Should I take her back to stay in my child’s life? ?

I will try to be concise but would appreciate your help because I’ve no one to speak to: I have recently married a loving, supportive and successful woman. 

However, I have a child with an ex who cheated a number of times, attacked me in public and made false claims to eventually get majority custody of our child from me. As a result, I barely see our son now (unless I sleep with her/ discuss reconciling) and the courts have no interest in enforcing the conditions laid out in the residency (custody) agreement. 

I told my wife the whole time this has gone on but since being married 3 months now I haven’t slept with the ex and consequently, not seen my son. I am wrong for hurting my wife, wrong for not loving myself to stay away but at the same time, my sons life without me in it is far worse (poor housing, lack of guidance, multiple men in and out-literally). I grew up with a single mum and know all the things that he will face if I don’t take her back.

Neither woman is willing to share me long term/ don’t believe in polyamory but both know I am not totally happy. 

The courts are of no help. So I’m left with two choices:

1) stay married and faithful but not see my son and know he will suffer a multitude of things as a result

2) divorce the best woman I’ve ever known. Scarring her, both of our families and get with my abusive ex. In the hope this lasts until my son is old enough for his opinion to be held in regard by the courts (he’s 3 and always has been daddy’s boy) 

8 Answers

  • 8 months ago
    Favourite answer

    You cannot blame yourself for whatever the courts do or do not do.  Have you heard of "Force Majeur"?  That is what the whole legal system is.  They are supposed to know better than you what is reasonable and to back it up with police, fines, prisons etc.

    You go about your life as it is now.  Love your new partner.  If your ex won't let you see your children and the courts aren't interested then you MUST abandon them now.

    Sooner or later they grow up and by that stage you have to let go anyway.  If the system forces you to let go earlier then that is fate.

    Just make sure that you leave a trail so the children can always find out that you were trying to contact them.  So that even fifty years from now they will KNOW that they were only abandoned to the extent that the law and the system made it so.

    You cannot fix the world any more than I can fix global warming or was able to fix the Vietnam War.  There ARE things that are entirely out of your control and consequently out of your responsibility.

    "Accept the things you cannot change, but change the things you can".

    When my son left home to study, some 300 km from home, I took him in the car and helped him move in.  I looked at the reminders in the car and I cried for a few days.  Life had changed permanently.  Over time I discovered the freedom I now had with my wife.  So I changed too.  I still miss him after 20 years and he is now living on the other side of the world. But that is what being a parent is.  No matter about divorce or courts or anything else this must still happen to you at some time.  It is only a matter of WHEN. (Not if ).

    So again you MUST make your life with your new partner and whatever else happens is merely a statement of fact and nothing else.

    • peter8 months agoReport

      Thank you for your response. You have clearly understood the parameters I have been contending with. 

      My only issue with that is every day he comes to mind. There’s no drug available to me that could help me forget him. Life has lost its point 

    • Commenter avatarLog in to reply to the answers
  • 8 months ago

    I'll stay with the decent woman and wait till the kid is old enough, I know both choices at hard but the other girl seems very unstable and unwanted drama. 

    • Commenter avatarLog in to reply to the answers
  • 8 months ago

    This is BS. I don't know what courts you are referring to but if you hire a decent lawyer to take care of your business and sue your ex for custody of your child then the lawyer won't fool around with this "courts are of no help" ish. It'll cost you.

    If you'd rather trade sex for access to your son (your wive is unlikely to accept that arrangement) than hire a good lawyer... float your own boat, man. You want no help from us.

    • ...Show all comments
    • seedy history
      Lv 7
      8 months agoReport

      Then back to court you go. I'm sorry it's a nightmare but it won't be LESS of one is you take up sex for visitation. 

    • Commenter avatarLog in to reply to the answers
  • 8 months ago

    You are obviously leaving out something. No court would not allow a father reasonable visitation with his child if he is a fit parent.

    • peter8 months agoReport

      That’s exactly what I and my solicitors believed. She made false sexual abuse claims knowing they would give her our son whilst investigating for months. She retracted her claims but by then was able to say he was settled with her now- 160 miles away 

    • Commenter avatarLog in to reply to the answers
  • What do you think of the answers? You can sign in to give your opinion on the answer.
  • mmm
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    you do not know how to get the court in your favor - they will help you.

    1. Start documenting. NOW. What time you arrived to pick up child and what was discussed.

    2. Start documenting. Everything needs to be in writing. Text message her that you will pick up child a week in advance on said visitation. Document.

    3. Wait 6 months of her behavior to continue and let her sink herself.

    4. Once you have 6 months of documented proof that she is not cooperating. Then you go to court with the proof.

    5. If you get back with her, she will continue to control your life and if you do anything wrong she will kick you out until you abide by her rules.

    6. Start writing your child letters now. Every week write a letter, photo copy it and send it a long and keep a copy in case she does not give the child the letters.

    7. when the courts see you will not relent and really would like a relationship with your son - and you jump through their hoops - they will eventually help you

    8. The first time in court, she will get a slap on the hand, that's normal - keep documenting and go back to court - the judge will eventually get sick of her bs.

    9. Go hug your wife and pray together.

    good luck to you

    • Commenter avatarLog in to reply to the answers
  • Amelia
    Lv 6
    8 months ago

    You are not going to help your son by staying with his mother. He will just continue to be exposed to her bad behavior. He would also learn that this is how relationships work, and have a very high chance of ending up in a similar relationship when he is older. Is that truly what you want for him?

    If you want a better life for him, you need to think long term. If the lawyer you've hired for your custody battles hasn't been able to win your child for you, then you need to hire a better lawyer. Start saving up until you have the money to afford a lawyer who is better and then take her to court again. In the meantime, document everything she says and does that worries you about her parenting. The only way to salvage this situation is to make getting out of it your number one priority.

    • Commenter avatarLog in to reply to the answers
  • 8 months ago

    First how can you say your wife is the best thing to happen to you yet sleep with your ex thereby dam**ng the relationship? How can you say you are a better model for your son when you just admitted you are as unfaithful as your ex? It sounds like the woman you're with now can do better. The fact you've already put your son ahead of your current squeeze is your answer. You need to let her go, SHE deserves it.

    • peter8 months agoReport

      I shouldnt have hurt her. She does deserve better than me. My son deserves better too. 

    • Commenter avatarLog in to reply to the answers
  • 8 months ago

    Well if you have proof of those things " my sons life without me in it is far worse (poor housing, lack of guidance, multiple men in and out-literally)" then GO BACK to court with it, show them that your Son would be better off with you i his life. Make sure the new wife wants that too. Also have DOCUMENTED proof of her denial of Visitation and your attempts to visit with your Son. That all adds to your claim.

    Your SON will NOT benefit from having his Dad around but miserable with the cheating woman. That will just make 3 people miserable -you him and the new wife. All he will see is that a man cannot expect better treatment in life and that is NOT a lesson you want him to learn, is it?

    Better that you show him a man has avenues under the Law and that he should be willing to keep fighting for his child, because his love for that child is enough to carry him through.

    • peter8 months agoReport

      Thanks for your response. You're right. Unfortunately witness statements from 5 police officers of her abuse was not upheld by the judge. I hired the best solicitor in my region. They saw my better living circumstances as an excuse to make me pay more not see him more. 

    • Commenter avatarLog in to reply to the answers
Still have questions? Get answers by asking now.