Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFriends · 1 month ago

I am confused about my mom?

So my mom raised me right, in a lot of ways I feel. I mean, we always had food and such. But one thing I can't shake is how she acts with my older brother who is 28. She constantly nags him about a girl who she doesn't like (and I really dont like either for that matter), telling him to break it off constantly over and over again and I'm dragged into the argument constantly. She views me as the "good child" who never caused any trouble, which is somewhat true. I've really never did anything too drastic. Its led to me being pretty cooped up in the house because she's always fearful (I'm 18) that if I get out I'll get sick, or someone will murder me or kidnap me, etc. And whenever a girl comes into my life, I cant date them. Why? Because the first thing she does a week afterwards is complains they're bad people. Every one of them. So because I dont want to "follow in my big brothers footsteps", and disappoint my poor mother, I dont date. Whenever i get a friend, she hates them too. "They're trouble" she'll say. "They're on drugs". When none of them were on drugs, in fact one was going through school to become a police officer and was on the straight and narrow path and clean cut. So I don't have friends because again, I don't want to disappoint my mom. And whenever I step a little out of this line and get out a bit, I get a flood of texts with crying emojis and saying "I'm so worried why aren't you responding" etc. What is your advice? 

Update:

Also, she will pick girls for me to go on dates with sometimes, and they're always the most boring, stale sheltered people you could possibly meet. No offense to them, but they're more like 85 year old librarians then people with life in them

Update 2:

As soon as I step a little out of line and get out in the general public, pretty soon I get the line, "you're just like your brother." 

Update 3:

I just want to add my mother is a very sweet woman who will bend over backwards for people..but she's also very overbearing. Back when I was a kid, I wasn't allowed out in the backyard of my small rural town childhood home which was 100% safe because she was afraid. I couldn't go biking with my friends or any of that stuff. I was REALLY sheltered in those areas.

9 Answers

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  • Chanel
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    If you are going out tell your mother you will call her if you are going to be late.

    Your mum should let you lead your life and go out with any girl that you choose and if it goes pear shaped mum should be there to comfort you.

    You could say calmly "Mum, how am I ever going to be happy if I cannot enjoy my young years?"

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  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    I am sorry to hear that, i wasnt even aloud to talk on the phone with a girl, she would call the girls all kind of nasty names. theirs 5 kids in the family and she didnt want none of us to date. it was 2 sisters and 2 brothers and me. Just wait your time until you move out. you may have to sneak out when you move, she:ll be mad for awhile then get over it, like my mom did. we had to go to bed at 7:30 even in the summer, i was 12 at the time, so good luck

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  • Alan H
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Many mothers think no girl is ‘good enough ‘ for their sons: but you have to make your own decisions ultimately: as she did 

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  • Eva
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Your mother is having difficulty letting go and letting you grow up. She fears being left behind and "replaced" by a girlfriend. She needs to build a life of her own beyond taking care of her (now adult) children.

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  • hi
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    Unfortunately some (not all) women use men for their height, money, visa status etc...

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  • 1 month ago

    Your mother is being OVERLY protective and does not want to lose you so KEEPS you from having friends.  Stop trying to please her, she can be a nice as she wants but she is KEEPING YOU from having a life outside of her and that is WRONG.

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  • 1 month ago

    There's a lot of different parts to what you shared. 1. What is "getting out of line" in your mother's standards? Going out? 

    There is something very important that you need to speak about with your mom: Boundaries. Emotional and physical boundaries. You do not need to use this word, but it might be helpful. You are 18 now and though you still may live with her, you are becoming independent emotionally and socially (And your older sibling is way past that point). Your mom seems not to understand that you need physical space to go out and have a social life or that you need to set boundaries about what kind of things you're willing to negotiate about. What kind of girlfriend or friends you are willing to have is not up for negotiation, especially if you are hanging out with them out of the household. It would be a different story If you were letting squatters hang out in your basement and steal her stuff, but what you do socially is none of her business because you are now legally and mentally becoming an adult. You are no longer an extention of your mom, but rather another living adult that happens to reside in her residence. 

    If she says, "You're just like your brother" then reply, "Can you explain what you mean by that?" Most likely she KNOWS that gets under your skin and you fear her seeing you in that light, so she says that to get her point across "I don't like when you act like this so I will belittle you by comparing you to your brother". There is a good chance your mom doesn't purposely try to upset you, but she is trying to control you to keep you close. 

    I KNOW KNOW KNOW it is difficult to speak about these things with an adult, a parent. You don't need to sit her down and say, "We need to talk", but when she starts criticizing a friend or girlfriend you need to say, "This is my life, not yours and I hope you can accept that I am allowing new people into my life."

    Also, there's a good chance it is going to take your mom a long time to accept her baby bird is learning how to fly, it may be helpful if you remind her that she raised you to be able to make these adult, independent choices. 

    Source(s): Counseling student, general experience trust me
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  • 1 month ago

    If your mother is that afraid that you will be murdered, or kidnapped it sounds like she has anxiety disorder and needs to see her doctor. I can understand your not wanting to upset her but this is something she needs help for and at 18 you don't need her permission to chose your own dates or friends.When the texts flood in that ask why you aren't responding just tell her you are fine and you aren't going to be checking in every 5 minutes

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  • Amelia
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Try to put some distance between you and her. Go to college. Live on campus. Stop sharing too many details of your life with her. She'll still get upset, but just learn how to ignore it.

    • hi
      Lv 5
      1 month agoReport

      I see you know little about a man's relationship with her mother... How can you ask a guy to not share details of his life with her? it makes me sad when women force their husbands to forget about their own mothers.. you don't know the pain you're causing him.

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