Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 3 months ago

Do abusers ever change? My husband says he has and I should take him back?

We have a daughter together. She is young and I would like her to grow up with her dad. I didn’t have one . He was verbally and physically abusive to me. He yoked me up many times. And put his hands around my neck before which left me very scared so I left. We have been separated for 2 years and he says he’s changed. Do abusers ever change or should I go ahead and just get divorced already.

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  • 3 months ago
    Favourite answer

    I believe it is possible. Many things are possible. It's not magic though. It's hard work and deep realizations.  Is he in therapy? I'd require that before ever sharing a roof again, EVER. Please don't share a home with him until he is WILLING to got into therapy first and he DOES go into therapy first. There need be no hurry here. No hurry. If he pressures you? He's not changed. 

  • 3 months ago

    Divorced him and let him be around your daughter. That's all. No getting back together and moved on from this sick f*ck!😡

  • 3 months ago

    They never change. They just pretend nice when they need you, otherwise they will be abuser always.

  • L
    Lv 5
    3 months ago

    An abuser NEVER changes.  File for a Divorce and MOVE ON.

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    Minus some extensive therapy and anger management classes abusers don't tend to change, no. 

  • 3 months ago

    They do not change. With professional help they can help it but at heart you cant change who a person is

  • Jane
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    I just want to settle the matter of divorce first. Marriage is a legal contract which involves you and your husband in certain rights and responsibilities towards each other and your child- I would advise that you get information about this so that you fully understand whether it would be better for you and your daughter, to divorce your husband.

    And of course this decision will be about whether your husband is likely to become a healthy man rather than an abuser, and a man that you will ever want to be with.If you get divorced, you may still want to think about whether you think it will be healthy for her to have contact with him. His behaviour towards you strongly suggests that he may not be a suitable father to take care of her unsupervised.

    How could he demonstrate that he is safe and trustworthy? How would you know that he has changed? You have a lot of thinking to do, both for yourself and your daughter, and it's tough. It seems that mothers have to take on responsibility.  Don't be alone with this difficult challenge, make sure you get all the help you can, and reach out to other mothers who have had similar problems in your area and online.

    https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/separat...

  • Eva
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    They can change, but it's only temporary. Any time they get stressed they will return to old behavior patterns.  Your daughter is better off not seeing you treated like that.  He should only have supervised visits. They tend to be very good at manipulation. Don't fall for it. Keep you and your daughter safe.

  • 3 months ago

    Here's a pretty simple way to figure this out. 

    Is your ex withholding (or threatening to withhold) his relationship with your daughter if you don't have a relationship with him? Is he acting like it's a package deal? Is he insinuating that he can't/won't have a relationship with his child if you're not involved?

    If the answer is yes, guess what? He's still an abuser. He's using your desire for your child to have a relationship with him as leverage. That's manipulation. That's being abusive and it hurts everyone involved.

    And, even if the answer to those questions is no, guess what? You're not obligated to have a relationship with someone for the sake of your kid. She can have a relationship with her dad WITHOUT YOU. Your involvement isn't necessary. Kids can and do have perfectly healthy, happy relationships with their parents, even when their parents don't live in the same house. You don't have to put yourself at risk, do something that makes you feel uncomfortable, or have a relationship with someone who hurt you. Being a good co-parent doesn't mean going back to your ex. It means figuring out how to give your kid what they need, regardless of your relationship with your ex.

  • 3 months ago

    People do change - we can't avoid it. However, you need to ask him detailed questions about the changes and get answers that can be verified. Has he had any therapy? Coaching? Your daughter's safety is your priority; is it his? He really needs to demonstrate that he can be trusted, and you need to find a way to be convinced, don't you? For example, was he drinking and has he stopped - and can he prove it? 

    Do you genuinely love him? If not, you will all find it difficult to stay together. Have a talk to his parents, perhaps, and if you do separate your daughter will need regular contact, and she will need to be safe! Good Luck!

  • Murzy
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    They possibly can change but it is short lived.

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