Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsFriends · 1 month ago

Am I selfish/bad friend?

My friend and I are in our 40s. She's been out of work since the pandemic began and I just got a new job a month ago.

When I wasn't working, we hung out and talked all the time and we were pretty close.

But now that I'm working full time and only have 4 hours to myself in the evenings to get ready for work the next day -and I sometimes have virtual meetings in the evenings - I don't really have time to chat with her. 

She LOVES talking on the phone for hours and mostly about her own things going on with her marriage ect. and I don't really get to say much during our convos. 

We're trying to make plans to hang out and she keeps wanting to call me on the phone to talk instead of text, but I have SO many things I need to do with my free time including chores around my apartment, food shopping and my boyfriend and I live together, so he and I do a lot of home projects/repairs ect when I'm home on the weekends.

I know she wants to spend more time with me than I do with her, I think because she's not working and has a lot of time to hang out. Also, she only wants to drink and talk for hours when we're hanging out. It's not like I'm goin to invite her over to help me with laundry or cooking and outdoor dining is limited with Covid restrictions right now.

I would much rather catch up on my responsibilities and hobbies during my measly 2 days off from work 

Am I being a bad friend for wanting to do my own thing with my free time?

12 Answers

  • 1 month ago
    Favourite answer

    Absolutely not. You have a job, you have a home, you have a boyfriend and it appears you have a full time life. That's a good thing, but stuff like this does come up from time to time.  If she's a very good friend you can talk to her and explain that you have so many things to do at night that you can't just sit and talk like you used to. You can, however, invite her to go out to dinner with you one night every other week or something on a regular basis that will eventually become enough for her. You want your friendship to be nourished as well as everything else in your life, so make time for her when you can. She should be fine with that.

  • 1 month ago

    I do not think your a bad friend at all! You have a very productive and busy lifestyle that at the moment, differs from hers.

  • Raja
    Lv 7
    1 month ago

    Due to pressure of work you have no time to spend with her .It does not mean that you are a bad friend .Your friend is not the understanding type and she may be sort of jealous of you because you are employed where as she is not .Avoid taking her seriously and carry on regardless .All the best .

  • Max
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Maybe your friend needs you too, though clearly you have more responsibilities these days. Friendships take time and are long-term investments (give and take). Obviously this time is limited, and just talking and drinking might not be the most productive use of your or her time.  Are you allowed to exercise where you are with COVID-19?  Maybe you could go for a walk together while you talk, or at least explain that you only have a certain amount of free time.  Line it up with when your bf is spending time with his friends or otherwise busy?  At the end of the day, the choice is yours, but to answer your question, if you value this friendship, then perhaps you need to make some time for your friend, even if involves changing what you do when you spend time together.  If your friend needs to talk, maybe she would be happy to talk while you do chores or help you even.  Another question to ask yourself is, if you needed her, would she make time for you?  Good luck.

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  • 1 month ago

    No you are not selfish or a bad friend.  You both are traveling down a different path at the moment.  If she cannot understand that, then she does not care that much for the time that you can share.  Time changes a lot of things and sometimes people change to. You gotta roll with the changes or get run over.

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

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  • Carmen
    Lv 5
    1 month ago

    No you’re not a bad friend you’re busier now as mentioned as a true friend she should understand things have changed so accept it and go with the flow and be patient and supportive and treat others as she wants to be treated if reversed. Try to keep a calm heart and your peace of mind. 

  • Anonymous
    1 month ago

    yeah... You should at least spend 1 evening with her, good luck xx

  • 1 month ago

    Nothing wrong with you living your own life and arranging your own priorities. "I've a job now and the best time for me to give my bf attention is during the same hours you want to talk on the phone. Can't be in two places at once! I have to cut my phone conversations down to 20 minutes and only a couple of times a week per person. If I get too many calls in a day, some calls I'll have to forgo. Got too much else going on! New job has changed things around for me. Loved the time we spent together. If my time line fits into your own parameters, we'll be able to keep it going. But only for 20 minutes a couple of times a week. I'm getting busier. It is what it is."

     I have several quite close friends that I speak to for 20 minutes about once a week. Still close friends. Just not each other's therapists. My sister and I only call each other if one/both of us are out shopping. Fits the bill! Your friend will need to find other things to fill her time. You did. She can too. 

  • Mike A
    Lv 6
    1 month ago

    Something that I have learned, is that whenever there is a sudden shift in routine, there are people and things that are going to try and resist the changes. It would probably be a good idea to plan on catching up with your friend on a day off, but just explain that your routine is very up in the air, but it should settle down soon. It will take her a bit to get used to a new way of correspondence. Likely, she doesn't even realize that she's depending on you to pass the time. 

    Rest assured, that your friend will find someone else to talk to. It doesn't really sound like you were getting much out of it, because if you were, you'd miss it more. You're not being a jerk, as long as you have actually explained to her, in a way an adult would understand, why you're not as available anymore. If she doesn't understand it, or disagrees with how you are going about it, it's on her. 

    And that's the best advice I can give

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