Advice for dealing with a toxic/negative parent?
My dad doesn't get a long with my mom so he makes sure to constantly talk bad about her to me and my brother. He is so negative and is disrespectful. He is never happy for my accomplishments and makes everything about himself. He's miserable so he wants everyone around him to be miserable as well. I can't stand him. Please give me some reasonable advice and don't just say "move out" because I'm only 19, I'm in college, and work a minimum wage job.
- Anonymous12 months agoFavourite answer
Just get out of the house as much as possible. Walk the dog. Walk or jog round the park. Fill your mind with other stuff. Read or listen to music. When he's obnoxious don't get involved. You ain't gonna change him. Just have a mantra to say in your head like 'I am studying hard and someday I will move' or ' I feel sorry for you. You can't help being a ******' don't say it aloud. Things will get better. A lot of us have gone through it and come out the other side. You will find peace. Hugs xxx
- kimLv 712 months ago
My brothers hated on their faternal parent. I found his life sad and let God handle it. So yea I didnt get tied down in all that ego trip. I listened to him because I wanted to understand a glimpse how and why. Occasionally I would Express myself in the anguish of his bad behavior but he had many vices and did not live long. I'm glad that I did not x him out. I went all the way, as I do with a wayward child of which I also have. Life is not a tv show where everything works out. Life is a place where you do your best and when theres not any good choices, you can choose to still love even if it's just staying around.
- 12 months ago
OK, first of all, I am really sorry for your pain. It must not be easy to live in a home where the most important people in your life are not at peace. Second, I agree with you, the solution is not to move out, not because of your condition (age, education and salary that you mentioned), but simply because it will not fix anything. Third, you are aiming for a burden that you cannot solve. Now, as a person who has seen the damages of this kind of situation, I want to remind you that everything that is going on is not your fault. You might see yourself as a sparkle in that devastating fire that is your father's attitude, and in that case it is in no way your fault.
People make their own happiness, and all your father is expressing is the unhappiness. I would suggest you to talk with him in good times. Try to see what are good times in his mind and what he likes to do. Also, try to figure out what he would have loved to do or accomplish, because most of the time, this kind of attitude from us men comes from an accomplishment that we missed or something that we see as broken all the time. It is mainly a communication's problem. Whenever he talks, get passed the anger and the vulgarity and the vocabulary because that's where his level of attack is right now. If you show him that you are passed that, then most likely he will be willing to open himself to you. If he loves you, he definitely will.
- Dr. StephanieLv 712 months ago
So , you don't want to move out, for pretty good reasons, too, but you can't stand being around him. You have to CHOOSE . You pays your money and you takes your choice. Either you find a way to avoid him as much as possible, like staying at school and studying in the library, working part time, etc.; or, you table your other priorities and make it your topmost one to become independent and live elsewhere. If you have an unpleasant encounter with him, you can choose to say "I won't stand here and let you talk (treat) me this way, and walk away. Refuse to engage, answer, etc.
Apparently, your current choice is to put staying in college ahead of moving out, which is legitimate. Only you can make such a choice. There are alternatives, however: loans and scholarships, joining the military and having them pay for your education in return; becoming a live in nanny in exchange for room and board, room mates, etc. Good luck, good wishes, you can look forward to greater freedom now or in the future, depending upon the choices you make.
- What do you think of the answers? You can sign in to give your opinion on the answer.
- Anonymous12 months ago
Move out for the meantime and live with a college roommate.
- Coach SimonLv 712 months ago
Is it possible that his own father was this way when he was around the age you are now? In a quiet period take him back to when he was then and how he felt when treated unkindly by his parents. Do this sincerely with genuine interest - probably best not during an argument. That said, it might perhaps be effective when emotions are high. It is usually better to ask questions than to say things.
- 12 months ago
Danng! Our dad's were cut from the same cloth. On father's day, I have to make my own cards thanking him for keeping me alive up to 18 because he was pretty horrible everywhere else. Parents letting their kids live with them after 18 is noble and should be appreciated but that doesn't mean bad dysfunctional family nonsense is okay.
