Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 1 month ago

How can I help my wife of three decades heal for not having loving parents ?

Hi I am Robert 

My wife told me that she was abused as a child by her parents her mother would hit her slap her kick her and yell at her and her dad would call her ugly and said that nobody would want to be with her. My wife’s needs weren’t met and it was very lonely for her my wife had one 1 brother and 1 sister. Her mother also told her that she looked like a whore and enjoyed treating her like crap. They would lock her in the shed for 24 hours and if she was luck only 2 hours. When she was 22 she met me and moved in with me and my family and I helped her get out of an abusive family. We got married at age 27 and we are stable we have 7 kids and Gorgeous grandchildren. But my wife still breaks down and still cries about her parents not giving her any love during her childhood some how things will get better than bam she will remember and then get depressed again it wounded her very deep and she isn’t ready to move on or heal from it What can I do to help her heal? This isn’t a troll this is a serious matter


I forgot to mention that my wife was 6 years old when her brother started hitting her and my wife told me she started cutting herself at age 16 she still cries herself to sleep for having an emotional abusive household I have been loving and supportive 

Update 2:

Well I have been giving her what her parents never gave her unconditional love for the past 3 decades and I have been her rock throughout all of this whenever she cries i would hold her in her arms and let her cry I would tell her that everything is going to be ok I love my wife unconditionally 

Update 3:

Her mother is alive and is living alone in a trailer in Florida a lonely old miserable hag

2 Answers

  • 1 month ago
    Favourite answer

    Your wife isn't alone.....most of us carry over some sort of trauma from childhood, obviously to varying degrees.

    She didn't get what she needs from her parents, worse they made her feel "less than", somehow unworthy.

    While my parents weren't nearly as awful as what you describe, I also grew up in an abusive household.

    The key is to separate out her parents' issues that in fact have NOTHING at all to do with her.  My guess is her parents were also raised in abusive households.  If she has stopped that cycle, then she has a lot to be proud of.  Understanding her family of origin....why her parents were the way they were.....can help her tremendously in developing an empathy towards her parents, something which may initially seem impossible but forgiveness is in fact necessary to help her heal.

    Its okay to acknowledge past abuse, to understand the effect is has had on us and our lives.  Our suffering is caused when we replay the same negative loops over and over again.  She is the only one who can stop this.  There are many online tools/videos available to help her with this, including some which specifically address how to get past trauma.  

    She needs to learn to love herself, to give herself the unconditional love her parents never could.  I'm almost 60....spent most of my life replaying those damn negative loops until I made the decision that I refuse to live like this anymore.  It has been a difficult but amazing journey.  So very well worth it, tell her relief from her suffering is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, within her.  

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  • 1 month ago

    get her mental help

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