Me and my husband have been together for 16 years... how do I deal with this correctly?

I don't mind my husband hanging out at a friends, having a few drinks... I do however mind him going out to a bar without me. Its my opinion and i know some will agree with me on this and some will not... i dont think that a bar is a place for a married man. It isnt right to go to a bar, get drunk and be without your significant other! I have expressed this to him. I specifically stated that out of respect for me id rather him not go to the bar. He completely disregarded my feelings and went anyways. I feel hurt and disrespected. How do I handle this? He doesnt see a problem with any of it and goes about it like it didn't even happen...urgh...

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    Depends on who he's going to the bar with and why. In some jobs you almost have to tipple with coworkers after work to stay employed. But if he's just going alone and getting drunk all the time this isn't about disrespect for you, it's because he has a substance abuse problem.

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  • 6 months ago

    I give thanks that my husband of 32 years does not share your personal belief. I give thanks that I can meet my gf's for a "girl's night out" once a month without asking permission or giving excuses. Gads. I give thanks that I can meet castmates after the show for a drink and absolutely not one on the planet is thinking I'm cheating on my spouse in the doing. I give thanks I can pop in after hours to my gf's restaurant and we can have a drink, fold things up a bit and have an "after hours" party that still gets me home by 10 and my husband has no problem with it.

    Why are you terrified, insulted by, feeling disrespected by your husband meeting his buddies for a drink in a bar? HOW COME? If you'd mention a reason, then I could work with that. But the only reason you mention is that you "specifically stated" that "I'd rather him not" which translates into you forbidding him to do so. Why? You need to come up with some WHY besides "because I said so". That's for children.

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    • history
      Lv 7
      6 months agoReport

      You have great "WHYS"! Out after the bars are closed, drunk, ditching the wife at home nights with the children often and regularly! My spouse and I don't go out to get drunk. We both are able to have a drink or two and come home early. Your husband needs to make better decisions! Great Whys.

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  • Ana
    Lv 6
    6 months ago

    Ok so there’s 2 parts to answer your question.

    1) First, me and my husband both 100% agree with you. And me and my husband both have that as one of our many ground rules. We BOTH follow the ground rules.

    The ground rules are:

    -We won’t do anything that we wouldn’t like if our spouse did to us

    -We won’t drink anywhere without our spouse- regardless of where it is. (Unless it was a special circumstance, like with a same sex friend we haven’t seen in forever, funeral after-event with family etc...)

    -if it’s a special circumstance we need our spouses approval IN WRITING, BEFORE we do it or plan it

    -We check with our spouse before making plans

    -We run any major purchases by our spouse to make sure we both agree

    -We don’t cheat (duh). Cheating is ANY TOUCHING AT ALL, or any messaging/flirting/calling period with the opposite sex.

    -We ALWAYS pick up the phone

    -We generally go everywhere together

    2) The second part of this is there’s CONSEQUENCES for breaking this. (Read SOURCES, below)

    Source(s): The first part of consequences is this: If someone breaks these rules, then the other person also gets to break those rules one time in the same manner. In your case, oh, he goes to a bar without you? Great, you go to a bar without HIM, and then refuse to tell him any details and leave him to suffer to think about what you did or didn’t do at that bar. Next time, he won’t break the rules. The second part of consequences is this: If one partner makes a habit of breaking these rules, then the other party will get a divorce and take the house and money. Whether that be him, or me. It takes both FEAR and LOVE to create RESPECT. Your husband doesn’t respect you bcuz he thinks you’ll complain, but ultimately won’t do sh*t about it. So he thinks he’s free to do what he wants. You need to show him there’s consequences and you’ll take drastic action. Follow the steps me and my husband do!
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    • Lv 7
      6 months agoReport

      And when you get permission *in writing* Ana, who do show that to? Do the bereaved at the funeral stop grieving to see your permission slip? Thank Goodness I don't live where you do. Have fun in Saudi Arabia!

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  • 6 months ago

    I think that this is one of those things you'll have to accept. It sounds like you just don't think it's appropriate rather than he does this all the time and gets smashed, and/or he can't be trusted.

    My guess is that he wants a change of scenery. I know, you have to stay home with the kids, so what about a compromise? You quit freaking out about him going to a bar with friends now and then, and you go on a spa day or a girls night or kayaking solo, or whatever it is that YOU enjoy.

    Honestly, I personally don't see the big deal about a bar....my husband told me well after the fact that he had gone to a strip club with his cousin and I feel like that's a much worse place for a married man to be. (No, we didn't actually have a fight about it, I know my husband hates being touched and he's too cheap to buy anything never mind a lap dance, lol...I knew it was all his horny cousin's idea.)

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  • 6 months ago

    Is he an alcoholic? does he come home drunk?

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  • 6 months ago

    Were your husband to be an alcoholic, give him an ultimatum that he must attend Alcoholic's Anonymous meetings at least two times a week for the first month and at least one meeting every week of his life because he's an addict who's addiction is alcohol. Were he not to comply with your ultimatum, your choice is to stay in the addictive relationship and suffer or to leave him and not be a part of the addictive relationship. He's the only one to change by and for himself and his relationship with you. You do not need to continue to be a co-dependent in an addictive relationship because you will suffer and he will continue his addiction to alcohol. Ask yourself, is this how you want to live your life. I hope not as you do not deserve to suffer anymore in an addictive relationship. The choice to stay and see if he will change and cease drinking and attend Alcoholic's Anonymous is yours. For your own sanity, be good to yourself.

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  • 6 months ago

    dear god, what do u think is happening in all those bars u re dreading so much? orgies on the tables? and where do u think dudes should be hanging out when they meet? in a sand box on a playground? a few men go out. drink some alcohol and chat. nothing wrong with that. what is wrong with u? u should work on that. and what being christian has to do with anything? and when u go to a bar u don't need to get drunk and piss your pants. u can just take one drink and just talk to friends.

    ps. are u afraid he sees someone better than u in a bar and will start an affair? he can see someone better anywhere - even in a grocery store. don't need to go to a bar and get drunk for that

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  • lala
    Lv 7
    6 months ago

    Going a bar alone when married is always a red flag

    You go with him or you go to another bar without him and then see his reaction

    Going out alone is Big NO

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  • 6 months ago

    If he goes to a bar with friends, what's the harm? Or even by himself (which is sorta weird because that's what addicts do). You do know there could be any number of people at "a friend's house" don't you? Well, if not, now you know.

    My husband used to go bowling and then he and his friends would stop at the bar after. I never told him what to do or worried about it. Essentially, i'm not his Mommy.

    My husband is free to socialize when and where he wants. He's a grown man. He has freedom of choice.

    • happy06236 months agoReport

      Maybe it makes a slight difference that I am a Christian and he is not..we tend to have different views on things

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  • Anonymous
    6 months ago

    I know this is not always the most mature thing to do but you could do something that he doesn't like you doing and see how he responds. Perhaps once he gets a taste of you disrespecting him then he may realize that it is not very pleasant when someone doesn't respect your wishes. Alternatively, what you could do is to try going to the bars with him so that he is never along. In saying that a more shrewd solution is to plan things on nights when he is going to a bar so that he can't go. Remember, guys are always hesitant to cancel when their wives have organized something because they cannot live with the guilt. I really hope that this helps :)

    Source(s): Has your husband ever explained to you why he needs to go to bars? Would you say that he is the romantic type that puts a lot of effort into your marriage?
    • happy06236 months agoReport

      He says he enjoys it. Im mostly left at home with the kids! He doesnt go often but id rather him hang out at a friends house and drink not go to bar.

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