Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 8 months ago

Husband grew up with verbally/emotionally abusive stepfather?

We all have baggage.  I was abused too. But in a different way.  The main difference is, my mom left the jerk who mistreated me.  My husband's mom actually stayed with the man who, for years and years, traumatized her son.  I'm not proud of it, but I absolutely resent her for that.  You don't stay with someone who abuses your children. I don't care how much you depend on them financially. Your children depend on you for protection.  If you refuse to do what is necessary to keep them safe, you are worse than the abuser in my eyes. She could have saved him, but she didn't. 

Anyway, that's another story.  Since my husband dealt with so much verbal and horrible mental abuse for nearly his whole life, he is still suffering. He self loathes something fierce. If he makes one little, human, mistake he calls himself names and beats himself up.  He is always trying to appease everyone else, but doesn't care about his own feelings to protect them.  He has so many scars, so much hurt. It kills me.  There is so much light wanting to come out, but I don't know how to help it shine.

I am no therapist.  But I do my best to tell him he is worthy of love. Especially of himself.  He is going to make mistakes, he is human. He doesn't have to beat himself up anymore.  He doesn't live with that sorry excuse of a stepdad anymore but he can't shake the trauma. Is there anything else I can do?  Am I doing enough?  I know I can't heal him myself, but I want to do my best to help...


I also am suspicious his mom stayed with that man because she is a heavy Bible reader and devout Christian and is against divorce. I guess she forgot the part where divorce is allowed in the case of abuse. Especially on one's own child.  This is why I am not a follower of Christianity. I see what it does to people...

5 Answers

  • glcang
    Lv 7
    8 months ago
    Favourite answer

    He is terribly wounded and needs help.

    The scars he carries infiltrate every part of his life.

    He needs help,to first see and acknowledge what happened to him. He needs to feel the rage anger and underneath that the hurt and pain he dealt with and is still dealing with.

    Please get him some professional help.

    There are many great people who are very good at assisting men who are wounded like this.

    He must realize that he is worthy to,have a happy and productive life.

    You seem like a caring person. Your love  can help but he needs to desire to be healed 

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  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    You are a very good wife... try to figure out if you can get him into counseling that will help a lot. 

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  • 8 months ago

    "I am no therapist..... I know I can't heal him myself, but I want to do my best to help..." Then encourage him to seek that professional help and ongoing therapy he so desperately needs, reassuring him that you are going to be there for him all the way through that treatment, and will still there with him when he comes through the other side..

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  • 8 months ago

    It's tough to live with and love someone who holds onto self loathing. And, you're right as can be, you can't solve it. But he can go into counseling for himself and learn to move forward and develop an adult life of his own creation. There are sliding fee scale counseling services available in nearly every town. Hunt one down. The happiness of YOUR life requires that he address designing happiness in how to live his own. Which means learning to love and live with himself.

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  • 8 months ago

    he beats himself up because this is what he learned as a child. I'm sure he was emotionally beaten half to death. He doesn't realize he's safe now, he is living a different life. He's not living RIGHT NOW. He's wrapped up in that sack of oldShit he experienced, and he's carrying it around on his shoulders even today,

    The past is gone. Living with presence is very helpful.

    There is an abundance of self-help online:

    Survivers of child abuse

    How to live with Presence

    Self-esteem self-help

    Depression self-help and more

    There are also Guided Meditations on YouTube for emotional and bodily healing. I prefer Dauchsey and Jason Stephenson's guided meditations. I listen to one nightly when i go to bed. It's been very helpful for me. I'm grounded, i'm not anxious, i care about myself and others, i take life as it comes. I also respect and care about myself. This isn't always the way it was for me.

    I have been using self-help for years. It's miraculous what we can do for ourselves when we want to make positive life changes.

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