, and she is too weak to confront the man out of fear of losing him, so she sacrifices her daughter in order to hold on to the man.
You did nothing wrong my dear, and you should never apologize or feel guilty for reporting him. That was the best thing you could have done for yourself in this life. I am 100% sure that if you had consulted your mother before reporting, she would have turned around and blamed you. She would have shown you her enmity openly as she is showing it to you now. She is a loser who doesn't believe that she can get a man to love her, her low self-esteem is so bad that she is willing to stay with a man who would sexually molest her daugther. It is not your fault that your mum is weak and selfish, it is also not your fault that she can't get a date. It's probably because she has no sense of dignity and pride that she can't get any man to be with her. If she was loving and protective of her own, she would stand a better chance of getting love in this world.
There are many people who never had a loving mum or dad, some grew up with no family at all. But all this doesn't matter, we were never meant to be together with our family forever, at a point we have to strike out on our own. And the sooner this happens the better, those who find independence early and are able to stand on their own two feet without the support of family have a better chance of making it in the real world. So don't feel daunted by the challenges that this life has brought you. It will make you stronger and a more capable individual.
You are not your mum, and you are no longer a victim (and will never be again). Your mum can continue to be who she is and she can continue to play the victim, that's her choice. Even if she loved you once when you were a child, it's obvious that she doesn't have any capacity for love now. Accept that she doesn't love you and learn to give yourself the love and care that you need. If you continue to look for love outside of yourself, you might end up like your mother (a woman so needy of love that she is willing to turn a blind eye to a man molesting her children). It is no wonder that child abuse can run in a family for generations: a girl is molested because her mother fails to protect her as a mother should. She grows up to be needy of love and the protection of a family, so when she finds a man who can provide this she clings to him for dear life. She ends up becoming like her mother (selfish and ineffectual) and lets him molest her children for the fear of losing his love and protection. Her children grow up without love and protection, and the same thing happens generation after generation. But you need to put a stop to the circle of abuse NOW. You need to conquer the longing for love and family that you feel, before it turns you into a slave. Take control of your life and severe all links to the people who don't serve you well anymore. You will find like-minded people who will become your family. Richard Bach once said "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life".
- PearlLv 75 months ago
you could try talking to sorneone in cps about it and see if they will put you elsewhere
- Anonymous5 months ago
Ok, so you have a pathetic excuse, for a mother. I am sorry, for what happened to you, but the past is the past. All that matters is the present, and future.
I think it would be harder, for you since you were not born in a decent, or good family, but it wouldn't be impossible, for you to get your life together if this is something that you want.
I realize a lot of 10 year olds are not smart, so you just continued being the way you are, and years have passed by, for you.
Doing whatever it takes to succeed in life isn't easy. Work has to be done to succeed unless if you want to become a ho, or starve. I think this is a choice you have to make by yourself.
Instead of concerning yourself about a human being who is worth less than a pile of s/h/i/t try to prepare yourself, for the real world.
Are you going to school?
I didn't read anything about school, and how well you are doing.Source(s): I am a male.
- Anonymous5 months ago
She will need to go through therapy. You can begin therapy too, for all the things you identified. None of this is your fault. You did the right thing. Start with a school authority (counselor, principal) and tell them what your mother has said, your whole situation, your goals. If they don't know who to go to next, try again. Tell them more. Make them understand. They are mandated reporters, and you are being neglected.
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- martinLv 75 months ago
As the saying goes, this too shall pass. Your mom apparently has mental illness and is in need of psychotherapy. No one's perfect and no life is perfect. Putting up with your mom is the down side of your life at present, but soon you'll be able to leave home. Don't stop loving your mom, but instead just get through this tough time of your life, perhaps seeking a good counselor yourself.
- gLv 75 months ago
This isn't something you can do alone - she's the adult, the parent who should have been in your corner. Yes she's disappointed, but I'm betting her disappointment is in HIM and her own poor judgment. Some feel that anyone is better than no one, no matter how pathetic and criminal that partner is. She needs to address that for herself - blaming you makes no sense to me.
How long before you graduate high school? Can you become an emancipated minor? Go ahead and look into grants and scholarships for college or technical school, so you can plan for your future. Like many others, sounds like you're going to have to do that on your own - and it CAN be done. I'd do everything I could to remove myself from her now and as soon as I could move out.
I'm sorry it's this way with your mother, even more sorry that she won't step up for you.
- Emily JLv 75 months ago
I am very sorry for what happened to you, first off it was not your fault, no matter what your mother or anyone else says, he was an adult and you were a child and whatever happened was done by him. Don't know if you are in therapy but that would probably be a good start, probably start with the school counselor since it seems your mother does not want to help you. Think you mother is a lost cause, she blames you and will not change that, do the best you can in school and move out as soon as possible and get away from her. She will probably start to miss you at some point and hopefully things will get better from there, but it will take a long time. Work on yourself and moving through dealing with this in the healthiest way possible. I love you and will pray for you.
- Anonymous5 months ago
Omg. The other answer is stupid. I feel really bad about your situation. It is NOT your fault. It is horrible that your mother blames you when looking out for your safety and wellbeing should be her #1 concern as a parent. You need to be strong and realize that you did nothing wrong and you need to take care of yourself if there is no one to support you.
- Anonymous5 months ago
The first thing you need to do is stop thinking of yourself as a victim and feeling self pity. Try to think about it from your mom's perspective. She had her life turned upside down and she lost the love of her life because of what you did. Of course you had to report it, but it would have been better to have talked to her first to see if you could have sorted it out as a family, but instead the entire trial would have totally traumatised her. I would suggest telling her you are very sorry and want for her to be happy and encourage her to go out and meet new people. But just remember that she is as much a victim as you, and blaming her because you feel sad is childish. We all have to grow up and realise our parents are human too.