Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

Found out my daughter is in an abusive relationship but she’s denying it. What do I do ?

Found out my daughter who is 29 is an an an abusive relationship. I always thought something was off about her boyfriend but I couldn’t put my finger on it.., he was always nice around us but it still seemed like he was putting up a front and had a dark side he was hiding. She left her phone at home one day on accident and her phone kept going off from one of her friends and that’s when I opened up the text thread and found out all about the abuse she was telling he friends about how he hits her and controls her. I also saw pictures of her legs being black and blue. I was wondering why she’s been wearing nothing but long pants the past couple of years and refused to go to the pool with the family a couple months. I told her about what I found on her phone and she flipped out on me telling me I had invaded her privacy by going on her phone. She denied the abuse about 100 times and then told me she can’t break up with him because he drives her to work and she is scared to drive so he puts up with it. True enough that me and her mother can’t drive her to work or really anywhere. I don’t have the energy to drive her everywhere she needs to be. But this is no excuse for staying with an abusive man. I cannot believe she’s been hiding this from me for so many years. She started crying and she told me “ it’s just a misunderstanding dad please don’t say anything to him or to anyone else. You will ruin my life.” And I said “ sweetie your life is already ruined.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    You need to find a way to get help for your daughter. If she is use to this abuse she’ll think it’s healthy and normal when in reality it’s not good for her health.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    You and your wife should make sure she gets to public transportation.  Drive her to the bus stop.  It may take time for her to listen to you because he has probably been putting her down for years but don't give up keep talking to her eventually she will come around if you stay positive and lift her up to a higher level of respect.

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  • 1 month ago

    First and foremost a serial abuser, uses Stockholm syndrome, to control another person.  The original is when you have complete control of a person.  Like Patty Hurst. Where they are tortured, a person, for months. Lock them in a room, isolate them for days at a time, with no food, or a place to pee and poop.  Usually a person might pee and poop in a corner of the room, but sometimes the abuser will beat them, for that, and tell them they have to pee and poop on them self.  And live in the mess for days or weeks at a time. Besides being beaten, they are raped.  After a few months of this torture, they start to make things better.  Like putting moving them to a clean room, with a port o potty, allow them to wash up and have clean clothes. Are still isolated, and raped, and sometimes beaten.  After a few months when they have broken the person, where the person will not look up, do or say anything unless the abuser gives his permission. If she raises her voice, or question him, she is beaten, and tortured for a few days or longer.  The reverse is how they do it in a relationship with others around. They are the nicest angel in the world. Gives 150 compliments. Goes out of the way and does nice things most men would not do unless asked.  Almost to the point of making you sick.  Then they separate you from your family and friends. little by little. Getting moody when he does not get his way. ignores her, isolates her, in a way. by not spending as much time with her, or instead of sitting next to her while watching a movie he will sit by himself, until she some how gives in, if not says sorry for not doing what he wants, actually cuts down how many times he visits family and friends, or stops.  This is to give him time to slowly control her, before she realizes it. We all can be rude, insensitive, over re-act to what someone does.  He have a bad day at work, and our wife or husband says something and we rip their heads off by yelling and blowing up.  But usually we know and won't accept this behavior, and when we are not sure we check with family and friends, and they confirm what he did was wrong, or an over re-action. Then you can tell him not acceptable.  But when a wife or girlfriend is not sure, and has no one to talk to, because he made it unbearable to spend time with family and friends, you start to let it go.  But slowly weeks of him changing from giving 150 compliments to 140, 120, 100. To 99 compliments and 1 insult. eventually he gets to the point of you getting 70-90% insults and 10-30% compliments,  Then one day you wake up and look back over the last few months and add up all the miss treatments, and insults, and realize its abusive. Now you feel like a fool. And you figure if you can fix it. End the abuse, get him to be the way he was when you first met, then your loved saved him and your relationship.  But 9.9999999% of the time it does not happen.  Depending how physical abusive he can be, it can be dangerous.  She still feel guilty she allowed this to happen.  Even though, some of the most smartest, strongest women you know have been in at least one abusive relationship.  I have 5 sister, 3 of them ended up in an abusive relationship, and one sister was in one for 7 yrs. Another one was in one off and on for 5 yrs.  Let her know it is not her fault, and you will be there if and when she needs help to get away. of course it is harder with children. but if no children, protecting her is a lot easier.  Still can be dangerous. But at least you can have a place for her, to live and support for a few months until she saves up enough money to get her own place, and if she does not have a job, to get one.  so she will be able to support her self alone. Sometimes an abuser will get his girlfriend or wife, to quit their job, even when they do not have kids, so she will be totally dependent on him, and makes it harder for her to leave, with no current income. So know she might fight you on it. She will deny, anything is wrong.  She might and most likely get mad at you for making her abuse out in the open.  She may call you names, and kick you out of her house, or storm out of a restaurant.  Doing it at your home, or a girlfriends home, like an intervention. is best.  But also know, it could take 2-3 tries to get her to leave this abusive man. The abused 50% of the time will go back to the abuser, at least once. And the first come back is the most dangerous time. He can beat her badly, as a punishment, if he feels, her coming back won't last, or kill her.  That is not the norm though, but it is possible. Unfortunately.  All you can do is let her know you will help her, get back on her feet, and away from the abuser.  You love her.  And say as many times as you can, it is not her fault.  He took advantage of you and slowly abused you before you can figure it out. But now you know, and your family and friends know he is abusing you. And say calmly but firmly unless she calls the police on you all family and friends, you will not give up to get her away from this abuser. If she knows, even if she has a job, she has a place to live for a few months, with out any worries, is 90% of the solution.  Note: I have not met any abused woman, or man, in 25 yrs of being an abuse/rape crisis counselor ever go back to the abuser, and he changed.  I heard it happens, for a short time, but eventually it ends. Intervention, show her you love her, and will support her, and say it is not her fault. over and over again. Good luck. 

