My 21 year old won’t stop smoking weed. He wants to move out but the wife won’t allow it. What to do ?
I don’t approve of his lifestyle choices. He’s my son and I love him but I’m disappointed and embarrassed by him. He’s smoking weed and he can not only ruin his life but he can ruin my our family and all of the hard things we’ve worked towards if the cops pull him over. He’s been smoking weed for a year now and despite our attempts of trying to tell him not to smoke and punishing him if he does he continues to smoke. Everyday when he gets off work he’s smoking. He says he has bad anxiety and it helps him. I didn’t know he had anxiety but that’s still no excuse for him to be smoking. It’s crazy because our daughter has anxiety too but she’s never smoked and she’s actually repulsed by smoking. She handles her anxiety in healthier ways. My son said “ who wouldn’t have anxiety with a controlling mom like her. Who tells a 21 year old they can’t move out. She wants me to stay here so she can have power over me.” My wife has good intentions she just cares about him. We all care about and love him. And we don’t want anything happening to him. But it’s only so much I can say and if he moves out I can’t stop him because he’s legal but my wife doesn’t want him moving out because she says it’s going to make things worse. She told me “ do you want our son to be dead somewhere because you’ve been too laid back about this.” I can only lecture him so much. I don’t know what else she wants me to do especially if he moves out
Our wife was also upset because our son told us he wanted to get a hotel to spend alone time with a female. Of course we don’t approve of premarital sex and she doesn’t approve of spending the night with females. He was like “ I’m trying to be respectful by not having sex in y’all house”
- linkus86Lv 71 month ago
Make living at home extra uncomfortable. Take away his privacy, increase his chores, cramp his style by requiring him to be home when he has plans to be elsewhere like banning spending the night out anywhere. If you succeed, your son will over-rule your wife and leave on his own volition. Win win.
- 1 month ago
I understand your concerns in not wanting him to move out, you may not approve of his life choices but now is when you need to start realising that if you (or your wife) keep holding him back from doing what he wants, then he’s going to rebel and things can get much worse. He is an adult and you need to let him learn from his own mistakes. If he moves out, you can check on him from time to time but don’t give him ANYTHING! Money, food etc that’s all his responsibility if he wants to move out. And if he can’t make it, he’ll just come back with his tail between his legs
- car253Lv 71 month ago
STOP FIGHTING !! You cannot win. If you let you son live at home then let him smoke his weed. But put in some rules. Like only after 10PM. This way he is not smoking during the day where he may drive or get into any problems. Tell him whatever he does with a female outside your home is his choice and he does not need approval from you or his mom. If he choices to speak with you about it then tell him NOT to talk to his mom about it. She does not understand. Hopefully you do. You need to respect your son for his choices and not judge. Then he may listen to any good advice you have.
- 1 month ago
It's your son choice. I grasped where you're coming from but that's his life. You can't stop a child from doing something that they're passionate about. It's best for him to have his own place so you and your son don't be at each other's throats
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- ron hLv 71 month ago
I assume that "our wife" in your update was a kind of typo. If not, you've got a lot of family problems. Your son is 21, when he moves out, his mother will miss him, but she'll get over it. You CAN forbid him to drive cars that are registered to you--you don't want your car towed if he's arrested. And you don't want liability problems if he has an accident. His anxiety? His mother may well be contributing to it.
He's been a man for several years, he gets to figure out his sexual relationships. You get to disagree.
Encourage him to move out.
- PearlLv 71 month ago
maybe you should tell him he needs to find another place
- Christin KLv 71 month ago
Give up. You have raised a child to an adult--that's the end of your job. You can't make ANYONE choose better or live more responsibly, and if your son doesn't want to, that's not YOUR problem. It's his. He can't learn from his mistakes if you bail him out. He can't make better choices until he suffers the consequences of his bad ones. And until that happens, you can't MAKE him.
All you can EVER do with your children, no matter who they turn out to be, is love them and try to understand--but you can't change them once they grow up--and it's not your job to try. Not any more.
I know it's hard. But you have to let go. Let him make his own mistakes. Let him see what happens when he does. That's the only way he will ever learn. And let your wife know that you will absolutely NEVER bail him out or try to 'fix' what he does wrong. He has to do those things himself. Let your son know too. It might be enough for him to know there will be no support if he screws up. It doesn't matter if you approve of his life or not--you have to let him LIVE it and go from there.
- JaneLv 71 month ago
As others have said, he is an adult. You have done your job bringing him up when he was a child and could not fend for himself, at 21 he is past time to have a place of his own and more independence. You cannot prevent him moving out, short of chaining him up in the basement.So, time to switch modes from parenting a child to being a mentor and supporter of a young adult. Hopefully he is working and has an income, to pay rent and bills, and if so, you have hopefully been charging him rent or a share of the bills so that he can learn life skills for when he gets a place of his own. If he seems naive about such things, you can help him to navigate matters such as renting contracts, insurance, workplace pensions,setting up bill payments, budgeting for food,cooking, travel etc.It's a big step for a young person who has not experienced independence yet, we have all done it at some point and made mistakes.
I hope that his mother will eventually be able to face the fact that he is an adult- this can be tough actually, I remember really feeling the 'empty nest' when my daughter left home at 17, and worrying about her so much- but she survived, has a good life, and we love having a close relationship.
Best wishes to you all, you are all coming up to a challenge to your cohesion as a family, maybe some rocky rides at times, but take the long view.
- PatriciaLv 71 month ago
If your son gets pulled over and he's found possessing weed, how is this going to ruin your family and all the things you've worked toward? It's HIS weed, not yours, he's an adult and an arrest for that has nothing to do with you, your home, your family or anything you've worked for.
You don't really make a lot of sense.
However, if you don't want your son smoking in your home then tell him it's not happening.
- Anonymous1 month ago
He's 21 years old, and your wife sounds controlling and overprotective. Maybe there's a correlation between that and both your children's anxiety? Children who have been overly coddled tend to not do as well as adults as children who have been raised to be more independent.
Now, man up as a dad, and help your son move into a place of his own (he has a job, so I'm assuming he can at least afford to rent a room somewhere) and out of his mother's clutches.