Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 8 months ago

Should mother-in-law be entitled to seeing grandkids?

So my MIL hated me from the start. I won't go in details of what she's done, but she's been a manipulative you know what and pretty much told me I do it her way now. After years of being polite, I snapped and said enough is enough. She basically wasn't invited anymore and visits were very limited. Then the kids came. Now I have 2 girls and she feels she's entitled to see them. I have a hard time after all the s*** that occured. I don't want to visit her 3 times in December for all her Xmas parties. I don't care what she demands of my husband. I will see her once and done. Who's in the right? We fight with husband all the time as he tries to not piss mommy off and can't tell her "no". I don't want to celebrate Xmas with her! Why should I have to?

Update:

I should add. She doesn't care what rules we have in our house. She "knows better" how to raise kids. Just laughs at anything I say.

33 Answers

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  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

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  • Jane
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    If you and your hubs fight over this, MIL has got her way and she wins as she comes between you and damages your relationship.If she is as manipulative as you say, she will be delighted by this.

    As others have rightly said, neither you nor your hubs can change her. The only control you have is over your own behaviour. 

    1.You and your husband must discuss this properly and come to an agreement/compromise that you can both handle and is realistic. EG. All of you going to one Xmas party should be fine, he can go on his own to others, you can have your own family Xmas time together without her.

    2. DO NOT make your husband choose between you and his mother ( manipulation). His relationship with her is his business to deal with

    3. Make an agreement and stick to it, communicate this to your children in a simple and straightforward way without involving all the strong feelings you have- after all, unless she is a clear and present risk to the children, it is you and your husband who are the most important and influential people in their lives, not your MIL.

    Good Luck, try to stay calm, and don't allow this to spoil your special family time at Xmas!

  • 8 months ago

    There's no "Grandparent's Rights " law or act so she can't force to see the kids.  I'd have you and the husband confront her on this and tell her what bothers you about her actions and then discuss limits with her as to the kids. Giver her boundaries to stay within.

  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    Why can't the kids and husband go without you?

    My family at best tolerates my brothers wife.  Sometimes my SIL shows up for family dinners, holiday or what not but usually has an excuse not to go and my brother and their kids come without her.  If/when she does show up, she usually makes things miserable.  I admit some of it's me, but it's mostly her..  she doesn't even get along with her own family.

    Maybe MIL does know better.  She has already been through the parenting that you're going through.  She's giving advice unsolicited or not based on her own experiences.  When I first had kids my MIL and own mom gave me all sorts of feedback and advice that I never did ask for and I thought I knew it all..  I didn't and most of the time they were right.

    What's wrong here is that you're all putting kids in the middle of adult issues.  Even if I hated my MIL, I wouldn't keep her from my kids.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    What we think doesn't matter because unless you're planning to divorce your husband this is something you and he need to work out. If you can't talk about it in a productive way by yourselves you'll need to get into some marriage counseling. You don't even explain what it is this woman has done that makes her such a danger to your children. And yes, there's a BIG difference between someone being an actual danger and someone just being annoying. Most in-laws are annoying but that doesn't mean it's morally right to excommunicate them from their grandchildren.

  • 8 months ago

    How old are your daughters, do they like going to her house? You going to have to tell your husband that he is going to have to tell his mother those are your and his kids and you are going to raise them the way both of you think is best.Has he ever objected to the way you raise the children? Is your husband good with your girls? Has he ever kept them by himself? What about your folks, they having Christmas dinner or supper. I wouldn't go for all 3 parties either, dinner or supper if it doesn't interfere with your family. You having anything at home on Christmas day?Whether you want to let the girls go would depend on how old they are, whether they wanted to go or not and whether your husband can handle them if they are really young. You might better sharpen up your left hook, you might have to take her down. ;)

  • drip
    Lv 7
    8 months ago

    You need a marriage counselor.   His mom isn’t going to change. But the two of you need to agree how he is going to handle the situation. 

    I would assume this isn’t just a problem at Christmas time. Hence the see a counselor,  for a neutral party to help you. 

  • 8 months ago

    Well, first of all, don't fight with your husband about his mother. It's ridiculous because there is nothing he can do about her behavior. Not one thing. And he already knows how she is, and that she's a pain in theAss, so why get on his case about her? He can't fix her.

    If you don't want to go back and forth to her house three times over the holidays, then don't do it. If you decide to go once, then go. I don't know about you, but i preferred it if my children spent Christmas at home.

    Just practice kindness with your mother in law -- one of you has to be civilized and it might as well be you. You need to remember that her behavior is about HER, and it's not about you at all. I'm sure she treats a lot of people likeShit, and you're not her first victim.

    If she says anything shitty, just smile, and tell her you're sorry she feels that way or just change the subject. It's not worth getting all upset over. So keep your mood cheerful and upbeat. Just enjoy the kids and your husband. If you father in law is decent, then be thankful for that.

    My mother in law was a bit insulting and actually, i thought she was a bit on the dumb side, too. She'd make remarks to me and her other daughter in law sometimes. I just let it roll off my back because i figured she didn't know any better and had zero social skills. It worked for me. I didn't argue with my husband about his mother, because just like your husband, my husband already knew what she was like. And while he wasn't in favor of her behavior all the time, she was his mom and he did love her.

    take care! happy holidays.. don't sweat the small stuff.

  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    You're all in the wrong - including your husband. 

  • Anonymous
    8 months ago

    Shame that the kids can hardly see their grandmother.

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