My dad committed suicide. I don’t know how to cope. Can anyone who has lost a loved one help?
My dad suffered for most of his life with major depression and after trying all kinds of medications and being in and out of hospitals, he took his life on October 13th of this year. My family and I are a mess. His memorial was on Saturday. I’m a stay at home mom with a 2 year old daughter, and she distracts me but I still think of him constantly. I don’t know how to get through this. I miss him so much. I feel guilt, like it was my fault. Like I should have done something to stop this. Death feels so final and I don’t know how to get through not being able to see him or talk to him.
- KellyLv 78 months agoFavourite answer
My dad died 15 years ago and I tell people it doesn't get better, but it does get easier over time. Every day will be easier than the day before, even if you don't notice it.
You're still very new to it and in general the first year is quite rough because you'll have all your "firsts" with out them, it's especially rough at holiday's, birthdays family events, death anniversary and especially at father's day.
I was in my 20's when my dad died and I actually resented all the well meaning "I know how you feel" comments because well... they didn't. Their parents were alive and well. My dad died young, but was sick for a long time. I was still living at home, I stayed home after he got sick to help them so I went from seeing him everyday to not at all.
I still think of my dad everyday at some point but the grief and I have my days but it doesn't consume me anymore.
If anything we (my brothers, mom and I) found the humor in things and even did while planning his funeral because he would have. We all laugh at me picking out his casket at the funeral home, there was this really nice mahogany one and I asked how much it was and it was $9,000 this was me to the funeral director "we really didn't like him *that* much", then later when the funeral home delivered the flowers and guest book, when going through the paper work I found the warranty for the casket, who knew a casket has a 5 year warranty and how was I going to check it? I'd need a backhoe and a court order for that. The day of his funeral after it we all went to a candle party (planned before he died) and then went bowling, essentially we kept busy... that was better than sitting around and feeling sorry for our selves. It also helped that our dad always told us when we got hurt or things weren't otherwise going our way to only feel sorry for our self for a minute, then get back up.
For now it's okay to have the days and the feelings you are. If 6 months down the road or so it's not getting easier, then you may want to seek some grief counseling. Different in my case than yours, I knew it was coming. Even knowing didn't quite prepare me for when it actually happened and he was sick for 10 years. Grief goes through stages, initially I was relieved it was finally over, then the guilt set in and eventually I accepted it as it was.
- Orla CLv 78 months ago
How devastating for you, I am very sorry for your loss.
Your guilt and feeling that you could have stopped him somehow are both normal for those bereaved by suicide. What you need to realise is that neither of these emotions are necessary - I'm not saying they aren't valid, of course they ARE - but they are not necessary. You don't need to feel guilty because how is it your fault he had depression? You could not have stopped him because when someone is determined to end their own life, they will do it somehow. Sadly those with severe depression can get it so bad that they are locked into their own thoughts and minds, and NOBODY can help them. Medical intervention is the only way - and even then the patient has to consent to treatment.
Please stop beating yourself up about this. Please instead try to remember the happy times you had with him, and go and talk to other people who knew him, other relatives, friends, his co-workers, etc. Share your memories. They are probably grieving too. Grief shared is grief eased - a little bit every day.
Mind yourself, hon. Big hug from Orla C.
- FoofaLv 78 months ago
Embrace the distraction that is your daughter. She's there to remind you why he lived. You can't bring back the dead (much as I wish). But you can remember that ultimately we all go at some point and the legacy we leave is our children...and their children...and their children after that. When someone is mentally ill and has exhausted all of medical science there's just not much any layman can do to reverse course. So it's pointless to blame yourself. Your job now is to raise your daughter to be a competent adult and to honor your father because it's not his fault he was sick.
- Anonymous8 months ago
I'm very sorry for your loss. I can say with confidence that it was not your fault, and don't think anybody else in their right mind is blaming you either.
I lost a family member about two years ago, and the time right after was very rough, but it gets easier with time. It helped me to remember that there are a lot of people who have gotten through things like this before. That doesn't mean it'll be easy, but it means you're not alone, and it's not impossible. There will be rough spots along the line, but they become fewer and fewer with time.
Like someone else already said, it's normal to feel a fairly intense grief for the first year or so, but even if it's "normal" it can still be a great idea to seek counselling or join some kind of grief group to ease your grief. There's no use in making things harder for yourself than they could be. Try not to isolate yourself and don't be afraid to ask those around you for help and support. Having people around you to distract and comfort you is always good, I find.
I hope some of this might help! Wish you the best.
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- Anonymous8 months ago
I am truly sorry for your loss. I lost a very dear friend to suicide some years ago. I had lunch with her that day, said good-bye, had no idea how disturbed and upset she was, got the phone call that she was dead. This is NOTHING like what you are going through, and I know that, but I still have moments when I blame myself for what I should have seen, what I could have done.
There might be some peace in knowing he was troubled, and he is now at peace.
You know logically that it wasn't your fault. And, yes, death is so terribly final, BUT I don't personally believe you can't communicate. Yes, maybe you can't have a conversation, but I was widowed in my late 20's, and I very often speak to my late husband. I suppose some people think I have mental health issues, but it brings me peace. I, likewise, have some peace in knowing my husband is no longer suffering.
Is it possible for you to join a grief group, a group for survivors of suicide, a therapist, a clergyperson, someone who will understand on a very personal level?
Time doesn't solve anything, but it brings a certain level of peace and acceptance.
Please find help to get yourself through this. I know it's a rough road. And, again, there was nothing you could have done. If you had stopped this attempt at suicide, he most likely would have tried again.
And know he didn't chose to leave you and your daughter. He chose to end his emotional pain.
My thoughts are with you.
- Anonymous8 months ago
you need to talk with someone and do not wait. I am so sorry. also keep yourself busy my children's dad died in 2004 and we where married 35 years. in 2015 I remarried and just lost him this past March 4th. it is hard going on but I pray to Jehovah God threw his Son Jesus Christ and they help me with my stress. many times I cry so hard
- Serene ELv 78 months ago
You need counselling.
- LayneLv 58 months ago
That is heartbreaking, I am sorry for your loss. Life can suck at times. Sorry to hear of your loss.
- PatriciaLv 78 months ago
So sorry for your struggle. Death is final but they say we will meet again after we pass on.
There is a lot of information for Coping with Grief and Loss online. And i'd guess there is also information about coping with a suicide, too.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's not your fault. You have nothing to do with another person's choices.
Sending all the best. I hope you get online and do some self-help research.
- linkus86Lv 78 months ago
That must have been a smelly memorial to have it a month later. Maybe you could take a few cues from Dad by going to seek professional help to get you through your mourning process.