My fiance wants to invite her ex-husband, his current wife, and his sister to our wedding, but I thinks it's inappropriate?
My fiance and I have been together for about 3 years. I've never been married (I am 36), but she has (2012-2013) and has a 6 year old son. We were working on our guest list the last night and she added her ex-husband and ex-sister-in-law to our guest list. Their marriage was rocky from the start and there were issues with drug abuse, domestic violence, legal trouble, and infidelity. 6 years later and he is re-married and drug-free, and she is friends with his current wife. My fiance and her ex are civil but I wouldn't say friendly. I am not concerned with her cheating on me with him. I feel like it's weird and inappropriate to invite her ex-husband and his sister and that it makes me uncomfortable. She said "Yeah, well, they're family, so they're coming". No, they're not family. Not my family and no longer her family. And the way she blew me off shows a total disregard for my feelings/opinion. That hurt a little and has been weighing heavily on my mind. And there's a double standard. Earlier yesterday she strongly questioned inviting my friend Steve and his wife Heather because she knows Heather and I had a short-term fling just after high school...18 years ago. I want to talk about it with her but I know it's just gonna end up in a fight...and that has me questioning if we are really ready to be married. I don't know what to do or what to think. My anxiety is sky-high and I didn't sleep well. Am I worried about nothing? Does anyone have suggestions?
- 5 months ago
I know plenty of couples who have remained friends after a divorce, and I know women who are civil or even friendly towards their ex's current wife, but how many divorced women do you know who suffered abuse and are still best friends with the ex's current wife and sister? It's an odd situation to say the least. The drug abuse was all him (meth), the domestic violence was him (choked her out on several occasions, police were involved), the legal trouble was all him (arrested numerous times, including drug raids at their house the day after she got home from delivering their child), and the infidelity was both of them. He was sleeping with the "nanny" meth-head friend that he moved into their spare bedroom (and knocked her up) and she slept with one of his friends. I would be more than willing to go to therapy, but financially I just don't have the money. When I said it would end up in a fight, she's a typical liberal millennial...she wants your opinion (on anything) until it doesn't sync with hers, and then she gets mad. I am still dealing with the wedding issue. She agreed not to invite the ex-husband, but as of last night she tells me at dinner that she wants his sister and current wife IN THE WEDDING PARTY. She wants the current wife to be her maid of honor! Really?!? She got angry when I told her it made me ridiculously uncomfortable and I feel like it is highly inappropriate. "I don't give a **** if anyone else thinks it's inappropriate!"
I told her I'm not "anyone else", I'm the man you're marrying. Not to sound old-fashioned or patriarchal, but as your husband, or in this case, future husband, my opinion should matter to you more than anyone else's in the world! I asked her to put herself in my position. Here's a little background on that: I dated a woman named Grace about 14 years ago. We didn't date for very long and we realized we were better as friends than as a couple. We ended our relationship amicably, and have remained quasi-friends. I don't go out of my way to see her, talk to her, or hang out with her, but we run in the same social circles, so we do run into each other from time to time. When we do see each other, we catch up. Fast forward to 2018. My fiance and I walked/jogged fairly often. We would go to a certain neighborhood because it had almost no traffic. One day we ran into Grace, she had just moved into that neighborhood. Over the next few weeks, we would occasionally run into her working in her garden or playing with her kids in the yard. Next thing you know, my fiance REFUSES to go back to that neighborhood. She says seeing and chatting with Grace makes her uncomfortable. Now back to our wedding discussion last night at dinner... I asked her to put herself in my shoes.
What if I asked Grace to be my "Best Man"? Or even if I asked Grace's husband to be my "Best Man"? How would that make her feel? She tells me she would "be perfectly fine with that". Bullshit. She refused to even walk the neighborhood that Grace lived in. And by the way, my ex Grace was never even on the "long" guest list, let alone on the "short" list and I would NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS consider having Grace or any of my other ex's IN MY WEDDING. All this has been rolling around in my head, and I'm really starting to feel like my fiance is not really over her ex or their marriage, and that I'm just a substitute, a stand-in for him. I'm starting to wonder if she became best friends with his current wife because she's trying to re-live her marriage vicariously through the current wife. I lost a lot of sleep last night and spent the morning thinking about it and I am seriously considering postponing the wedding or even cancelling it altogether. She's obviously not ready to get married again and I want a wife that loves and supports me, not her ex.
- TaraLv 76 months ago
It IS weird and inappropriate (and doing you wrong).
Tell her they are NOT your family .
