is my poem any good?
i wrote this as a requirement for my creative writing class (sophomore in hs) but sort of liked it. just looking for constructive criticism and maybe advice towards improving because i might want to start writing poetry just for my own enjoyment
about a specific rural house i always went to when i was little so references in the beginning won’t make sense. just need comments on vocab and composition etc
the stupendous rabbit stares me in the eyes
he wears his label with pride
the messy calligraphy in the center of his overalls
chips and flaws mark glossy paint
exposing his terracotta mold
his once immaculately polished skin
soon to be stripped by harsh winters to come
but i don’t know this
we head home
feast our eyes on gory spectacles
shining through the haze of her tv
drift off hours after sundown
our fingers brushing the mangled fur of her cat
then come morning
we devour home cooked pancakes
drizzled in sickly sweet syrup
and begin our next journey
running from fictitious monsters
our joyful naivety
soon to be stripped by the trials and tribulations of adolescence
but i don’t know this
- 2 months agoFavourite answer
The fact that you enjoyed writing it is a good sign. I encourage you to keep following your joy. That said, on with the constructive criticism.
There is an overuse of descriptive words. It becomes more redundant then imaginative. There also doesn't seem to be a clearly defined purpose.
You may know the reason you wrote it and the meaning behind it, but your poem should be able to convey that to your audience. I have no clue what you are talking about and why.
You sacrificed a lot of impact to use those big descriptive words. You missed opportunities to rhyme. The structure seemed to be you just going from one short description to the next, without adding to an overall picture. Meaning it's hard to see how each line connects.
So my advice to you if poetry gives you joy is to work on ways to serve the audiences understanding of what you are expressing, rather than just speaking from your own secluded perspective. Make it relatable. And work on rhyme schemes so that there is more flow to your piece. Make the structure of your poem more progressive, so that each line adds to the last, enhancing the overall meaning and potency of the poem. Also prioritize what you use descriptive words on. Highlight what is important to the meaning, and let what is not assist the flow and structure. Finally, study the art of poetry in depth, and apply what you learn. There are many ways to make your work more creative. Wordplay, metaphors, and various other ways to keep your poem from getting stale or repetitive.
Aside from all that, don't let anyone discourage you from doing what you love, and keep love as your inspiration for all you do, for nothing can be mastered without it. Not yourself, and not your gifts.
- sparrowLv 72 months ago
It sounds like the memories of a more innocent time during childhood. Even the terra cotta rabbit ends up having to weather Father time. It makes sense. Every time you say "I don't know this", it must mean that it has not happened yet, that you are not yet aware of what awaits you.
I think it paints a picture, just like a poem is supposed to do.
- 2 months ago
I can't read but I do my best.
Nice poem for me :)Source(s): ~The Garbonzo Head Honcho, Gary~
- 2 months ago
Some actors write and even produce or direct plays.good boy.
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- Noah ThallLv 63 months ago
Seems to me that you may have put too many things into the poem. The change at "we head home" is abrupt and represents a change of subject - a different poem. You have lead the reader down a path they can't really finish because of your cryptic references. It leaves me wondering what this poem is really about and if you have stopped without reaching whatever goal you had in mind. The story just isn't very complete.
- OTTOLv 63 months ago
Sounds poetic! Keep at it.
- Stanley.Lv 73 months ago
Its a mixture of things that on their own make a kind of sense but, tying then all together in YOUR POEM don't make sense. Maybe you're trying to sound to clever and for me its not working.
Next to the pond
That day was a sad day for both of us,
my wife was fighting back her tears.
We buried Rusty our dog 3 feet deep
at the bottom of our garden by the pond.
I remember like it was only yesterday
picking out the bluebell bulbs
and putting them in a pot.
I wrapped him in his favourite blanket
and gently lowered him to rest.
It was October, cold nights were here
but he wouldn't feel them.
Nothing could bring him back,
nothing would ever replace him
we both knew this,
I filled the hole and replanted the bulbs.
The following year looking out of the window
we could see the bluebells
they were all over the garden but
the ones that we were drawn to
were the cluster at the bottom of our garden
next to the pond.
Our memories in that instant became one,
- Josh AlfredLv 53 months ago
Too cryptic. Your stanza schemes are reckless. Your grammar is not very good. 3/10
- ThomasLv 73 months ago
I wrote it
Once you put your real name to this I'll post the poem