Anonymous
Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFamily · 1 month ago

Is it fair that I'm annoyed by my parents' parenting style when it never actually protected me?

I feel like my parents have/had an overbearing parenting style, which usually comes with benefits like being protected. Unfortunately, that never happened lol .

I'm 21. I'm living at home right now, because corona. I live in Kentucky but I go to college in Boston.

Please don't give me advice like "move out" I'm in a white collar family and rely on their support to get through college. My college is expensive and I could never pay for it on my own.

I can't leave the house, and corona aside, it wouldn't be that much different. Meanwhile, my dad goes out regularly to have sex with strangers. I don't have any friends at home anymore but if I take a walk for more than 10 minutes they repeatedly call me, yell at me, and tell me they're going to come pick me up even if I repeatedly tell them I'm busy or talking to someone on the phone. Eventually I had an outburst bc they kept calling me when I had an important call and then they called me "evil." 

I used a lot of drugs which freaked them out but honestly part of that was I didn't know what to do with the freedom I had when I had none previously. My mom regularly says I'm going to make her have a panic attack. I barely even do anything or go anywhere.

In the past, I've been yelled at for taking my phone out of its case (and told I need to be institutionalized for that), yelled at for opening my own bank account (bc they thought i did not trust them),etc. 

Update:

 if I talk about my feelings for more than a minute I am called "toxic" and accused of hurting my mother's mental health. She pretends she is ill when I annoy her. When she's bored she will try to cause conflict in my relationship with my boyfriend and say he's "hiding me" or whatever. She also told our whole extended family I was faking needing medical treatment for attention when I actually needed it 

They're extremely affectionate most of the time, though. 

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  • 1 month ago
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    Yeah, sure, if you feel annoyed, then be annoyed. Your parents certainly sound annoying. Your dad having sex with strangers is probably a much bigger blow to your mom's mental health than anything you've ever done. Wow. 

    It's difficult to set boundaries with pushy parents, at the best of times, but you're also stuck between corona and college debt. That sucks. Just because they are your parents, you don't have to take every word they say super seriously, and you don't have to talk to them about your thoughts, feelings, etc. 

    You are stuck with them, for now, but you are a grown adult, even if they refuse to treat you like one. Sounds like they don't even know how to BE one themselves. 

    Yelling at you for opening a bank account? Screw them. They should be helping you take steps toward independence. 

    They are showing some classic signs of being abusers - isolating you from others (lying to the family about your medical treatment, causing conflict with your bf), controlling your finances, but then being charming and "extremely affectionate" (in your words). Abusers often try to "balance" abuse with excessive affection and/or gifts, either out of guilt or in an attempt to "buy" you off. "I'm paying for college, so you can't complain about my horrible behavior." My parents used to do the "we bought you a car so shut up" thing a lot. And also the "poor us, we have a wild daughter, she breaks our hearts" while treating me like absolute garbage. Everyone felt "sorry" for them and no one would believe me when I talked about the things they did to me - the yelling and screaming, the lies, the false accusations, even physical abuse. 

    Try to keep out of their way and ignore/avoid their tantrums. Put away money in a place they can't touch, if you can. Keep your bf (and any friends you have) informed of how your parents treat you, so they know what's going on and can't be turned against you. Hang in there and try to finish college as soon as you can, so you can get on with your life and get away from them. Good luck. 

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