Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 5 months ago

Marriage questions?

We have been together two years, live together and have a dog. We moved fast. We are happy and everything. I’m 22 and he’s 32. He just told me last night that he doesn’t see the point of marriage in the legal way. He says that he thinks it’s a way to hurt guys financially which I don’t really see but I do understand that when you marry you take on the other persons debt and their last name. Which I agree. He brought up my parents cuz my mom didn’t take my dad’s last night when they got married because of debt my dad had from years before but are good now and still hasn’t. But she doesn’t recognize that As not being married. She is legally married but didn’t take my dad’s name which is fine. so it made it sound like he didn’t want to get married and he said “what’s wrong with just being with the person you love and being happy with each other” I understand that point too but every girl dreams of her wedding day, the perfect man, the perfect ring... I don’t think I care about the legality of it though because I think marriage is really the celebration of your love and the recognition of continuing to build your life. Am I wrong to think this all? Is it wrong to tell him that I don’t want to date him forever that I would like to become his wife one day and give each other rings as the symbol of our love. And have a beautiful ceremony. It doesn’t need to be a legal marriage because that to me is not the reason to be married , but I want to celebrate our love one day.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    None of this guy's MGTOW/antiquated notions really matter as it sounds like he's not willing to marry you. Debt is hardly the only reason some women don't change their names upon marriage. Women with professional careers have name recognition in their fields and sudden name changes can damage their livelihoods. But in your case, it's probably time to realize that this man isn't willing to make a commitment to you (not that you're even old enough at this point to make that kind of commitment). He likes having a much younger girlfriend and has no intention of taking things any further. Stay with him if you like, just don't have delusions that you're building anything permanent. Because he's certainly not.

  • 5 months ago

    Sounds like you both want different things. There are many benefits to being married as opposed to just living together. People tend to take marriage bonds more seriously. When someone doesn't want to legally Marry it can be for many reasons but often they just don't want the commitment. They want all the perks with the wiggle room of hey if I'm not happy one day I'll just leave. So definitely talk and see what you both want. What is your end goal. Why do you want to live together? What are you looking to get out of the relationship... That sort of stuff. Here's an article that might help.... https://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/g2004...

    Hope this helps. That site has many articles on marriage that have helped many people.

  • 5 months ago

    Don't get pregnant with a man who does not want to marry you. Getting a dog together has zero to do with building a marriage (even one that isn't legalized). It's also no real sign as to how you two would react to and deal with a child. Honest. Not a practice run.

    I suggest you chill on this until you are 24 or 25 and find out whether or not the two of you are even still together. You are in a very formative part of your life. However, your mind, scientifically proven, will not emotionally mature until you are at least 25 years of age. And you may very well feel differently about this man when you are 25 and he is 35 and still unwilling to "commit" to you in a meaningful way.

    BTW, when you wed, you do NOT take on your spouses previous debts. No matter what name you take or don't take. Previous debts remain the obligation of the person who incurred them. Married couples are held responsible for many debts incurred DURING the course of the marriage though.. and even then, not all of them! If my husband went out tomorrow and bought a home in his own name, on his sole credit, and he passed away.... I might own the the accrued value minus the debt load.. but if I wanted to keep that house, I'd have to qualify for the balance of the loan. I'd not inherit the debt... I'd just not own that which wasn't mine.

  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    End this relationship now. Both of you are on different train tracks. He doesn't want to marry you but he just wants to live with you - likely he will end up cheating on you at some time because he's not really committed to marriage.

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  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    There is so much wrong here it's scary. All of this proves why moving fast in a relationship is risky. How did you end up moving in with someone when you hadn't discussed the biggest relationship issue of all?!?

    There are all sorts of reasons why marriage offers certain protections, in addition to being the biggest commitment 2 people can make to each other. Most of us do want it. But most of us make sure our partner does before taking major relationship steps.

    A lot of what you mentioned is complicating the issue. If you definitely want to marry him, and he says it will never happen, then there's no reason for you to be with him. Also, that idea of throwing a wedding without being married is flat out insane. You will not find a definition of the word "wedding" that says it's a party where a single woman pretends to be a bride.

  • 5 months ago

    Your mom not taking your dad's name has nothing to do with debt. If they're legally married then she assumes his debt, no matter what name she takes.

    It's fine if someone decides marriage just isn't for them. But if your BF's reasoning is that marriage was designed as a way for women to screw over men ... he sounds like a misogynist who is just looking for commitment-free sex from you.

    And you would be a dope to stage a big fake wedding if you're not actually getting married. If you dress up like a bride when you're actually a bride then you're just going to look like a fool. Do it if you want, I guess, but there's no point to it other than to distract yourself from your shiiitty partner with a dumb party.

    • Jerry
      Lv 6
      5 months agoReport

      Harsh but excellent. Thumbs up.

  • 5 months ago

    Of course its not wrong to want those things. Its been 2 years, which is a fairly long time but you still might get him to change his mind if you tell him that you want to get married some day to someone, its just something you want to do.

    If you put all this before him but he flat out refuses to get married, just doesn't think its a good idea then you better take him at his word (he could still change his mind someday but don't count on it) and so you need to accept that you probably won't get married to him ever.

    So, stay with him anyhow if that's what you want to do or move on and find someone not adverse to marriage if you really need marriage.

  • 5 months ago

    move on............

  • Anonymous
    5 months ago

    I'm a woman and I used to think like him. I'm like "marriage is a piece of paper. Why can't we live together, have kids together and love each other?" That's how I thought until I met my fiance. He changed all that for me. We'll be getting married next fall and I'm excited. As Mikey said, it definitely seems like you want to get married and he does not. He likely never will change his mind, but that's only because he's not the right guy for you. I guess it's good you know now than to expect a marriage proposal eventually. Now that you know, you may want to end things with him.

  • Mikey
    Lv 7
    5 months ago

    It seems he doesn't want to get married and you do. You might want to find someone who has the same goals in life.

    • Mikey
      Lv 7
      5 months agoReport

      Its really just cutting through all the BS. Very often people don't want to admit they are going in different directions.

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