Sex with my Ex?

My husband and I of 13 years recently became divorced. It was not a mutual split, I am the one that walked away after year's Of fighting for a marriage that was wholly one-sided and toxic (to put it nicely). He is trying to make changes to win me back, but I'm not buying into it this time. My life revolves around our kids, work, and keeping bills paid and food on the table. It gets depressing and lonely at times but I stay busy. I feel like everyday I'm away from my ex, I become stronger in a sense; it's a great feeling after being weighed down for so long. Here's the problem I'm having, I miss our sex life a great deal! We had a horrible marriage but a fantastic sex life (not towards the end) - but he and I both miss it. I have caved in a few times, and it's never something I regret in the moment, I only regret it when he and I fall back into old patterns which is super easy to do, then we have to “break up” all over again. I have tried putting boundaries in place to avoid this but he wants “us” back and runs over the top of them regularly. I started noticing this cycle and decided to cut us off for good, so we could start actually healing but he doesn't want anyone else, and honestly I can't picture putting the time and effort into learning someone and them learning me when my ex and I have reached the level we have. I can't imagine anyone making me feel the way he does when we are intimate, and now I don't know what to do. Advice welcome. 

45 Answers

  • 6 days ago

    I agree with your assessment that the relationship is toxic - of that I have no doubts. But you imply that it is one sided and your husband carries all the blame...lost all credibility with how you continue to behave. I'm certain you and your ex are equally guilty of the toxicity of your marriage. Own up to it & move on. You can't heal if you don't recognize and accept that you are part of the problems.

  • Anonymous
    6 days ago

    You are using sex as a crutch to "keep" him in your life, emotionallyand physically speaking.

    NONSENSE... you can and you will find satisfying sex with another man... right now you just don't want to, so the Ex is the next best thing to scratch that itch.

    Old Habits die hard. Stop CONVINCING yourself he is the ONLY guy to please you sexually. Be honestly.. as Iong as you screw him, he may remain faithful to you. You have not let him go and are keeping him close with sexual contact. That is SELFISH and MEAN to do to a guy whom you KNOW wants you back. VERY CRUEL and emotionally abusive!

    STOP IT! And, you have the audacity to claim HE is the TOXIC one? REALLY?

  • Anonymous
    7 days ago

    I feeling you should not sleep with him because you will just keep on opening that same cycle over and over again and I see that you gone through so much just to go back again and face that situaction. I feel like if you are still wanting to have sex then you should just start dating and see as it goes.

  • Anonymous
    1 week ago

    The way it always works is you have sex with him and he wants more and more and then suddenly you end up right back at the point your marriage ended, maybe worse!! If you make the wrong choices, it can and most likely will be used against you! You and your kids will end up hurt even more! Just walk away and be free of him or take him back and continue your doomed relationship!  Nothing brings tragedy quite like the destruction that ruined your marriage to begin with by resurrecting your sex life! You wouldn't be doing your kids any favors either! You either walk away totally or go back totally! I am one who believes that it was bad enough to walk away and divorce him, the sex would only antagonize him, and your kids! Let sleeping dogs lie! He either screwed around on you or he was never home! He may have been abusive physically? I don't know and don't care! You divorced him for obvious reasons! When you divorced him you divorced your sex with with him as well! Grow up!

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  • 1 week ago

    Try to accept what creates the difference is lack of respect for your opinion. His overriding your positions in vying for control can end but won’t until the attitudes change occur. Agree to disagree. Agree he does not control you and you do not control him. Both of you are your own boss. 

    Now about sex. Don’t with hold it. Do not bargain around it. Satisfy yourself as often as you are motivated. If it pleases you allow him the enjoyment of your relationship. 

    Do not keep score. 

    Be reasonable, rationale and talk things through. Don’t be rigid. Try this for three days. Allow one day for discussion, one day for evaluation and one day for resolution. If you can’t resolve your difference. Agree to disagree and not become emotional. 

    Do not make threats or demands. Simply accept you are two different people with different visions. Be happy with yours. Good luck. Next time 

  • 1 week ago

    It't normal to go through a hard time after years marrage. It's your change rather  than his inertia stirring up your sentiment. You  choosed him at the beginning. 

  • garry
    Lv 5
    1 week ago

    if it makes you happy then keep doing it , more like your feeling insecure and need him to well easy the stress , nothing wrong with that , a bit unaurthodox but hey what the hell . admit one thing it must have bought back the old spark that existed might sound weird to others but it worked ..

  • Anonymous
    1 week ago

    Why are you rewarding a jerk with your sweet nookie?  I am sure there are a lot of deserving horny guys out there who would love to be inside you.

  • 1 week ago

    Just be boyfriend and girlfriend, and enjoy what unlike about each other. If he starts any of the old sh!t, walk out, and he will learn better than when walking out was not not an option bc unwere married.

    I'm in a similar situation with my wife, and it's a compromise solution.

  • Kelly
    Lv 7
    1 week ago

    Sorry but in your situation sex with your ex or a FWB situation with them will not work.  If you miss sex and overall companionship there's plenty of that out there.  You can't move forward staying stuck in the past.

    My ex and I actually divorced amicably and remained friends.  After we separated we still had sex on occasion but we were both very much in agreement that it was just sex, nothing else.  There was no going back to being a couple.  Eventually that faded on it's own and we both moved on from that with other people.  If nothing else the sex was something of convenience for us both.  I owned this duplex (2 side by side apartments) and I lived on one side and he lived on the other.  We'd have sex and then he went home..  kids never knew he was there.

    You and your ex going back and forth isn't a healthy life for your kids.  If they are  young it's confusing to them.

    I've been remarried for many years and the sex with my current husband is way better than it ever was with my ex.  I have a better relationship with him overall and he and I have no secrets, he knows about my sex life with my ex after we separated.

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