You might as well start right now telling her - because it sounds like she does not care what she does to you … soooo that being said - tell her that she is NOT considering your feelings at YOUR own wedding -- that you find it weird / inappropriate for all HER EX's to be there … and you don't want to be standing at the wedding alter feeling uncomfortable at your own wedding … tell her that she has already hurt you over this.
You - don't avoid the fight with her --- she needs to hear this .. tell her exactly how you feel - spare no words .. don't let this go .. if you do she will continue to run all over you after marriage.
Tell her .. for your part of the wedding .. that her EX husband is not invited .
Mean it … stick to it … no matter how big of a fit she throws.
- GoodLv 66 months ago
>> She said "Yeah, well, they're family, so they're coming
>> And the way she blew me off shows a total disregard for my feelings/opinion.
Brother, this is just the tip of the iceberg. You haven't seen anything yet.
>> And there's a double standard. Earlier yesterday she strongly questioned inviting my friend Steve and his wife Heather because she knows Heather and I had a short-term fling just after high school...18 years ago. I want to talk about it with her but I know it's just gonna end up in a fight.
Another Red flag!!
So, you can't really have a discussion with her without her getting all twisted
out of shape, can you? Think about it. Seriously. Think about it.
Is there actually anything in the relationship you have a say about?
Or, do you just go along with everything she throws out there because
she has sex with you and you don't want to ruin that?
Too many men seem to just cut their own balls off and hand them over
rather than stand up and think about what they are really getting into
with certain women.
- YKhanLv 76 months ago
You have not been married yet, and you have not had kids yet, that's why you are puzzled by this. But once you have been married before and have kids from that previous marriage, you need to be on good terms with your exes, for the sake of your kids. So I would say don't make an issue of this, you have nothing to be jealous of about her exe and his family.
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- FoofaLv 76 months ago
These people are HER family by virtue of the child she's coparenting with her ex. However, if she's excising people from your romantic past that's not really fair. I humbly suggest that you two aren't quite to the point yet where you should be getting married.
- mmmLv 76 months ago
I don't see an issue inviting her sister and law and friend. The ex?she should be considering your feelings. Now she has a child by him. And is friends with the current wife for the child sake. Maybe you should think about that for a moment. If your not worried about them together...maybe just maybe put your personal feelings aside ...especially if he isn't a jerk to you or her ...what he did in the past....is the past....how you handle this one...is your future.
- digimuttLv 76 months ago
there is a child involved and that will link her to that exs family forever Get over it and over yourself. It is just a few hours in one day. It is not like you are never going to have any contact with these people Grow up
- Anonymous6 months ago
If you both can’t agree on your wedding guest list then in no way are you both ready for a marriage. They’ll be next on your Christmas do guest list every year birthdays etc so your best bet is to nip this in the bud now. She’s probably just being friendly and genuinely wants to share her happiness with them who were a important part of her past but she needs to respect your feelings and just avoid trying to be too nice and play happy family when it’s clearly going to be awkward as hell. I bet you the exhusband and sis in law probably think it’s weird awkward and just an act too. If she doesn’t agree postpone the wedding. It’s better you fall out now then 2 years into your marriage.
- Anonymous6 months ago
"I want to talk about it with her but I know it's just gonna end up in a fight"
Here's where you just proved you and she are nowhere near ready to be planning a wedding. This is supposed to be the most exciting time of your life, and if you can't find compromise on a guest list without fighting, this is a pretty big red flag. Also, I agree with you her dismissal of your opinion was pretty ugly. When you mention all those issues in her 1st marriage, are you sure her husband was the only one at fault? Some couples do remain friendly after a divorce, but this NEVER includes a victim of violence. So I wonder what really happened.
Anyway, I think you need to take a little time and seriously reflect if this is the person you want to spend your life with. If you want kids, think much harder, because you're evaluating both a wife and a mom. If you decide you want to stick with this, I suggest you talk to her, postpone the wedding and get some couples counseling. Most problems are rooted in bad communication & fixing this can work wonders. But...it can also reveal serious relationship flaws that mean the marriage shouldn't happen.
If she won't do this, I wouldn't marry her. It's not because of that one comment. It's because you don't sound like a couple able to face the ups and downs of marriage.
- dripLv 76 months ago
With a six year old son between them, they will always be a part of your life with her. I think it would show a world of good for their son to see them getting along and celebrating your marriage together.
Not knowing the wife of a friend you want to invite is not an excuse for not inviting her to the wedding. Not being able to discuss these things is not a good sign
Sounds like some counseling before the wedding is due. Put wedding plans on hold.