Anonymous asked in Business & FinancePersonal Finance · 1 year ago

Fiancés mother just died, his 2 younger siblings have nowhere to go?

Very sad situation. My fiancés mother passed at 60 pretty unexpectedly and it’s devastating. Here’s the situation:

Fiancé and I have been engaged for 2 years. We have a townhome we’ve been living in for not even a year. My fiancé and his siblings have no father, grandparents, aunts or uncles. Mother was the only child and had only had 3 kids. His younger siblings are 20 and 24. His brother has a certain disorder I’m not 100% sure about but I know his mother used to mention how she doesn’t think he’d be able to live by himself for the longest because his maturity level is so low for his age. & the sister from the beginning has been nothing but constant issues since I stepped into the picture 4 years ago. It was nothing I ever did, just that I “took her brother” and I’m the reason they don’t talk anymore crap. That’s the background story. 

Now the siblings are turning towards my soon to be husband for their living situation, and lives and  I’m not sure how to take all this in. I’m willing to help and be supportive for however long it takes for them to be mentally physically back right when they’re ready. BUT I’m not trying to have an extended family before I am even married? The sister doesn’t even respect me never has.. but I who am I to complain now, especially after her mom.

The funeral has already passed so I want to talk to my fiancé now that he may be more able to talk after such a long week.. but this is a hard topic to debate about. I want him to know I support him. 

9 Answers

  • Bort
    Lv 6
    1 year ago

    You need to explain this to your best friend, and most important person in your life, your future husband. In all reality since sister doesn't get along with you (and that seems to be her choice, not yours) having her live in your home isn't going to work out. My opinion is the same with the younger brother if he has some sort of mental disorder.

    Some people may preceive this as rude or harsh but I don't mean it that way. It is the truth:

    You're not marrying your fiance's brother and sister and your fiance' you're marying your fiance'. You're marrying him to build a family of your own that you share you're not marrying in to a ready-made family situation. Of course you share relatives. That doesn't mean they live with you.

    There are alternatives to them living with you. For example if the brother truly does have some sort of disability he needs care that you might not even be able to provide. You're not his mother, and you didn't say so but I'm guessing you're not a nurse or home care aid. That is truly what he needs. A home care aid or live-in nurse.

    In my opinion sister needs to step up and do that for her brother. That's how families have worked these things for centuries is the older or more capable siblings helped raise the younger ones or the siblings that need some aid because of a medical condition they might have. It's never been the sister-in-laws job.

    I can see the hatred for this coming "this answer is rude or harsh, false, and not right".

    This is how these things were done for a very long time. You don't have to take on the burdon of having people that are going to be problematic living in YOUR home with you because they have chosen not to get along with you and also having to mother a legal adult.

    That's not what you signed up for when you said "yes". You have to share that with your hubby. There are alternatives. There may be public assistance programs available to help brother continue on and become independent - professionals that do that sort of thing all of the time....which isn't you. You don't know what you're doing well enough, you don't even know the details of his condition so you're not capable of filling his needs.

    Letting them move in with you is going to be a bad situation without some time spent learning each other, working on getting along, and working out who helps brother out with what. It's probably best they don't move in to permanently stay live in your home with you not only for their own best interest but also in the best interest of your marriage and relationship with your partner.

  • Judy
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    Wow, that's a tough one. But yes, talk to him about it all soon. You both need to be very honest with each other on your feeling about what to do. This could end up a deal-breaker for one or the other of you. good luck.

  • n2mama
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    If your fiancés mother truly had concerns about his brother having the ability to live independently then she should have made arrangements for his ongoing care and living situation. Even though she was young and presumably in good health prior to passing, if you have a special needs child you would make appropriate plans for their future. Otherwise they can end up as wards of the state and living in less than ideal circumstances.

    Unless mom had absolutely no resources, there should be an estate of some kind that the three children would likely be dividing equally. This should give sister the resources to get her own place, and brother the resources to figure out his living situation. Your fiancé may need to help them with planning and such, especially if they’ve never done it before, but that doesn’t mean they move in with the two of you.

  • Eva
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    The brother may need to be placed in a group home depending on what his disorder is. He would have a more normal living situation, some social interaction, and someone to assist him with daily tasks. If the sister is the 20 yr old, you have a problem. She's probably not financially able to live on her own as yet. If she's the 24 yr. old, she should be able to find her own living situation. If there is any inheritance from the mother, that could be used to get them set up. The brother may need his put into a special needs trust. You fiance should consult an estate attorney if that is the case. Be patient. It's going to take a few months for this all to sort out. It's very difficult to make life decisions so soon after losing their mother.

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  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    They are adults they can fend for themselves.

    It's not your problem.

  • Maxi
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    You haven;t asked a question............. I am assuming you are concerned that his two adult siblings will want to move in and live with you/him.and that is a conversation you need to have with him.... you are not married however you share a home as if you are married, I am assuming he will want to help his siblings short term but they are adults and should be supporting themselves medium to long need him to know this that you plan on marrying him and raising a family with him ( if that is what you both choose) not looking after/supporting/providing a home for  two adult siblings of his.

  • 1 year ago

    Engaged for 2 years, yet no honest and forthright discussion of the younger brother's needs/limitations? 

    I'd refuse to let them cross the threshold. You're not their stepmother and they are not children

  • 1 year ago

    they are 20 and 24... they should have been living by themselves for several years now.

    give them 2 weeks to find a job and a place to live then kick them out. You are not their parent and they need to learn to fend for themselves.

    if you dont be hard on them they will take advantage of you hard.

  • y
    Lv 7
    1 year ago

    Family does for family, there is no more discussion then that. The rest is all distractions. Bottom line, family does for family.

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