Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Arts & HumanitiesPoetry · 3 months ago

is my poem any good?

i wrote this as a requirement for my creative writing class (sophomore in hs) but sort of liked it. just looking for constructive criticism and maybe advice towards improving because i might want to start writing poetry just for my own enjoyment 

about a specific rural house i always went to when i was little so references in the beginning won’t make sense. just need comments on vocab and composition etc 

the stupendous rabbit stares me in the eyes

he wears his label with pride

the messy calligraphy in the center of his overalls

lodi

chips and flaws mark glossy paint

exposing his terracotta mold

his once immaculately polished skin

soon to be stripped by harsh winters to come 

but i don’t know this 

we head home

feast our eyes on gory spectacles

shining through the haze of her tv 

drift off hours after sundown 

our fingers brushing the mangled fur of her cat

then come morning

we devour home cooked pancakes

drizzled in sickly sweet syrup

and begin our next journey

into daylight

running from fictitious monsters

our joyful naivety 

soon to be stripped by the trials and tribulations of adolescence

but i don’t know this 

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  • 2 months ago
    Favourite answer

    The fact that you enjoyed writing it is a good sign. I encourage you to keep following your joy. That said, on with the constructive criticism.

    There is an overuse of descriptive words. It becomes more redundant then imaginative. There also doesn't seem to be a clearly defined purpose.

    You may know the reason you wrote it and the meaning behind it, but your poem should be able to convey that to your audience. I have no clue what you are talking about and why.

    You sacrificed a lot of impact to use those big descriptive words. You missed opportunities to rhyme. The structure seemed to be you just going from one short description to the next, without adding to an overall picture. Meaning it's hard to see how each line connects.

    So my advice to you if poetry gives you joy is to work on ways to serve the audiences understanding of what you are expressing, rather than just speaking from your own secluded perspective. Make it relatable. And work on rhyme schemes so that there is more flow to your piece. Make the structure of your poem more progressive, so that each line adds to the last, enhancing the overall meaning and potency of the poem. Also prioritize what you use descriptive words on. Highlight what is important to the meaning, and let what is not assist the flow and structure. Finally, study the art of poetry in depth, and apply what you learn. There are many ways to make your work more creative. Wordplay, metaphors, and various other ways to keep your poem from getting stale or repetitive. 

    Aside from all that, don't let anyone discourage you from doing what you love, and keep love as your inspiration for all you do, for nothing can be mastered without it. Not yourself, and not your gifts.

  • 2 months ago

    It sounds like the memories of a more innocent time during childhood. Even the terra cotta rabbit ends up having to weather Father time. It makes sense. Every time you say "I don't know this", it must mean that it has not happened yet, that you are not yet aware of what awaits you. 

    I think it paints a picture, just like a poem is supposed to do. 

  • 2 months ago

    I can't read but I do my best.

    Nice poem for me :)

    Source(s): ~The Garbonzo Head Honcho, Gary~
  • 2 months ago

    Some actors write and even produce or direct plays.good boy.

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  • 3 months ago

    Seems to me that you may have put too many things into the poem.  The change at "we head home" is abrupt and represents a change of subject - a different poem. You have lead the reader down a path they can't really finish because of your cryptic references.  It leaves me wondering what this poem is really about and if you have stopped without reaching whatever goal you had in mind. The story just isn't very complete.

  • OTTO
    Lv 6
    3 months ago

    Sounds poetic! Keep at it.

  • 3 months ago

    Its a mixture of things that on their own make a kind of sense but, tying then all together in YOUR POEM don't make sense. Maybe you're trying to sound to clever and for me its not working.

     Next to the pond

    That day was a sad day for both of us,

    my wife was fighting back her tears.

    We buried Rusty our dog 3 feet deep

    at the bottom of our garden by the pond.

    I remember like it was only yesterday

     picking out the bluebell bulbs

    and putting them in a pot.

    I wrapped him in his favourite blanket

    and gently lowered him to rest.

    It was October, cold nights were here

    but he wouldn't feel them.

    Nothing could bring him back,

    nothing would ever replace him

    we both knew this,

    I filled the hole and replanted the bulbs.

    The following year looking out of the window

    we could see the bluebells

    they were all over the garden but

    the ones that we were drawn to

    were the cluster at the bottom of our garden

    next to the pond.

    Our memories in that instant became one,

    almost telepathic.

    DCM 2017.

  • 3 months ago

    Too cryptic. Your stanza schemes are reckless. Your grammar is not very good. 3/10

  • Thomas
    Lv 7
    3 months ago

    I wrote it

    Once you put your real name to this I'll post the poem

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