Find other ways to cope that don't have you in that environment. For me, I spent time outside of the house as much as possible. Go to a friend's house, go to the bookstore (Border's was my place before it shut down) or stay at school. I worked late but even added extra shift to the "family board" he made us write our schedules down on so I wouldn't have to be home. When your at home, use bluetooth headphones or earbuds because people usually don't talk to you when that happens. Other than that, I told my dad that I am his child and not his therapist. I love him and mom and won't be involved in their marriage...or divorce. That might be more blunt than you are willing to say possibly but you should have a conversation with him or create as much distance from him as is possible. When he starts bad mouthing your mom then leave the room, whip out those headphones or be direct. If he loves you then he will listen. Especially if you are soft and sincere when you tell him. It's clearly hurting you so much that you had to take it to the internet. If he still doesn't care or you don't think that will work because he might kick you out then buy the headphones.
Focus more on accomplishing your goals and making lists to check off. All the things that will get you closer to your goal. When you focus on the negative then that is all you see and feel. Trust me. My stress was giving me ulcers! Take a woosah and focus on the positive and become super goal oriented. Your psyche will thank you. Despite your situation, the one thing you do know is that you won't live there forever, right?
I moved out at 21 in the cheapest place I could find when I got engaged. If I wasn't in a relationship, I still would have left because my bags was packed and I had the savings ready!. My room was partially boxed up months before I left because I needed that reminder I could look at everyday so I could keep my goal right in front of me! It was the reality check that had me saving my money like a baws!
Above all else, be strategic. Figure out how many classes you have left and how much money you can save to move. Where to move to? How long you can pay rent with that savings? Can you apply for a scholarship? Can you take some credits at the junior college that can transfer to your school? Don't leave without a plan. Save on that financial aid and damn anyone who wants to judge you. If you don't qualify for financial aid because you live at home, you will if you move out on your own. Your parents won't be able to claim you on taxes anymore.Try student housing or get a roommate (preferably with a friend). There are more options. If you need more advice turn to youtube. If you see a video where the youtuber spoke on this issue then send them an email asking questions. They will respond because they do to me all the time.
That home stress is not worth it! I feel bad for your brothers who have to listen to a parent act that way. My brothers don't speak to my mom to this day because of the parental bad mouthing!
When you live at home with dysfunctional family members, moving out is really the only option that makes sense. Or you can do what I did and argue literally everyday and feel like your about to be kicked out constantly. Your ego will feel great but it takes an emotional toll. -I worked a home depot minimum a** cheap job pushing carts and still moved out! You will figure it out.Source(s): I lived this before I moved out and worked a minimum wage job!
- PearlLv 712 months ago
maybe you can live in the college dorms so you dont have to be around her
- 12 months ago
It s easiest to stay out of his way when possible and being that your 19 and a legal adult I d start treating him in the same manner down play his accoplishments the way he does yours if he talks bad about your mother maybe say "dad I don t like when you talk about her that way and I know she wouldn t ever talk negatively about you to me so why not show the same respect" if you come at him in a mature adult manner and don t get disrespectful maybe it ll get threw to him that he s being a dick if thats not a comfortable approach maybe even try and sit down and talk to him he might be having his own inner issues and worries that he s being a bad dad but he s trying to pin it on your mom to make himself feel better or even put it in another perspective would he ever want a man or woman you some day marry to talk so poorly about you to your future children should you choose to have any
- .Lv 512 months ago
Your parents are having marital problems and he's trying to win your brother and you over to his side so you will be supporting him and not your mother.
When he starts up, just remove yourself from the room, or maybe the house completely and go to a library to study, or listen or use your iPhone to go on the internet and look for music, or hunt down books that relate to the program you're taking at school.
If your father calls you on your iPhone just don't answer, he just wants you to support him since he's against your mom.
This is the only way you can shut him down when he goes after your mom they way he is doing.