Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 3 weeks ago

My wife is emotionally and mentally abusive but she claims I'm the abuser when I react to her abuse. What do I do?

My wife withholds sex. She said that she withholds it because it is a reward for when I'm on my best behavior and when I've done "enough" around the house to "earn" it. Basically, my wife is treating me like a dog or like a child. This isn't okay.

When she doesn't get her way she calls me names to force me to "think about my actions". She also does silent treatments, obstructs the conversation from progressing by repeating herself over and over again to emphasis her point of view and ignores my questions asking her for more details about her feelings, she threatens to kick me out or make me sleep on the couch, and she likes to remind me when I abused her but she dismisses any abuse she's done to me.

She told me that she believes in me filling a "traditional male role" of being the protector and the handyman but she REFUSES to do the "traditional female role" of being the home cleaner and taking care of my needs. So basically, she's another woman with double standards. The rules she applies to other people are for her personal gain and the rules she applies to herself are lenient so she can easily meet them. She doesn't care about other people's expectations of her, just her own.

I'm 37 and she's 38, I've been with her for 18 years; it's progressively gotten worse over the years and seems to be in line with the age of our kids (the older they get the more she wants people to do as their told and shut up).

15 Answers

  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    2 weeks ago

    You two are in desperate need of marriage counseling.

  • Ocimom
    Lv 7
    3 weeks ago

    NO one should be staying in any kind of abusive relationship. Read the book Abuse Survivors Speak Out by Patricia Evans. Then decide if you really want to stay married to her. I went thru many of the same things you did with my ex-husband. We divorced after 17 yrs of marriage. The marriage really was over a long time before that time - but I didn't know about emotional or verbal abuse or I would have ended things a lot sooner.

  • 3 weeks ago

    I think that she is manipulating u! She just don't want to confront about all the accusations and wrong that she does to you. Then what you should do is divorce her *** or if u have kids with her, then just separate yourself from her.

  • 3 weeks ago

    This is all very sick behavior. there's no equality, no trust, no love. It's all about power.

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  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    3 weeks ago

    Hi UV, just let her know that you are not a dog or a child, and sex is not a reward to be held over your head or used to manipulate you. If she is unwilling to treat you as a partner and an adult, let her know you will find fulfillment elsewhere, then do it. And if that ends your marriage, you are almost certainly better off.

    • UV3 weeks agoReport

      Dang, I'm that obvious?

  • 3 weeks ago

    Your marriage is long since over. You don't have a marriage left.

    She can't "kick you out" and the couch is not a satisfactory solution.

    Accept that for you sex with her is over and build your life around that.

    You could seek a divorce or you could prepare your own bedroom and leave your wife alone.

    She will quite probably seek an affair for the purposes of punishing you. Accept that too and don't play the game her way.

    When she discovers that she has no power she will wish to blame you for everything. But there is the slimmest of slim chances that she will stop pushing her own way when she discovers that it isn't working.

    Good luck.

  • Raven
    Lv 5
    3 weeks ago

    While I don't agree of applying "traditional rules" to men or women, what you should do is stop tolerating this. If she treats you like an infant or refuses to have sex over something stupid, just tell her you'll get it somewhere else.

    Here's the thing though: Don't just tell her that you'll sleep with someone else. Act on it. Be upfront with her about everything you are going to do until she starts treating you like a human being.

    Either that, or divorce is always an option. 

  • You don't tolerate it and leave.

  • 3 weeks ago


  • Anonymous
    3 weeks ago

    Try marriage guidance counselling if you can't sort your marriage woes out with her in a mature conversation.

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