Why does my wife have such an issue with control?
I've mentioned this before how my wife feels she's gotta know everything 5 minutes before you know it. If we're sitting in the bedroom watching TV and I get up to go to the kitchen the first thing out of her mouth is, "where you going?" This morning we had a little discussion about something I did 4 days ago. Normally she leaves for work at 6:30 AM and I usually leave shortly after her. Monday she was off work so I got dressed in the living room as to not disturb her in the bedroom. I decided to leave a little early to stop and get some gas so I left right around 6:30. Today (Fri) we were discussing something and she mentioned why I left so early Monday. I said, "because I had somewhere to go." Her next statement was, "well, I need to know why you left so early." Granted she leaves before me everyday but this particular day, since she was home, I decided to head out a little early and I didn't go into the bedroom to wake her to tell her I was gone, she felt like she needed to know why I left so early. How does she know I left early considering she is always gone before me. She doesn't know if everyday after she leaves I'm out the door 10 minutes later. Then she makes this statement, "Oh, so this is how we're doing things now?" Why does she have such an issue with control?
- FoofaLv 78 months ago
Same reason you do, you're both engaged in a little power dynamic problem. A casual, "why'd you leave so early?" is hardly an interrogation. But by being vague with "I had somewhere to go" you're opening the door for her suspicion (and you're doing it on purpose). If you truly love this person you shouldn't feel the need to create all this intrigue. As for her...of course when someone is being intentionally evasive it begs more questions. All of this could be ended by you just being a little more forthright. You'll want to ask yourself why it is you feel the need to keep your wife constantly on edge.
- Anonymous8 months ago
You've been posting complaints about your marriage here for YEARS. Talk to a therapist or marriage counselor. If you don't know your wife by now, you never will. You are beyond the help of anyone here, because we only know what you post (as both parties) in your personal drama, and you don't take anyone's advice (you just troll).
- seedy historyLv 78 months ago
That sounds like a discussion to have with her. Even if it is momentarily uncomfortable at times. It's definitely a conversation a husband and wife need to have between them. She has requirements. You have requirements. Talk about them. Get it out in the open. Respect each other. Without being mean or insulting... communicate with each other about this.
- Barb OuthereLv 78 months ago
"Why does she have such an issue with control?"t for you to have a conversation with her without looking for the hidden meanings? If I was asked I would simply have said "I went to get gas on the way", but YOU? You procrastinate on giving any sort of reasonable answer, like if you do you will have "given in" and there's no way you are going to be thaty guy.
Perhaps the combative attitude is not just on her side?
What lead you two to this point? Has there been past issues that make her question where you are and make you feel like you are not trustworthy? Perhaps dealing with that will relieve some of this too?
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- Anonymous8 months ago
You are confusing control with her having to know everything. She is not controlling what you do, therefore there are no control issues here that I can see.
She just needs to know where you are going and what you are doing and what you have done. UGH. That is more about being nosy than trying to gain control over you.
There could be other reasons, but generally your spouse does not need to know your every move as we all like a bit of individuality which includes some basic privacy.
However, I will admit that my spouse sometimes gets upset when I ask him where he is going. Sometimes it is just so I have an idea when he will be back so I can plan dinner. Or other times it is because maybe he is passing a store and can pick something up that we need.
I grew wonderful tomatoes and basil this past summer. One day he walked out of the door holding his car keys. I asked "Where are you going" and he got really pissed and said "None of your effing business". I was taken aback and just thought he was in a raunchy mood, so get the hell out and cool off buddy, I thought.
The reason I asked him where he was going is because I wanted to serve (a caprese salad) fresh mozzarella with the tomatoes and basil for our dinner salad that night. So, I served the salad without the mozzarella. He said "Hey, where is the mozzarella cheese for the salad?" I said "None of your effing business". well, he got the hint, but quick.
Another time we were just about out of toilet tissue. Same scenario: he was headed out and did not like me asking where he was going. I simply wanted him to pick up more toilet tissue....because he forgot it even though it was on the grocery list a few days ago. Well, I let him leave without a fuss. The next morning he is asking for toilet paper and I explained that was why I asked where he was going last night so he could pick some up...as I handed him a box of tissues.
Well, that was the last time he did not answer me when I asked him where he was going. We live in a rural area where it takes an hour, round trip to buy anything other than gasoline.
But, in your case, your wife just needs to know your every single move. Now, that is annoying, indeed.
That sounds more like insecurity rather than being controlling.
He went for a hair cut. Like I would not notice it when he got back? What was the big secret anyway? So silly.
- Anonymous8 months ago
she could be insecure about your relationship, have a dominating personality, a narcissist. you need to see how she handles other relationships with her friends, coworkers and family.
- chris nLv 78 months ago
Your marriage leaves a lot to be desired doesn't it. You are at loggerheads with your wife and she's insecure. Why didn't you just say 'I had to get gas'? That was the easiest of answers - but you didn't did you. WHY was that? Sounds like you wanted a fight of some sort. Perhaps that sort of thing happens constantly in your marriage. You are viewing it as all her fault - but if you are like this over something so innocuous as going to fill up the tank - what else are you like it with? I think you should have counselling - the pair of you before you have kids to destroy in an unhappy atmosphere.
- JerryLv 78 months ago
"Where are you going?" is a loving reminder to not commit the rudeness of just getting up and leaving the room as if there's nobody else there. It would be a lot more polite and considerate to say something like "I'll be back in a minute" or "I'm going to walk the dog."
When asked why you left the house earlier than usual, why the maddeningly evasive "To go somewhere" instead of the simple truth that you needed time to gas up the car?
Stop being so defensive and evasive already. You act like you're guilty of something ghastly and then complain that your wife treats you like you're guilty of something ghastly. What did you THINK was going to happen?
It's not unreasonable for someone to expect that he/she will pretty much know where his/her spouse is, who he/she is with, what he/she is doing. Maybe not minute by minute, but enough to ensure there is no appearance of sneaking around. You objecting to this reasonable expectation very much creates an appearance that you ARE sneaking around, that you ARE doing something you ought not be doing. You're the one creating the problem by going all hostile and defensive instead of just giving straightforward answers to straight forward questions.
- 8 months ago
She doesn’t know that everyday she leaves, you leave 10 min later, but she knows you don’t leave at the exact time she does. So she’s probably just curious bc that’s not the normal routine. She may be a lil annoying with the questions but I think it’s normal and I’d just be be up front with her xx