Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

Do you think I should try to contact my son's father?

I don't know if I should call him a father because he was never present in my son's life.  My son passed away from suicide six weeks after his 22nd birthday.  He would have been 35 yo.  For some odd reason I felt the need to look up my ex and tell him my son passed away but it's been a while since then and I no longer feel the need to.  I asked this question before and everyone thought I was looking him up for money so I have added details this time.  I wasn't interested in money.  I struggled for years but I didn't ever go after him for money because I thought it would be more trouble than it's worth.   I haven't seen him in all these years but I found him on Facebook about nineteen years ago so I sent a friend request and he blocked me.  I actually thought he cared all those years ago now I know I was fooled.  How do I let it be water under the bridge when I was used?  I was young and foolishly fell for his lies when he told me he loves me.

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  • Pearl
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    thats up to you if you want to contact him or not

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  • 1 month ago

    I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. It's always terrible when a child dies, I've experienced this. As his father had never been in his life at all it's not necessary to contact him to notify him of his passing although it would be acceptable to do so. I'd say go with your gut feelings on this matter. Either way would be correct although notifying him might just rekindle bitter feelings. If he had any fatherly feelings for your son he would have shown them prior to now.

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  • 1 month ago

    I'm sorry if your son did this. It's sad.

    As far as his father is concerned, if he was never in his life, then he was a moron. I was in the same situation with my son's father. His father dropped dead last year of heart failure.

    I don't know what to say about situations like this to be honest, even if my son and i were living the same sort of thing. But i do know i didn't sit around worrying about his father. And when my son was 16, we discussed his father's absence. I couldn't believe what he said, which was "i can't miss something i never had".

    I wish you all the best. I am sure all this is difficult for you

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    One thing that seems obvious is you're still angry with your ex and you probably partly blame him for the suicide, since he was never there for your son.  Now you want to "punish" him by making sure he knows the consequences of his selfishness.  This is all very normal, because there's nothing worse in life than losing a child, esp by suicide.  But that doesn't mean it's a good idea.  In fact, it's a very bad idea.

    The main reason is it won't get you what you want.  At any point in time until your son died, his father could have reached out to him.  It's not uncommon for a baby daddy to grow up and realize they want to be involved in their child's life.  This guy never wanted any part of him, which means his suicide is the same as if he reads about a total stranger doing it. 

    Even though it's been 13 years, did you ever join a grief support group?  If not, these are more common now and you really want to do this.  You don't have to talk until you want to, but just hearing how others make it through life's tragedies can be so inspiring.  It will also help you shift your focus to the future. 

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  • 1 month ago

    Sounds like you were both young and at some point in your relationship he did care for you so don't feel you were never loved. He was probably too young to cope with fatherhood and was totally cowardly and dumped you. You - through pride perhaps? - didn't chase him for the financial upkeep of his son and struggled alone.  This guy was never in your son's life so what your son never had he never missed. The fact this guy blocked you 19 years agi shows he was still a coward and frightened to get back in contact.  He's never been interested in his son - and I'm glad you don't feel the need to contact him anymore.  He doesn't deserve to be told what is your private business. You have had a terrible shock and an awful loss that I can only just imagine. You have suffered the very worst thing that can ever happen to a mother and you are grieving and I feel for you. You must NOT grieve alone.  I'm sure you are quite capable of doing so and you have done for a number of years but I think you MUST get some bereavement counselling to help you through this. I know there are some wonderful groups who can help you - others who actually DO know what you are going through (unlike me) and the pain you are still in. I understand loss and bereavement and that's bad enough - but not the loss of a child. You are only thinking about his non-father for someone to share the pain.....but as they were strangers this guy won't have any comprehension of your pain. Talk to someone who really DOES understand what you are going through. Speak to your doctor who can put you in touch with the right people.   I know from a family member that there are specific groups who deal with suicide.  After a couple visits you may feel it's not for you and you can stop.......but I think you ought to give it a go. Good luck and God bless.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    Yes, I think you should tell him.  He has a right to know.

    • chris n
      Lv 7
      1 month agoReport

      He has no RIGHTS at all.

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  • Eva
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    You haven't had contact with your son's father in all these years, now it's time to let it go. It happened many years ago when you were young and stupid. You're not that person anymore.

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    I'm so sorry for your loss. If you feel you must contact him try to find his address and send him a copy of the obituary and a simple note saying something like "He was your son & I feel you have the right to know." Just keep it short and simple. It is fairly easy to find someone's address online without having to pay for it esp. if they have a Facebook page. You can find it in just seconds as addresses are public knowledge. Just Google it along with the city & state. Some sites such as "Family Tree Now" keep a list of current and past addresses.

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  • 1 month ago

    why are you guilty when he's not even his father? he doesn't care and neither should you.Move on

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