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Anonymous asked in Family & RelationshipsMarriage & Divorce · 2 months ago

Abusive relationship advice?

I've been in a relationship for 3 years coming up.It started out me being more abusive than anything.I was an alcoholic and treated him poorly although we were hanging out everyday. He was very nice to me and stuck around because he"saw"something in me.After about 6 months I became clean and committed. Now over time it has become physically and emotionally abusive.I've been punched, choked, had a gun pulled on me.Most of the physical abuse started after I had our child. Now I have a kid in the mix and step kids that I am attached to. We are not married but live together. If we were to break up I would have no where to go because I have completely cut off my family because of issues between us and my relationship with him.I have no money or phone without him. He keeps saying he will change and says I need to work on things too. I feel he flips out over little things like having a disorganized drawer that he doesn't like or not keeping under the couches cleaned enough. When he gets upset with me I usually come back and say things that"flip"the blame back on him. Which usually means I am upset that he reacts so hard to seemingly silly things to get upset about.Me blaming things on him is what usually makes him violent.I feel like he wants me to just listen to him yell at me and follow his orders so he doesn't get violent. I am growing very scared of him sometimes.I don't know what to do because of my kids involved.I don't want him to get violent with them if I'm gone either

8 Answers

  • 2 months ago
    Favourite answer

    Hon, I would have been gone at the first punch, the first time he tried to choke me or the very first time he threatened me with a gun. Married over 30 years and never has he laid a hand on me in anger, nor I him, and that IS the way its supposed to be. 

    You have kids here. What are those actions showing them? His poor attitude towards you will show the kids just how to treat you too - with disrespect and loathing. Can you take the chance that will happen? 

    Yes I know you were at fault at the start of the relationship. But your guilt shouldn't have you staying through this sort of crappolla, just as he should never have accepted it from you. 

    He has turned into the abuser now. Look at what has happened.. He has cut you off from family (who were warning you about him). He has made you fully dependent on his "generosity". You own nothing but must bow to his every whim and accept his anger as justified even when its not? Classic abuser - isolate, make dependent and then show your true colours. Sorry, but this relationship IS TOXIC, for you, for him and for those kids. Either seek help/counseling to make it better than this or seek legal help to get OUT of this. That's my advice. 

  • 2 months ago

    You are right to be scared, there is the threat of increasing violence and that's what abusers, such as HIM, do.  PLEASE, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 1 800 799 7233, 24/7. Its free, and you can find the support and clarification you need to resolve this.  You do NOT want him being the role model for your children ! You do not want to become injured or even killed.  Contact your family and ask for their help. If you would do what I recommend, I'd say leave immediately, take the children, go back to your family, and call the police if he comes after you. See a lawyer about both a restraining order and a divorce. Goodluck and good wishes, do not risk your life, your childrens' lives or happiness.   

  • 2 months ago

    Get you and your child out of that atmosphere, you should find information about leaving an abusive relationship in your police department, doctors surgery, town hall, community centres 

  • T J
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You need the help from the group for abused and battered w2pman. look it up, they will help you

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  • Foofa
    Lv 7
    2 months ago

    You're clearly going to have to get a job and try to save up some money. It's especially important to get away from this violence because there are children involved. 

  • 2 months ago

    So he's abusing you, the kids are seeing that too, i'm sure. Why are you putting yourself through this?

    Get a job. Save money and get out.  But if your family discovers you're breaking ties with this guy, they might change their tune about you.  Nothing wrong with giving them a call and letting them know you're going to leave him..

    If you don't leave him, you're not too bright

  • Anonymous
    2 months ago

    If I were to just leave I would not be guaranteed full custody of my child. I don't know what they say in your state but in mine. Even if I've been abused, if there is no evidence of the child being harmed then they can get up to 50/50 custody regardless of my opinion. Also leaving puts me at risk of violence being taken out on me he threatens to find me and hurt me if I put his custody at risk with his children it has to be an all or nothing circumstance here. I am doing what's best for my kids right now. And what about the others I have no control of? I'm keeping everything calm right now while taking the blows I need some better advice than that

  • 2 months ago

    The very simple answer is that children should NOT be raised in atmosphere you describe.  In fact, in MY State you are abusive and neglectful.  Get out and take your child even if you need to live in a shelter.

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