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  • 1 month ago

    She needs to stand up for herself and if he the Boyfriend  hits her again she needs low blow him where the sun don't shine and spinning heel kick too the jaw and finish with sweet chin music 

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  • 1 month ago

    You have to call the cops. If you let this slide it's gonna look terrible on your part and she needs that time away this guy to think about what she really deserves and this isn't it. She doesn't deserve to be beat. She's covering up for him and you need to tell the cops otherwise you may end up burying her one day. Guys like that don't change and in most cases they kill their girlfriends. 

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    tell the police about it

    • Dr. Stephanie
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      Pearl, this abused woman won't or can't leave her abuser without some professional help support or guidance. Chances are good she wouldn't report the abuse either.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    After I got my drivers license, I almost killed myself, and some people. Not everyone can realistically drive a vehicle. I also did a road test, but I failed my road test. I never made another attempt to get my drivers license.

    Where I am from there are three different levels of drivers license. I only passed the first level. I was not able to pass the second, and third level.

    I decided to try to get my boating license, and I actually got it. I am planning on taking boating lessons in the near future, so I hope that works out, for me.

    Anyway I take public transportation whenever I want to go to different places that's on land. If your daughter lives in an area where there is public transportation then she can try taking it. I also walk to different places too. If she has two legs, and two feet then she can try walking wherever she wants to go.

    Lastly I don't know why she is staying with him. I don't see any logical reason, for her to stay with him.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Masterful troll story. 7/10.  Like most of the troll stories though, too many holes that most parents will spot.

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  • 1 month ago

    I have experience with abusive relationships, my Dad violently abused my mom throughout their relationship, so listen VERY carefully here about what I am going to say and what I think you need to do next regarding your daughter.

    Right now your daughter is in extreme danger here! Abuse is a drug to abusers, it may start off as the occasional insult or controlling tactic, but soon its not enough and it leads to a slap/punch/a shove, and even then it becomes "not enough" and they up the ante. Your daughter is in danger of being seriously harmed or even killed here if she stays with her boyfriend! 

    Your daughter is suffering from what I liked to call "battered wife syndrome", its very much akin to "stockholm syndrome"! She has learned to identify with her abuser, learned to "play nice" with him, to deny any abuse etc! This is all done out of fear, fear of what will happen to her if she speaks up or tries to leave, fear of being on her own without him etc. She is basically living in a prison, sure there aren't bars or locked in a cage, but she isn't able to just decide to walk out and leave him either! Sadly she isn't going to leave him willingly, something drastic needs to happen for her to end up out of his life, and this can range from him being arrested, to her being seriously injured and sadly possibly even losing her own life over this. I can tell you that my Mom never willingly decided to leave my Dad during their relationship, hell even after he was arrested she was STILL begging for him to take her back, what it took was him filing for divorce (rare right thing that guy ever did) for her to wake up and stop pining for the guy. 

    This isn't a case of verbal abuse, there is physical danger here to your daughter! You cannot sit on the sidelines here, as a parent you need to act now in an attempt to save her life! The next time you see bruises on her, its a straight call to the cops and you report everything to them and hopefully they arrest him and through the courts he is issued a "domestic violence order" to stay away from her. Hopefully this buys enough time for her to come to her senses! I need you to be aware though, there is a good possibility though she still decides to take him back after the courts are done with him, its part of the abuser-abusee sickness that goes on! I'm not trying to be negative here, I just need you to understand what you are up against here.

    Source(s): I grew up in an abusive household.
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  • 1 month ago

    Lets consider the facts.  You did invade her privacy.  You do care about her.  She didn't choose to share this problem with you … but why?  If I were to guess I would think there is a lot of shame she feels about it, and only looks to you for approval.  You not only tossed approval out the window, you insulted her.  What could you have done instead?  You could have offered her help to raise her self esteem and confidence to know she doesn't need to stand for this sort of treatment.  That is what she really needs from you and it is never too late to offer it to her.

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